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How to show your friends you love them, according to a friendship expert

Kavitha George

Sylvie Douglis

When psychologist and friendship expert Marisa Franco went through a rough breakup in 2015, she felt like she had no more love in her life. So Franco leaned on her friends for support. They did yoga, cooked and read together. As she and her friends grew closer, she realized they were a deep well of love, community and healing. And she began to understand the importance of non-romantic, non-family relationships.

Now, Franco wants to help others experience that profound level of friendship too. Her new book, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends , which came out this month, offers insights on how to improve the quality of our platonic relationships using the latest research on human connection. She talks to Life Kit about how to deepen those bonds and find happiness and fulfillment in the process.

Marisa Franco, Ph.D. is a psychologist, friendship expert the author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends. Left: Darren Agboh/Right: G.P. Putnam's Sons hide caption

"It takes an entire community for us to feel whole," writes Franco in her book. Psychologists have long theorized that humans need meaningful social connections to survive. In fact, it's linked to our mental and physical wellbeing. Knowing that we have people to lean on and care for us makes us feel confident and assured.

And the stronger our relationships are, the more likely we are to thrive, she adds. So how do we intensify the existing friendships in our lives? Franco offers four tips, based on her research.

1. Shower them with (platonic) affection

We often think of affection as the sort of love we show in romantic relationships. But affection is more than holding hands and kissing. It's about communicating love and appreciation.

There are many ways you can show platonic love to your friends, says Franco. Tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them when you think of them in passing. Remind them you are grateful to know them. These simple acts provide a layer of security in the relationship. It shows your friends that you genuinely care for them and lets them know it's safe to invest in your friendship.

It might feel strange to show affection to a friend, she says, because unlike romantic relationships, platonic relationships often lack a script for explicit declarations of love. But research has shown that these displays of affection are much appreciated.

A 2018 study published in the journal Psychological Science asked people to write letters of gratitude to someone in their life and rate how they would be received. The participants consistently overestimated how awkward the recipient would feel and underestimated how happy it made them.

Want to be happier? Evidence-based tricks to get you there

However, cautions Franco, it's important to understand people's different levels of comfort when it comes to affection. Maybe one of your friends, for example, hates hugs but loves compliments. So talk to your friends and figure out their friendship love language, she says. Ask them: "How would you like me to show you that I really value you?"

2. Lavish them with your skills and talents

Being generous with your friends — sharing your time, attention or resources with them — is an easy way to nurture your friendships, says Franco. It's an expression of love that shows you want to invest more in the relationship.

"People want to be and stay friends with people who value them, and generosity is a way to express that," Franco says. And there's science that shows it pays off — a 2019 study in the journal Frontiers in Psychology found that junior and high school students who exhibited traits like generosity and empathy were more likely to build deep, long-lasting friendships than students who didn't identify with those characteristics.

Franco suggests a personal approach. "Think about what your skills and talents are and find a way to turn that into a generous act," she says. For example, when she found out that her friends wanted to learn more about how to set up investment accounts, she used her research and analysis skills as a psychologist to put together a presentation on the topic for them.

4 tips to stay connected when your friends live far away

You can share acts of generosity like this with your friends, too. If you're great with kids, you might offer to babysit for your friends who are parents. If you're a gym rat, you could help your friend train for a race they have coming up. Or if you got a raise at work, treat your friends to a fancy dinner to celebrate.

3. Spill your struggles, joys ... and guilty pleasures

Think about how good it feels to tell a friend you secretly like a trashy TV show and hear them respond "me too!" We feel a deeper connection to our friends when our vulnerability is met with validation and support, says Franco. It means they accept us for who we really are, the good and the bad.

It can be scary to be open with our feelings. It can come with the risk of shame or rejection. But research has shown that people are a lot less likely to reject you for being vulnerable than you think.

A study published by the American Sociological Association asked strangers to disclose varying levels of intimate information with a group of women. The researchers found that the more open the strangers were, the more the women liked them. "When someone's vulnerable with you, it indicates they trust you," says Franco.

So don't be afraid to share your struggles with your friends, whether it's an ex you're having trouble getting over or a new job you're having second thoughts about. They're not going to judge you — and it may bring you closer.

If you're looking for a way to let your guard down without divulging your darkest secrets, Franco suggests sharing something positive, like a personal achievement — maybe you just finished sewing your first quilt, or you broke your own time record on a run.

4. Don't sweep your disagreements under the rug

It's hard to deal with conflict in friendships, says Franco. People often see them as something that's supposed to be fun and lighthearted, or less formal than romantic or family relationships, so they downplay problems when they arise, she adds.

But being able to deal with conflict with friends in a healthy, constructive way can strengthen your friendships, she says. It might be painful at first, but it shows you want to be authentic with them — and that you want to make your relationship better.

Friendships Change. Here's How To Deal

In fact, research has shown that conflict is "actually linked to deeper intimacy," says Franco. A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships asked 273 participants to share a time when they felt hurt or angry when someone mishandled their private information. Those who were able to work out the problem with the people involved said that it improved their relationships.

So if you have an issue with a friend, don't sweep it under the rug. Try talking about it. Here are some tips:

• Start by telling your friend how much you value them , says Franco. It signals that the reason you're bringing up the issue is because you're invested in the friendship. 
• Use "I" statements when explaining your concerns so your friend doesn't feel like you're blaming them. For example, if you've noticed they've been canceling plans at the last minute since they started a new job, you might say: "I feel hurt when you bail on our plans without giving me any notice."
• Ask your friend for a different behavior you want to see in the future. For example, "It would be great if you gave me a heads up a few hours in advance if you know you're not going to be able to make it." 

While conflict might be uncomfortable at first, Franco says it's something to embrace. "It allows us to illuminate each other on how to be better for each other, forever enhancing a friendship."

Your Turn: How do you show affection to your friends?

Tell us how you communicate love and appreciation to your friends. Email your response to [email protected] with the subject line "Affection" by Sept. 20, 2022 and include your name and location. We may feature it in a story on NPR.

The audio portion of this episode was produced by Sylvie Douglis. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 , or email us at [email protected] .

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The Best Books About the Science of Friendship, Written by Psychology Experts

(Photo credit: Adobe Stock)

Friendship plays a vital role in our mental health and overall satisfaction with life. It’s not just about having someone to share experiences with; studies have shown that strong social connections can improve our mental and physical well-being, reduce stress, and even increase our lifespan. To delve deeper into this fascinating subject, here are six insightful books that explore the science behind friendship from various perspectives.

“Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives” by Nicholas A. Christakis and James H. Fowler

This book examines how our social networks extend far beyond our immediate circle of friends and influence our lives in profound ways. Christakis and Fowler use intriguing examples and thorough research to illustrate how behaviors, ideas, and emotions spread through our personal networks. They delve into the dynamics of social networks, revealing their surprising patterns and effects on our health, wealth, and happiness. The book is a compelling journey into understanding how and why we are connected.

“Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make–and Keep–Friends” by Marisa G. Franco Dr. Marisa G. Franco

explores the science of friendship through the lens of attachment theory in “Platonic.” She explains how understanding our attachment styles can help us form and maintain friendships throughout our lives. Franco combines personal anecdotes with scientific research, making the book both relatable and informative. It’s an essential guide for anyone looking to deepen their understanding of friendships and improve their social connections.

“Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships” by Robin Dunbar

Robin Dunbar, renowned for the ‘Dunbar’s Number’ concept, offers an insightful exploration into the nature and significance of friendships. He delves into how and why we choose our friends, the role they play in our lives, and the limits of our social world. The book blends psychology, anthropology, and evolutionary biology to explain the intricacies of friendship. It’s a thought-provoking read that provides a deeper understanding of one of our most fundamental human needs.

“Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships” by Daniel Goleman

Daniel Goleman, known for his work on emotional intelligence, turns his focus to the realm of social interactions in “Social Intelligence.” He argues that our relationships critically shape our emotional health and presents compelling evidence on how social intelligence impacts our lives. Goleman combines neuroscience and psychology to explain how we are wired to connect and how we can improve our social skills. This book is an eye-opener on the importance of nurturing our social intelligence for better relationships.

“Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond” by Lydia Denworth

In “Friendship,” Lydia Denworth explores the biological, evolutionary, and social aspects of friendship. She examines how friendship has evolved in humans and other species and its critical role in our survival and well-being. Denworth’s approach combines storytelling with scientific research, making the book both engaging and educational. It’s a fascinating read that underscores the importance of friendships in our lives.

“Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World” by Vivek H. Murthy

Former Surgeon General of the United States, Vivek H Murthy, tackles the vital topic of loneliness and its antidote – human connection. He blends personal stories with scientific research to highlight the importance of emotional connections in our lives. Murthy discusses practical strategies for building and maintaining strong relationships, emphasizing their significance for our health and happiness. This book is a timely reminder of the power and necessity of human connections in our increasingly isolated world.

Each of these books offers a unique perspective on the science of friendship, providing valuable insights into how we form connections, the impact of these relationships on our lives, and how we can nurture them for a happier, healthier life.

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15 Best Books About Friendship

Author: Sandra Calzadilla, LMHC

Sandra Calzadilla LMHC

Sandra, with 18 years of expertise, empowers individuals and couples on their healing journey. Specializing in trauma therapy, she integrates evidence-based techniques for holistic well-being.

Naveed Saleh MD, MS

Dr. Saleh is an experienced physician and a leading voice in medical journalism. His contributions to evidence-based mental health sites have helped raise awareness and reduce stigma associated with mental health disorders.

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Humans are social creatures. Whether you prefer one or two close friends or work well with a close-knit group, we need friends to laugh with us, cry with us, and experience all that life has to offer. If you’re shy or feeling disengaged, however, it can be hard to make lasting relationships.

15 Books About Friendships

Here are 15 books about friendships that can help you find loving platonic relationships in your life or help you continue to foster the ones you already have:

1. Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close

The challenge for adult friendships isn’t always making them, it’s keeping them. Moving away, dealing with different life circumstances, and massive life changes can all play a part in friends eventually drifting apart. Podcast hosts Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman have both been through the wringer, but here they share how they showed up for each other through it all.

2. Friendship in the Age of Loneliness: An Optimist’s Guide to Connection

If the last few years have left you feeling isolated and lonely , you’re not alone. Everyone learned just how important friendships are during the pandemic, but that doesn’t always make it easier to find and maintain new friendships. This practical, compassionate guide encourages readers to focus on their friendships as a balm to life’s problems with actionable prompts, ideas, and rituals to create a fulfilling social life.

3. We Need to Hang Out: A Memoir of Making Friends

Billy Baker faced the same problem millions of Americans, especially men, have dealt with. In the mix of family life and career-seeking, he had laid aside many of his close friendships and compromised his mental health in doing so. After learning just how hard loneliness impacts the average American for a story he was writing, he set out to radically change the way he thought and acted about friendship. The result is a heartwarming and hilarious memoir of over-40 frat parties, organized treasure hunts, and more. Baker provides a trailblazing groundwork that is as freeing as it is fulfilling.

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4. The Science of Making Friends: Helping Socially Challenged Teens and Young Adults

This book was written specifically for parents of “ socially awkward ” teens: Those who may have ADHD , autism , or struggle with societal expectations. It outlines, clear, concrete plans of action to help parents teach their children how to navigate friendships, social situations, and more.

5. I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”

The drive for perfection—in work, life, and friendships—is a powerful one. But perfectionism is exactly what’s keeping us from connecting with each other, Brene Brown writes. Vulnerability is what makes us human. It’s how we better understand ourselves and those around us.

That doesn’t make it any less terrifying. Being vulnerable is always a scary task, but a necessary one for creating meaningful, valuable friendships in your life and avoiding fake friends .

6. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

If you couldn’t get enough of Brene Brown (or maybe you need a little bit more help on the whole “being vulnerable” thing), then Daring Greatly is a compassionate call to open your heart and be honest about the things that scare you. Being vulnerable is not a weakness, despite societal expectations. Having the courage to open up more is at the root of all meaningful relationships, including friendships.

7. Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health & Happiness

We are connected more than ever on social media , but that doesn’t mean we are more engaged. In the digital age, we have to learn how to foster meaningful relationships and resist the urge to pull away from friendships that are unsatisfying.

Close friendships correlate to better mental health and happier lives, meaning it’s well worth the effort of cultivating them, author Shasta Nelson argues. This compassionate guide tackles the common issues that face modern friendships and how to overcome them.

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8. What to Say Next: Successful Communication in Work, Life, and Love—with Autism Spectrum Disorder

This autism-specific guide was written to help those with autism better understand the social cues neurotypicals take for granted, while still celebrating neurodiversity . While focused broadly on a variety of life situations, including work and relationships, this book still provides helpful advice on communicating with others and opening up to the circumstances that invite friendship.

9. Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult: Advice to Help You Expand Your Social Circle, Nurture Meaningful Relationships, and Build a Healthier, Happier Social Life

If you struggle to get past small talk, can’t get out of your own head, or have trouble connecting with others, then this book is for you. Licensed therapist Hope Kelaher offers real advice and practical solutions for adult friendships, including friend-date ideas and tips for moving beyond small talk.

10. How to be a Best Friend Forever: Making and Keeping Lifetime Relationships 

Making friendships as an adult is difficult, especially as we move on from our school life and childhood buddies, and experience loneliness as a young adult . But meaningful, caring friendships are possible. They are also extremely important.

Dr. John Townsend offers advice, tips, and stories from his own friendships to encourage readers to put in the time to maintain a true friendship.

11. That Sounds Fun: The Joys of Being an Amateur, the Power of Falling in Love, and Why You Need a Hobby

Though this book focuses on having hobbies and opening yourself to new and exciting opportunities, it is often exactly those situations that create space for friendships to naturally grow.

Seeking fun, Annie F. Downs says, is one way to positively enrich our lives and give us something to do beyond just slogging through a busy workweek. And who knows, you may make a friend at that painting class or dance club.

12. Find Your People: Building Deep Community in a Lonely World

Due to the internet, social media, and “grind” culture, the world today is both highly connected and deeply isolating. However, research says that friendship and relationships are the most important indicators of happiness. That means forming authentic, meaningful connections has a direct impact on your well-being. In Find Your People , you will learn how to break down emotional walls, understand how conflict can strengthen your relationships, and identify the types of relationships you need more of. Best-selling author Jennie Allen uses insights from history, science, and even religion to help readers master the art of meaningful friendship.

13. Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make–and Keep–Friends

Platonic by Marisa G. Franco, PhD focuses on the science of attachment, unpacking the issues that arise when society values romantic love and the expense of platonic love. Franco says that creating meaningful connections requires concerted effort; however, to make and keep friends you also need to understand your attachment style : secure, anxious, or avoidant. From start to finish, Platonic lays out a research-based road map for readers to build strong, lasting friendships. Become your happiest self with Franco’s Platonic .

14. Girl Talk: What Science Can Tell Us About Female Friendship

Science reporter Jacqueline Mroz wrote Girl Talk about the special, distinctive nature of female friendship and how it has shaped our culture at large. Mroz takes a scientific angle to explore and analyze the mysterious world of women. She digs into things like the evolution of friendship, alliances, friend “break ups,” and the chemical reactions going on in our brains when we make friends. Mroz also describes how, without friendship, women actually tend to develop more medical issues and challenges, similar to the health risks related with smoking.

15. You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult

Part memoir, part self-help, You Will Find Your People by author Lane Moore is an honest portrait of the messy, joyful truth of meaningful adult friendships. Moore combines personal anecdotes with advice and information on attachment styles. She also offers readers an array of specific tools to create boundaries and communicate more openly and honestly. Ultimately, this book is a guide to heal from broken friendships, improve the quality of your current friendships, and fearlessly pursue and ask for what you want from your friends.

When to See a Therapist

If you struggle with feeling lonely, isolated, or can’t seem to connect with others, you may also want to see a therapist.  Therapists can help you build the skills to make friends, deepen friendships, and draw more satisfaction from friendships. They might also help you determine if your current friendships aren’t healthy or cross the line into toxic friendships . Finding a therapist to talk to has gotten a lot easier with all the good online therapy options available today. You can also look for someone close by in a directory of local therapists.

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For Further Reading

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• Things to Do When You Think “I Have No Friends”

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We regularly update the articles on ChoosingTherapy.com to ensure we continue to reflect scientific consensus on the topics we cover, to incorporate new research into our articles, and to better answer our audience’s questions. When our content undergoes a significant revision, we summarize the changes that were made and the date on which they occurred. We also record the authors and medical reviewers who contributed to previous versions of the article. Read more about  our editorial policies here .

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The Psychology of Friendship

Associate Professor of Personality & Social Psychology

Associate Professor of Social and Health Psychology

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This edited volume provides a comprehensive overview of theory and research on friendship, which represents one of our most fundamental and unique forms of close relationships. The book comprises sixteen chapters that focus on both the beneficial and detrimental aspects of this important bond. The topics covered include the ways in which friendship varies across the life span, how friendship interacts with gender, and friendship in different contexts, such as in the workplace and through social media, and with different partners, such as mentors, romantic partners, and pets. How friendships are successfully maintained and friendship’s role in mental, physical, and social functioning is also considered. The contributors come from a variety of scientific disciplines and countries. The book may be used in undergraduate or graduate courses in various fields, including psychology, sociology, counseling, social work, communication, family studies, marriage and family therapy, and nursing.

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The Psychology of Friendship 1st Edition

• ISBN-10 0190222026
• ISBN-13 978-0190222024
• Edition 1st
• Publisher Oxford University Press
• Publication date November 21, 2016
• Language English
• Dimensions 6.1 x 1.2 x 9.3 inches
• Print length 344 pages
• See all details

Editorial Reviews

Book description, about the author, product details.

• Publisher ‏ : ‎ Oxford University Press; 1st edition (November 21, 2016)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 344 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0190222026
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0190222024
• Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
• Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6.1 x 1.2 x 9.3 inches
• #517 in Clinical Psychology (Books)
• #1,634 in Friendship (Books)
• #3,094 in Medical Social Psychology & Interactions

About the author

Mahzad hojjat.

Mahzad Hojjat Ph.D. (Yale University, 1998) is a Social Psychologist who has taught, researched, and written about close relationships for the last 25 years.

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• Front Psychol

Adult friendship and wellbeing: A systematic review with practical implications

Christos pezirkianidis.

1 Lab of Positive Psychology, Department of Psychology, Panteion University of Social and Political Sciences, Athens, Greece

Evangelia Galanaki

2 Lab of Psychology, Department of Primary Education, National and Kapodistrian University of Athens, Athens, Greece

Georgia Raftopoulou

Despina moraitou.

3 Lab of Psychology, Section of Cognitive and Experimental Psychology, Department of Psychology, Aristotle University of Thessaloniki, Thessaloniki, Greece

4 Lab of Neurodegenerative Diseases, Center for Interdisciplinary Research and Innovation (CIRI - AUTH), Balkan Center, Thessaloniki, Greece

Anastassios Stalikas

Associated data.

The raw data supporting the conclusions of this article will be made available by the authors, without undue reservation.

This study aimed to systematically review research findings regarding the relationship between adult friendship and wellbeing. A multidimensional scope for wellbeing and its components with the use of the PERMA theory was adopted. A total of 38 research articles published between 2000 and 2019 were reviewed. In general, adult friendship was found to predict or at least be positively correlated with wellbeing and its components. In particular, the results showed that friendship quality and socializing with friends predict wellbeing levels. In addition, number of friends, their reactions to their friend's attempts of capitalizing positive events, support of friend's autonomy, and efforts to maintain friendship are positively correlated with wellbeing. Efforts to maintain the friendship, friendship quality, personal sense of uniqueness, perceived mattering, satisfaction of basic psychological needs, and subjective vitality mediated this relationship. However, research findings highlighted several gaps and limitations of the existing literature on the relationship between adult friendship and wellbeing components. For example, for particular wellbeing components, findings were non-existent, sparse, contradictory, fragmentary, or for specific populations only. Implications of this review for planning and implementing positive friendship interventions in several contexts, such as school, work, counseling, and society, are discussed.

1. Introduction

1.1. adult friendship.

Adult friendship is conceptualized as a voluntary, reciprocal, informal, restriction-free, and usually long-lasting close relationship between two unique partners (Wrzus et al., 2017 ; Fehr and Harasymchuk, 2018 ).

Mendelson and Aboud ( 1999 ) defined six functional components of adult friendship that determine its quality. The first friendship function is stimulating companionship , which refers to joint participation in recreational and exciting activities (Fehr and Harasymchuk, 2018 ). Friends, unlike acquaintances, interact in a more relaxed and carefree way, use more informal language, make jokes, and tease each other (Fehr, 2000 ).

Existing research literature has mainly focused on the second function of friendship, namely help or social support (Wallace et al., 2019 ). Three forms of social support have been identified: (a) emotional support , which is conceptualized as acceptance, sympathy, affection, care, love, encouragement, and trust (Li et al., 2014 ); (b) instrumental support , which is defined as provision of financial assistance, material goods, services, or other kinds of help (Nguyen et al., 2016 ); and (c) informational support , which refers to provision of advice, guidance, and useful information (Wood et al., 2015 ).

The third function of adult friendship is emotional security , which refers mainly to the sense of safety offered by friends in new, unprecedented and threatening situations (Fehr and Harasymchuk, 2018 ). Research has shown that friends can significantly reduce their partners' stress caused by negative life events (Donnellan et al., 2017 ).

The fourth function of adult friendship is reliable alliance , which is defined as the constant availability and mutual expression of loyalty (Wrzus et al., 2017 ). At the core of reliable alliance lie the concepts of trust and loyalty (Miething et al., 2017 ).

Self-validation is the fifth function of adult friendship. It concerns the individuals' sense that their friends provide them with encouragement and confirmation, thus helping them to maintain a positive self-image (Fehr and Harasymchuk, 2018 ).

Finally, the sixth function of adult friendship is intimacy , which refers to self-disclosure procedures (e.g., the free and honest expression of personal thoughts and feelings; Fehr and Harasymchuk, 2018 ). It is necessary for both friends to reciprocally reveal “sensitive” information and react positively to the information that their partner discloses to them; in this way, feelings of trust can be developed and consolidated (Hall, 2011 ).

Adults differ significantly not only with regard to friendship quality, but also to the number of friends one has and the hierarchy of friendships (Demir, 2015 ). Most individuals maintain small networks of long-term and close friends (Wrzus et al., 2017 ). Empirical research shows that individuals report an average of three close friends (Christakis and Chalatsis, 2010 ). Also, individuals make fine distinctions between best, first closest friend, second closest friend, other close friendships, and casual friendships (Demir and Özdemir, 2010 ). These differentiations reflect the ratings of these friendships regarding several quality indicators (Demir et al., 2011b ). The present systematic review of the literature will cover multiple aspects of friendship as predictors of wellbeing, namely friendship quality indicators, number of friends, and friendship ratings.

1.2. The concept of wellbeing

Wellbeing is a central issue in the field of positive psychology (Heintzelman, 2018 ). It is a multifaceted construct (Forgeard et al., 2011 ) and there are several theoretical approaches of its components (Martela and Sheldon, 2019 ). We define wellbeing as a broad construct that involves the presence of indicators of positive psychological functioning, such as life satisfaction and meaning in life, and the absence of indicators of negative psychological functioning, e.g., negative emotions or psychological symptoms (Houben et al., 2015 ). This conceptualization captures both hedonic elements of wellbeing (Diener, 1984 ), that involve pleasure, enjoyment, satisfaction, comfort, and painlessness (Huta, 2016 ) and eudaimonic elements (Ryff, 1989 ), that include concepts like meaning, personal growth, excellence, and authenticity (Huta and Waterman, 2014 ). Our definition on wellbeing also involves the components of subjective wellbeing (Diener et al., 1999 ), psychological and social wellbeing (Ryff, 1989 ) and general wellbeing (Disabato et al., 2019 ). Finally, this definition encompasses the two different approaches on wellbeing, which are based on the mental illness model (Keyes, 2005 ) and on positive psychology principles (Seligman, 2011 ).

Several attempts have been made to synthesize the aforementioned models. In this systematic review of the literature, we used Seligman's ( 2011 ) PERMA theory to organize our findings. Seligman ( 2011 ) argued that individuals can flourish and thrive if they manage to establish the following five pillars of their lives: positive emotions (P), engaging in daily activities (E), positive relationships (R), a sense of meaning in life (M), and accomplishments (A).

According to the Broaden-and-Build theory (Fredrickson, 2001 ), when individuals experience positive emotions , their repertoire of thoughts and actions broaden (Fredrickson and Branigan, 2005 ). The broadening effect activates an upward spiral, resulting in the experience of new and deeper positive emotions (Fredrickson and Joiner, 2002 ). This, in turn, leads to building of resources, which last over time and act as a protective shield against adversity (Tugade and Fredrickson, 2004 ). Finally, experiencing positive emotions seems to undo the unpleasant effects of experiencing negative emotions (Fredrickson et al., 2000 ). All the above mechanisms facilitate the physical and psychological wellbeing of individuals (Kok et al., 2013 ).

Engagement describes a positive state of mind in which individuals are fully present psychologically and channel their interest, energy, and time into physical, cognitive, and emotional processes to achieve or create something (Butler and Kern, 2016 ). Engagement is substantially linked to the experience of flow , which is conceptualized as the psychological focus on an activity, accompanied by an experience of high intrinsic motivation and sense of control, and resulting in optimal functioning (Csikszentmihalyi, 2009 ). High levels of engagement are associated with various indices of wellbeing, such as increased levels of experiencing positive emotions and life satisfaction (Fritz and Avsec, 2007 ) and decreased levels of anxiety and depression over time (Innstrand et al., 2012 ).

Positive close relationships with family, friends and other significant people are also beneficial. They are found to be associated with emotional and instrumental support, intimacy, trust, increased sense of belonging and other protective indices of physical and psychological wellbeing (Carmichael et al., 2015 ; Mertika et al., 2020 ; Mitskidou et al., 2021 ).

Meaning in life reflects the individual's sense that life has coherence, purpose, and significance so that it is worth-living (Martela and Steger, 2016 ). Research findings show that the presence of meaning in life enhances wellbeing, because it entails high levels of positive emotions and life satisfaction as well as low levels of negative psychological and physical conditions (Pezirkianidis et al., 2016a , b , 2018 ; Galanakis et al., 2017 ).

Accomplishments in all domains of life are recognized and rewarded by society; this reinforces the individuals' desire to succeed (Nohria et al., 2008 ). However, accomplishments are not restricted to great achievements in life but also include the fulfillment of daily personal ambitions and the achievement of everyday goals. These minor accomplishments have been found to contribute to the wellbeing of individuals (Butler and Kern, 2016 ).

1.3. Associations between adult relationships and wellbeing components

Positive, supportive relationships predict higher physical and psychological wellbeing levels more than any other variable (Vaillant, 2012 ). In particular, integrating people into support networks provides them with the necessary resources to successfully deal with depression, anxiety, loneliness, alcohol overdose and many other physical and mental health difficulties (Christakis and Fowler, 2009 , 2013 ). In addition, the chances of individuals' happiness increase when they are associated with a happy person. Therefore, happiness seems to be transmitted through positive relationships (Fowler and Christakis, 2008 ).

Moreover, research findings show that perceived support from positive relationships is associated with experiencing more positive emotions (Kok et al., 2013 ), sense of calm and security (Kane et al., 2012 ), and presence of meaning in life (Hicks and King, 2009 ).

In particular, adult friendship is a valuable personal relationship (Demir, 2015 ), which contributes in various ways to individuals' wellbeing (Demir et al., 2007 ), and significantly fulfills the fundamental human need for social interaction and belonging (Lyubomirsky, 2008 ). The quality of adult friendship is related to wellbeing and the experiencing of positive emotions (Demir et al., 2007 ; Secor et al., 2017 ; Pezirkianidis, 2020 ). In addition, existing literature shows that a close adult friendship is related to personal achievement and engagement to projects, which promote meaning in life (Green et al., 2001 ; Koestner et al., 2012 ).

1.4. Gaps in the literature on the relationship between adult friendship and wellbeing

Even though the relationship between friendship and wellbeing has been extensively studied in children (e.g., Holder and Coleman, 2015 ), adolescents (e.g., Raboteg-Saric and Sakic, 2014 ), and the elderly (e.g., Park and Roh, 2013 ), it is not yet fully understood how the various elements of adult friendship are related to wellbeing. The main reason for this is that adulthood consists of many different life periods, from young to late adulthood, during which there are fluctuations in the network of friends and changes in friendship quality (Bowker, 2004 ).

In fact, most of the empirical research on the relationship between adult friendship and wellbeing focuses on the effect of adult friendship on one-dimensional indices of wellbeing, such as happiness or life satisfaction (Demir et al., 2007 ). It is worth-noting that research is mainly conducted with university student samples, which limits generalizability to older age groups (Demir, 2015 ).

1.5. The present study

This study aims to systematically review the research literature on the relationship between adult friendship and wellbeing as well as its components, in order to shed more light on the nature of this relationship and the mechanisms that underlie it. More specifically, we will review empirical studies which examined the relationship of quantitative and qualitative indices of adult friendship with wellbeing within the framework of PERMA theory (Seligman, 2011 ). Therefore, the relationship between adult friendship and overall wellbeing as well as each of its PERMA components will be studied.

Five research questions have been formulated: (a) Which adult friendship variables are mostly associated with wellbeing? (b) Which adult friendship variables predict wellbeing levels based on longitudinal studies? (c) Are there mediating and/or moderating variables in the association between adult friendship and wellbeing? (d) Are there individual differences on the associations between adult friendship and wellbeing? (e) Does adult friendship associate with specific components of wellbeing on the basis of PERMA theory?

2.1. Criteria of suitability/inclusion of bibliographic sources

We searched for sources reporting empirical research with quantitative and qualitative design using samples ranging in age from 18 to 65 years. Articles were published in scientific journals between 2000 and 2019, since we decided to exclude studies conducted during the COVID-19 pandemic, when the relationships with significant others were negatively affected. We included articles written in English and accompanied by a digital identifier (DOI). Book chapters, reviews and gray literature were excluded.

2.2. Search strategy, source selection and data extraction

We searched for resources in the following search engines: Google Scholar, PsycNET, and Scopus. The following algorithm was used to search for the literature sources: “friends” OR “friend” OR “friendship” OR “friendships” AND “wellbeing” OR “wellbeing” OR “psychological wellbeing” OR “psychological wellbeing” OR “happiness” OR “flourish” OR “flourishing” OR “psychological flourish” OR “psychological flourishing” OR “subjective wellbeing” OR “subjective wellbeing” OR “positive emotions” OR “positive emotion” OR “positive affect” OR “engagement” OR “flow” OR “psychological flow” OR “positive relationship” OR “positive relationships” OR “social support” OR “meaning” OR “meaning of life” OR “meaning in life” OR “life meaning” OR “life purpose” OR “purpose of life” OR “purpose in life” OR “achievement” OR “achievements” OR “accomplishment” OR “accomplishments” OR “performance” OR “success” AND “adult” OR “adults”.

The studies were initially selected by two independent evaluators on the basis of their abstract, title and keywords (phase 1). The evaluators were both psychologists and one of them is a researcher, experienced on systematic reviews. The total number of abstracts tested was 1,388. Any paper considered relevant at least by one of the two evaluators was eligible for full-text inspection. The agreement between the evaluators at the first phase was 78%. Thus, 203 articles were included for full-text evaluation (phase 2).

During the second phase of the evaluation process, we first checked the sources for duplication and fulfilling the inclusion criteria. The exclusion criteria were the same for both phases. As a result, we removed 33 duplicate documents, 10 articles that their full-text could not be found due to copyright, 22 articles that did not have a DOI, and one article not written in English. In addition, 13 studies were rejected because the sample's age was not within the set limits. Next, the two evaluators independently inspected the full-text of the remaining articles ( n = 131). As a result, 93 articles were excluded because their content was not relevant to the aims of the study. The agreement between the evaluators at this phase was 96%; if the decision was not unanimous after further discussion, it was excluded by the study. Thus, in total, 38 studies were eligible for the review (see Figure 1 ).

Flow diagram of search strategy and source selection.

From the selected 38 studies, two followed a qualitative design, nine were longitudinal, two had a mixed cross-sectional and experimental design and the rest of them were based on a cross-sectional design. Most of them ( n =28) used a sample of young adults, mainly university students (see Table 1 ).

Findings of the systematic literature review regarding the associations between adult friendship and wellbeing.

CS, cross-sectional; EXP, experimental; L, longitudinal; Q, qualitative. T1, first measurement; T2, second measurement. SI, single item. OR, odds ratio. Friendship variables (measures): FAS, friendship autonomy support; FM, friendship maintenance; FQ, friendship quality (MFQ-FF, McGill Friendship Questionnaire-Friendship Functions); FS, friendship satisfaction; NF, number of friends; PM, perceived mattering (MTOQ, Mattering To Others Questionnaire); PNS, psychological needs satisfaction; PRCA, perceived responses to capitalization attempts; SNS, social network size; SC-Fr, social contact with friends; SS-Fr, social support from friends (PSSS-Fr, Perceived Social Support Scale from Friends). Wellbeing indices (measures): A, accomplishments; E, engagement; H, happiness (SHS, Subjective Happiness Scale); M, meaning in life; LS, life satisfaction (SWLS, Satisfaction With Life Scale); PE, positive emotions (PANAS, Positive and Negative Affect Schedule); PWB, psychological wellbeing; R, positive relationships; SWB, subjective wellbeing; WB, wellbeing.

The selected studies were divided into six subgroups on the basis of the PERMA theory of wellbeing and with regard to the associations of friendship with (a) wellbeing, (b) experiencing positive emotions; (c) engagement; (d) building positive relationships; (e) meaning in life; and (f) accomplishments. Also, another analysis was conducted focusing on individual differences regarding the association of friendship variables with wellbeing components.

3.1. Associations between adult friendship and wellbeing

Twenty-six studies were found to investigate the association between adult friendship and wellbeing variables. The adult friendship variables studied were friendship quality, best or close friendships, number of friends, support from friends, maintenance of friendship, social interaction with friends and support of autonomy from friends. The wellbeing variables studied were subjective wellbeing, psychological wellbeing, happiness, and life satisfaction. The measures used to measure wellbeing variables were Subjective Happiness Scale ( n = 9 studies, Lyubomirsky and Lepper, 1999 ), Satisfaction With Life Scale ( n = 11, Diener et al., 1985 ), Positive and Negative Affect Schedule ( n = 9, Watson et al., 1988 ), other psychological wellbeing measures ( n = 5), and single items ( n = 3; see Table 1 ).

The results showed that friendship quality significantly associates with wellbeing (Demir and Weitekamp, 2007 ; Demir et al., 2007 , 2011a , b , 2012b , 2013a , b , 2017 ; Demir and Özdemir, 2010 ; Akin and Akin, 2015 ; Carmichael et al., 2015 ; Miething et al., 2016 ). In addition, it was found that friendship quality predicts wellbeing levels in the long run. More specifically, friendship quality at the age of 30 predicts wellbeing at the age of 50 (Carmichael et al., 2015 ). The friendship function, which has been found to mostly correlate with wellbeing levels is stimulating companionship (Demir et al., 2007 ).

Moreover, perceived emotional or instrumental support offered by friends has been found to significantly associate with wellbeing (Walen and Lachman, 2000 ; Griffin et al., 2006 ; Almquist et al., 2014 ; Morelli et al., 2015 ; Secor et al., 2017 ). An interesting finding is that peer support predicts both the provider's and the recipient's wellbeing levels (Morelli et al., 2015 ).

Regarding socializing with friends, that is, the amount of time individuals spend together, it was found that it also associates with wellbeing levels (Helliwell and Huang, 2013 ; Huxhold et al., 2013 ; Li and Kanazawa, 2016 ), while predicts wellbeing from 6 months to 12 years later (Derdikman-Eiron et al., 2013 ; Huxhold et al., 2013 ; Miething et al., 2016 ; Rubin et al., 2016 ). Moreover, friends' support of their partners' autonomy (Demir et al., 2011a ; Koestner et al., 2012 ; Ratelle et al., 2013 ), their reactions to partner's attempts of capitalizing positive experiences (Demir et al., 2013a , 2017 ), and efforts to maintain the friendship (Demir et al., 2011a ) were also found to be positively correlated with wellbeing levels.

Another friendship variable, which was found to be positively associated with wellbeing, is the number of friends (Cable et al., 2012 ; Helliwell and Huang, 2013 ). In particular, large and well-integrated friendship networks emerged as a source of wellbeing for adults (Cable et al., 2012 ). However, no significant associations were found between wellbeing and other friendship variables, such as same gender vs different gender as well as best or close friendships (Demir et al., 2007 , 2017 ).

Finally, six friendship variables were found to mediate the association between adult friendship and wellbeing. These variables are: maintenance of friendship (Demir et al., 2011a , 2019 ; Sanchez et al., 2018 ), perceived mattering (i.e., the psychological tendency to evaluate the self as significant to specific other people, according to Marshall, 2001 ; see also Demir et al., 2011b , 2012b ), personal sense of uniqueness (i.e., the tendency to recognize oneself as having distinctive features and to experience worthiness; Demir et al., 2013b ), friendship quality (Demir et al., 2012b , 2013a , 2017 ), satisfaction of basic psychological needs (Demir and Özdemir, 2010 ; Demir et al., 2017 ), and subjective vitality (i.e., the conscious experience of possessing energy and aliveness, according to Ryan and Frederick, 1997 ; see also Akin and Akin, 2015 ).

3.2. Association between adult friendship and PERMA components

3.2.1. associations between adult friendship and experiencing positive emotions.

Seven studies were identified investigating the relationship between adult friendship and experiencing positive emotions (see Table 1 ). Almost in all studies PANAS ( n = 6, Watson et al., 1988 ), was used to measure positive emotions. The results are contradictory regarding the relationship between friendship quality and experiencing of positive emotions. Demir et al. ( 2007 ) found no significant relationship, while Demir and Weitekamp ( 2007 ) found a low positive correlation. On the other hand, support from friends was found to positively associate with positive emotions among Americans and Jordanians but not Iranians (Walen and Lachman, 2000 ; Brannan et al., 2013 ) and predict positive emotions six years later among Germans (Huxhold et al., 2013 ).

Moreover, research showed that friends' reactions to their partner's attempts of capitalizing positive events, perceived mattering by the friend, psychological needs' satisfaction in friendship (Demir and Davidson, 2013 ), friend's efforts to maintain the friendship and friendship autonomy support (Demir et al., 2011a ) are positively correlated with experiencing of positive emotions. No mediators/moderators of the aforementioned relationships were examined.

3.2.2. Associations between adult friendship and engagement

Only one study was identified investigating the relationship between adult friendship variables and engagement in specific activities (see Table 1 ). In particular, it was found that the number of friends of secondary and high school students predicts engagement levels in community activities during young adulthood (Heck and Fowler, 2007 ).

3.2.3. Associations between adult friendship and building positive relationships

Thirteen studies were identified investigating the associations between adult friendship variables and building positive relationships (see Table 1 ). The results showed that friendship quality and satisfaction positively correlate to relationship supportive behaviors, the tendency to think oneself in terms of relationships with others (Morry and Kito, 2009 ) and social skills (Demir et al., 2012a ). Also, friendship network quality during late adolescence predicts friendship network quality of young adults (Miething et al., 2016 ). Moreover, friendship quality predicts received support during adversity and emotional-focused support (Chen et al., 2015 ).

Similarly, companionship with friends during adolescence predicts support from friends during adulthood (Derdikman-Eiron et al., 2013 ). Also, time spend with friends significantly correlates to higher levels of social support from others and lower levels of loneliness and social distress (Cyranowski et al., 2013 ). Furthermore, the existing literature reveals an explicit relationship between social support from friends and positive relationships with others (Secor et al., 2017 ). Taken together, these findings show that adult friendship is an indicator of a well-developed social life.

In addition, support of friends' autonomy is associated with improved quality of friendship after 3 months (Koestner et al., 2012 ). Individuals who seek support from their friends develop more solidarity-based relationships in their lives, with which they are more satisfied (Carr and Wilder, 2016 ). Also, received and perceived social support is stronger among geographically closer friends (Weiner and Hannum, 2013 ) and these friendship maintenance behaviors associate with higher levels of compassion for others (Sanchez et al., 2018 ). Young adults, especially, build positive, close, supportive and warm relationships if their friends have supported their social identity when they entered university (Weisz and Wood, 2005 ). Therefore, it is clear that adult friendship exerts a beneficial influence on the quality of concurrent as well as future relationships.

Finally, there is another interesting finding pointing at the mechanisms which lead to positive friendships. When individuals perceive their friends as generous as themselves in their relationship, they are likely to make efforts to maintain and promote the common bond by increasing support and self-disclosure levels in their friendship (Lemay and Clark, 2008 ).

3.2.4. Associations between adult friendship and meaning in life

Only one study was identified investigating the association between adult friendship variables and sense of meaning in life (see Table 1 ). In particular, it was found that social support from friends positively associates with purpose in life after negative life events (Secor et al., 2017 ).

3.2.5. Associations between adult friendship and accomplishments

Similarly, only one study found investigating the relationships between friendship variables and accomplishments (see Table 1 ). This study found that friendship autonomy support predicts increases in goal progress 3 months later (Koestner et al., 2012 ).

3.3. Individual differences on the relationship between adult friendship variables and wellbeing outcomes

Regarding gender differences, contradictory findings emerged for different friendship variables and their relationship with wellbeing indices. More specifically, perceived mattering by a friend was found to associate with experiencing of positive emotions only among women (Demir and Davidson, 2013 ), while in the relationship of wellbeing with friend's responses to capitalization attempts, friendship quality and friendship maintenance behaviors no gender differences were found (Demir et al., 2017 , 2019 ). Moreover, no differences were found based on friendship ratings, i.e., between the three closest friendships and their associations with wellbeing indices (Demir et al., 2007 ; Demir and Özdemir, 2010 ).

Concerning race, the few studies investigating racial differences focused on comparing Americans with samples from Arabic countries, e.g., Jordan, Malaysia, and Turkey. A few interesting findings focus on the role of support from friends and friendship quality on the wellbeing levels of different samples based on race. More specifically, friendship quality associates more strongly with support provision among European Americans than Japanese, and associates with higher levels of attentiveness and companionship among Asian Americans than European Americans (Chen et al., 2015 ). On the other hand, Demir and colleagues (Demir et al., 2012a , b ) found no racial differences on the relationship between friendship quality and wellbeing among Americans with Malaysians and Turkish. Among Americans, however, perceived mattering by a friend mediates the relationship of friendship quality and wellbeing, whilst among Turkish friendship quality mediates the relationship of perceived mattering with wellbeing (Demir et al., 2012b ). Also, as regards the relationship of satisfaction by the support from friends and wellbeing, no racial differences were found among black and white women (Griffin et al., 2006 ). Nevertheless, support from friend was found to associate with wellbeing in an American sample but not in Jordanian and Iranian samples (Brannan et al., 2013 ).

4. Discussion

The purpose of this study was to systematically review the literature regarding the relationship between adult friendship and wellbeing as well as its components. The existing literature was evaluated through the lens of the PERMA theory (Seligman, 2011 ), which recognizes five pillars of wellbeing: experiencing positive emotions, engagement, positive relationships, sense of meaning in life, and accomplishments.

The literature review showed that, in general, adult friendship is positively correlated with individuals' wellbeing as well as most of its components. It has been documented that friendship is a valuable personal relationship among adults (Demir, 2015 ), contributes in various ways to their wellbeing (Pezirkianidis, 2020 ), enhances their resilience (Mertika et al., 2020 ; Pezirkianidis, 2020 ), and fulfills the fundamental human need for social interaction (Lyubomirsky, 2008 ). However, the instruments used in the previous literature to measure and conceptualize wellbeing significantly vary, i.e., the researchers focus on emotional, psychological, cognitive or subjective aspects of wellbeing making it difficult to draw conclusions and understand the nature of friendships' influences on wellbeing. Also, for particular wellbeing components, the results of the literature review were non-existent, sparse, contradictory or fragmentary, and many were drawn from studies on specific populations.

Concerning the first research question, it was found that the adult friendship variables mostly related to wellbeing are quality of friendship, number of friends, attempts to maintain the friendship, socialization with friends, friends' reactions to partner's attempts to capitalize on positive events, and support from friends (instrumental, emotional or support of autonomy). These findings underlie the importance of studying both qualitative and quantitative dimensions of friendships (Demir and Urberg, 2004 ; Demir et al., 2007 ).

As for the second research question, results showed that among the above variables, quality of friendship and socialization with friends predict wellbeing based on longitudinal studies' results. The study of social networks underlines that people's happiness is related to their friends' happiness levels (Fowler and Christakis, 2008 ; Christakis and Fowler, 2009 ). Moreover, perceived support from friends, such as companionship, predicts high wellbeing levels more than any other variable (Chau et al., 2010 ; Forgeard et al., 2011 ).

In response to the third research question about possible mediators and moderators in the association between adult friendship variables and wellbeing, evidence for moderation was not found. However, six variables were found to mediate this relationship: efforts to maintain the friendship, friendship quality, personal sense of uniqueness, perceived mattering, satisfaction of basic psychological needs, and subjective vitality.

These mediators highlight the possible mechanisms which lead to higher levels of wellbeing. Specifically, when an individual perceives a friend as autonomy supportive, as well as active and constructive responder, friendship quality (e.g., intimacy, support, and trust; Demir et al., 2017 ) and perceived mattering increase (Demir et al., 2012b ). As a result of these positive friendship experiences, individuals satisfy their basic psychological needs (Demir and Özdemir, 2010 ), realize their unique attributes and create a positive self-image (Demir et al., 2013b ); therefore, they are likely to engage in maintenance behaviors in order to reinforce the resilience and continuity of the friendship (Demir et al., 2011a , 2019 ). This procedure is enhanced when the individual experiences high levels of energy and vitality (Akin and Akin, 2015 ). Despite the aforementioned findings, further research on mediating and possible moderating effects is clearly needed.

The fourth research question focused on individual differences regarding the associations between adult friendship and wellbeing. The present study found limited differences based on gender and friendship ratings. Previous studies showed significant gender differences concerning friendship functions, but it seems that friendships are equally important for males' and females' wellbeing and prosperity (Christakis and Chalatsis, 2010 ; Marion et al., 2013 ). However, significant racial differences were found between samples of completely different cultures, such as Americans and Arabs or Americans and Japanese. More studies needed to shed light on the racial differences between samples of other cultures as well.

The fifth research question focused on whether adult friendship variables can predict specific components of wellbeing on the basis of the PERMA theory (Seligman, 2011 ). Regarding adult friendship variables and experiencing positive emotions, it was found that friendship quality, support from friends, perceived mattering by friends and satisfaction of the basic psychological needs by a friend significantly and positively associate with experiencing positive emotions. These findings add to the existing knowledge that positive relationships are emotionally rich and a source of great joy for humans (Ryff, 2014 ). Studies on social networks have shown that positive emotions are “contagious” and are transmitted among friends (Hill et al., 2010 ; Coviello et al., 2014 ). Findings about social support show that when friends interact within a positive emotional atmosphere, their experience broadens and this, in turn, activates an upward spiral which evokes even more positive emotions. In this context, partners enrich their interpersonal resources, such as social support, trust, compassion, perceived positive social connections (Kok et al., 2013 ), and other friendship qualities that are beneficial for physical and mental health (Garland et al., 2010 ).

According to the PERMA theory, another nuclear component of wellbeing is building positive relationships. The findings of this literature review showed that adult friendship quality and socialization with friends are associated with higher levels of quality and perceived support on every relationship in individuals' lives. Adult friendship is associated with a developed social life, but also with better and more positive relationships. According to Fowler and Christakis ( 2008 ), integrating individuals in support networks provides them with the necessary resources to successfully deal with the adverse effects of loneliness. Support from friends, in particular, has been found to lead to higher levels of engagement and satisfaction from different types of relationships, such as romantic and familial ones (Rodrigues et al., 2017 ). Finally, Weisz and Wood ( 2005 ) pointed out that support and appraisal from friends increase satisfaction with friendship as well as its resilience.

Research findings on the relationship of adult friendship with the other three components of wellbeing are limited. Number of friends was found to be related with engagement to community activities, support from friends was found to associate with meaning in life and accomplishments. Relationships with others and the sense of belonging to a network of relationships are one of the main sources of meaning in people's lives (Sørensen et al., 2019 ; Zhang et al., 2019 ) and, thus, create a sense of direction in life and intrinsic motivation to set goals and achieve them (Chalofsky and Krishna, 2009 ; Weinstein et al., 2013 ).

4.1. Gaps and limitations of the existing literature

The research literature on the associations between adult friendship, wellbeing and its components is currently growing but is also characterized by gaps and limitations which need to be addressed.

First, existing literature focuses on the quality of friendship as a whole rather than on its specific characteristics and functions in relation to wellbeing. In addition, only a few studies used a longitudinal design or were conducted with pairs of friends. Existing longitudinal studies do not focus on the effects of friendship, but rather study it only secondarily and often with a single-item measure. To add more, research has focused on the relationship between adult friendship and one-dimensional wellbeing indices, such as happiness and life satisfaction. No attempt has been made to construct a comprehensive theoretical model in order to account for the effects of adult friendship variables on specific components of wellbeing. Furthermore, most studies have been conducted in university student samples, a fact that limits the generalizability of the results to different age groups. The above gaps regarding the association between adult friendship and wellbeing are in accordance with some previous attempts to map this research field (Demir, 2015 ). In conclusion, future studies should address all these gaps and limitations, not only in the general population but also in various population subgroups and cultural contexts.

4.2. Contribution and practical implications of this study

This literature review has clear clinical and social implications. Counselors, psychologists, coaches, social workers, and educators working in clinical, educational, or work settings could utilize the results of this study in order to design interventions for promoting adult friendships. For example, one of the main goals of positive education in childhood and adolescence is to develop skills for building high-quality friendships. Similar efforts could be made in the university context for promoting students' mental health (Bott et al., 2017 ). In the workplace, building positive relationships and new friendships between employees could be a priority and lead to higher job satisfaction, engagement and productivity (Donaldson et al., 2019 ). In addition, during counseling or psychotherapy sessions, mental health professionals could use the information provided by this literature review to enhance their clients' supportive environment, experiencing positive emotions and meaning in life and, consequently, strengthen their resilience (Rashid and Baddar, 2019 ). At the macro level, efforts to build positive friendships and supportive connections between individuals could lead to better and happier citizens, therefore to happier societies (Oishi, 2012 ).

4.3. Conclusions

This study presented a systematic review of research on how adult friendships contribute to wellbeing as well as its components. Although individuals could reap the benefits of friendship from other social sources as well, it became evident that friendship is a special type of relationship, with a unique contribution to wellbeing. As a result, friendships have survived through the years and, in our days, are considered as vital to psychological flourishing (Wrzus et al., 2017 ). As Anderson and Fowers ( 2020 ) have argued, the most significant contribution of friendship to peoples' lives is the initiation and acceleration of the processes from which wellbeing emerges.

Data availability statement

Author contributions.

CP designed the study, conducted the review and the analyses, and wrote the research article. EG wrote and revised the writing of the article. GR wrote parts of the research article. DM revised the writing of the article. AS supervised all stages of the research procedure. All authors contributed to the article and approved the submitted version.

Conflict of interest

The authors declare that the research was conducted in the absence of any commercial or financial relationships that could be construed as a potential conflict of interest.

Publisher's note

All claims expressed in this article are solely those of the authors and do not necessarily represent those of their affiliated organizations, or those of the publisher, the editors and the reviewers. Any product that may be evaluated in this article, or claim that may be made by its manufacturer, is not guaranteed or endorsed by the publisher.

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9 of the Best Books for Adults About Friendship

Isabelle Popp

Isabelle Popp has written all sorts of things, ranging from astrophysics research articles and math tests to crossword puzzles and poetry. These days she's writing romance. When she's not reading or writing, she's probably knitting or scouring used book stores for vintage gothic romance paperbacks. Originally from New York, she's as surprised as anyone that she lives in Bloomington, Indiana.

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Samantha prefers to avoid conflict. The blisteringly honest Holly craves it. But these old college roommates haven’t spoken in ages. Then their mutual friend Katie is hospitalized and needs an errand. It’s simple: travel cross-country together, steal Katie’s loathsome ex-husband’s VW camper, find her diabetic Great Pyrenees at a Utah rescue, and drive him back home to Wisconsin. If it’ll make Katie happy, no favor is too big (one hundred pounds), too daunting (two thousand miles), or too illegal (ish). Now on the open road, Samantha and Holly will try to repair their friendship, no matter what it takes.

I am always eager to read books about friendship, especially books about how friendships form and evolve as adults. Friendships can be incredibly simple, or as complex as any dynamic found in familial or romantic relationships. Losing a friend, whether because of death, a distinct break-up, or even the slow drift apart, is an under-explored pain in literature, if you ask me. Maybe you have a squad of ride-or-die besties. Or maybe you still feel like the kid in the cafeteria holding the tray and wondering where to sit. Either way, I hope there’s a book on this list for you. If you like it, consider it a gift from me, your friend you haven’t met yet.

Happiness by Aminatta Forna

Some of the best explorations of friendship come through tales of unlikely friends. Happiness is one such story, when an American studying urban foxes and a Ghanaian psychiatrist literally bump into each other on a bridge in London. Their lives become further interconnected as a friendship blossoms. Although they are experts in different academic fields, those specialties give them each a keen understanding of loss.

Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman 

Consider this book, a tie-in to the Call Your Girlfriend podcast, a case study in how to put friendships on an equal footing with the other relationships considered more important by society at large. We’ve all heard the truism that “relationships take work.” But have you ever considered what that work looks like when it comes to fighting for a friendship? This book will urge you to deeply consider this and other friendship questions.

Lobster Is the Best Medicine: A Collection of Comics About Friendship by Liz Climo

These comics are deceptively simple. They demonstrate something that isn’t always easy about friendship, about meeting your friends where they are and giving them what they need in that moment. It makes me think of how no one in the Winnie the Pooh world seems to mind that Eeyore can be a real bummer sometimes. Or that Tigger maybe needs to calm the hell down. Everyone is appreciated and gets an invite to the party. We can all strive to be as good to our friends as the cute little animals in this book are to theirs.

Serena Singh Flips the Script by Sonya Lalli

I’ve long said I was interested in books about friendship that use the storytelling beats typically seen in romance novels. Well, here’s such a book! Serena Singh is trying to prove to her family that her version of happiness does not match theirs, and that that’s okay. A new friendship with a co-worker is one of the relationships that helps her achieve her desired state of self-reliance, a state that paradoxically includes letting people in.

Homie by Danez Smith

This book of poems is about the lifeline friendship can be in a world rife with suffering, and about what happens when that line is severed by death. At the same time, the book captures the value of friends who have less gravitational pull but still add color to our lives. There’s warmth and humor amid the grief and pain, giving a rounded and exquisitely crafted meditation on friendship.

Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond by Lydia Denworth

If you’re curious about the science of friendship and the research into it as a topic, this book provides an accessible overview. The book delves into the biology and psychology underpinning why friendship is literally vital and conversely, how loneliness can be deadly. It also looks into what friendship looks like among social animals who are not humans. Have you ever wondered if fish have friends? The answer may delight you.

The Brilliant Life of Eudora Honeysett by Annie Lyons

You’ll know if this is the book you need. If you hear that an irascible old person makes friends with a cheerful youngster and think, I could use an injection of candy-colored hearts and stars into my eyes, here you go. When Eudora Honeysett meets 10-year-old Rose Trewidney, her path (which had been straight toward the grave) is bent towards adventures with Rose and a renewed outlook on life.

The Subtweet by Vivek Shraya 

The song “ Game Shows Touch Our Lives ” by the Mountain Goats has one of the best couplets about friendship: “People say friends don’t destroy one another / What do they know about friends?” If you expand that line into a whole book, you might get The Subtweet . It tracks a transformative friendship of two musicians after one covers the other’s song. Among books about friendship, this one truly shows that friendships can be as thorny, filled with jealousy and volatility, as any other relationship.

Elizabeth and Monty: The Untold Story of Their Intimate Friendship by Charles Casillo

If Old Hollywood fascinates you, here’s a friendship story that adds dimension to a landscape rife with stories of romantic drama, family dynasties, and dazzling professional trajectories. This book traces a friendship that survived Elizabeth Taylor’s tumultuous romantic life and Montgomery Clift’s struggles with addiction. The intense world of Hollywood causes people to fracture into many different selves. Richly researched, Elizabeth and Monty lets you glimpse at the selves these captivating and storied actors shared with each other.

This is a fairly short list, but there are plenty more books about friendship. Female friendships , male friendships , toxic friendships , have at it! Looking for nonfiction or comics ? We’ve got those too. If you’re looking to actually make some new friends, well, it’s certainly not always easy. My best advice is to be yourself and ask potential new friends about what good books they’ve read lately. It’s worked for me!

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A voluntary relationship between two or more people that is relatively long-lasting and in which those involved tend to be concerned with meeting the others’ needs and interests as well as satisfying their own desires. Friendships frequently develop through shared experiences in which the people involved learn that their association with one another is mutually gratifying.

Adapted from the APA Dictionary of Psychology

Resources from APA

How to cope with political stress this election season

Brett Q. Ford, PhD, and political scientist Kevin Smith, PhD, talk about how political stress affects people’s well-being

Estrangement: Healing the pain

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How to help kids navigate friendship

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More resources about friendship

Magination Press children’s books

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The Forgiving Life

44 Best Books About Friendship & Best Friends

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Uncover the best books about friendship that are sure to warm your heart and make you smile – fiction and nonfiction.

If you love books about best friends, human and animal, we have just the reading list for you.

Some of these friendship books span across families and communities, demonstrating the importance of connection, relationships, and healthy support systems.

Others will bring together the unlikeliest of friends during difficult times and transitions, including death, war, health issues, and even politics.

While some of these books about friendship are more somber, others are sure to inspire, lift us up, and make us want to immediately call our best friend.

So, what are the best books on friendship – murder mysteries, thrillers, memoirs, fantasy, LGBTQ+ graphic novels, and more?

Below, explore just a few books about being a good friend (OK – and also a terrible friend) for adults and teens.

Be sure to let us know your favorites in the comments too. Let’s get started!

You may also enjoy these books that will make you think more deeply .

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What We Recommend

44 Best Books About Friendship & Best Friends

By Tori Curran & Christine

1. A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman

Translated into English by Henning Koch

Ove is a curmudgeon of a man, with a strict routine and principles. His neighbors call him the bitter neighbor from hell.

But when a young couple with two outgoing daughters accidentally run over Ove’s mailbox, he is forced to talk to them – and to teach them how to drive properly.

This action opens the gate for humorous and redeeming human interaction.

Slowly, we learn there is a heartbreaking sadness behind Ove’s rough facade. And Ove’s new neighbor is determined to get in.

A Man Called Ove is one of the best books on friendship because it illustrates that while we can certainly live alone and get along just fine, it is others who make us feel alive.

It also came to the big screen as A Man Called Otto in 2023 and is perfect if you want to read more books with older protagonists .

You may also recognize Backman from Anxious People , one of the best books about friendship in the most unlikely of circumstances, a bank robbery with hostages.

And, if you enjoy Swedish authors like Bachman, explore even more Swedish books .

Watch even more bestselling books made into movies . Read A Man Called Ove : Amazon | Goodreads

2. The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate

One of the most transformative friendship books, The One and Only Ivan tells the story of a gorilla in captivity – from his point of view – and his unlikely friendships.

Despite being a children’s book, this 2013 Newberry Award winner should be on everyone’s must-read list.

Ivan is a silverback gorilla living in a cage at the mall. He is relatively content with life.

His friend Stella is an aging and chronically injured elephant also at the mall, performing in a daily show. She wants to live in a zoo where she would have more space to roam.

Then Ruby, a baby elephant, is brought to the mall to live with Stella and learn her tricks. As Stella’s injury worsens, she asks Ivan to care for Ruby.

Ivan’s opinion of the mall soon shifts, and with the help of the mall custodian’s daughter, Julie, he begins to see a way out.

Poignant and touching, the themes of friendship and keeping promises will resonate with readers both young and old.

Plus, if you seek out sad but thought-provoking books , this is it. Read The One and Only Ivan : Amazon | Goodreads

3. The Start of Me and You by Emery Lord

Emery Lord is known for her contemporary YA books about best friends, relationships, and teen emotions.

Paige wants to be known as more than the girl whose boyfriend died.

She plans a comeback that involves dating her old crush, Ryan, and joining a club. But when Ryan’s nerdy cousin moves to town, her plans unexpectedly change.

Paige’s family issues and her fierce friendships are beautifully woven throughout this story of second chances.

Lord pens one of the most popular and heartfelt YA friendship books that will resonate with adults too. Read The Start of Me and You : Amazon | Goodreads

4. Smart Girls Get What They Want by Sarah Strohmeyer

Gigi, Bea, and Neerja are best friends, more focused on getting into Ivy League schools and starting real life than popularity.

An unexpected event forces the three best friends to reconsider what they’re missing out on while worrying about their futures.

They make a pact to come out of the shadows, but the spotlight may be more than they bargained for.

Though there are romance and other high school issues woven in, this resonates as a genuine and uplifting book about friendship. Read Smart Girls Get What They Want : Amazon | Goodreads

5. Happy and You Know It by Laura Hankin

Claire was almost famous… Until she was booted from her band before they made it big.

Now, she sings nursery rhymes for the Upper East Side’s most prestigious playgroup, led by their gorgeous and wealthy, Instagram-famous hostess, Whitney.

Whitney and her rich girlfriends seem to have it all. But as Claire gets closer to the mommies, cracks in their perfect facades start to appear.

As friendships are tested and betrayed with lies and scandal, Claire bears witness to it all. And an unlikely friendship – her own – begins to grow.

Some of the best books about friendship end with broken relationships. Plus, we love a scandalous novel set in New York City .

Uncover even more great fiction and nonfiction books about musicians and bands . Read Happy and You Know It : Amazon | Goodreads

6. What Remains: A Memoir of Fate, Friendship, and Love by Carole Radziwill

Before Real Housewives of New York City , Carol Radziwill was part of one of the country’s most famous families: the Kennedys.

But the Manhattan socialite delivers more than a typical book about friendship and lost love.

Carole was a working-class reporter when she met and married Anthony Radziwill, the nephew of Jackie Kennedy Onassis.

The pair became best friends with Anthony’s cousins, John and Carolyn Bessette Kennedy.

Soon after their marriage begins, Anthony Radziwill is diagnosed with cancer. He passes, but not before the fateful plane crash that would claim the lives of JFK Jr and Carolyn.

Radziwill’s memoir is more than just a story about the Kennedy family. It is a sentimental and tender story of someone who lost the three people dearest to her and needed to find the courage to continue on. Read What Remains : Amazon | Goodreads

7. A Train in Winter by Caroline Moorehead

A Train in Winter is one of our favorite nonfiction books on friendship and survival during World War Two.

Compiled from interviews and historical documents, it tells the story of the 230 women accused of being members of the French Resistance who were imprisoned by the Gestapo.

Coming from all walks of life, these women were forced to turn toward each other with one common goal: survival.

Their friendships drew invisible connections and encouraged strength.

Those who did return kept the stories and friendships alive of those who didn’t. Explore even more books about WW2 . Read A Train in Winter : Amazon | Goodreads

8. The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan

Four women unite in shared loss and begin gathering together to play mah-jong, eat dim sum, and invest. Rather than fall into despair, they found the Joy Luck Club to keep their spirits up.

Years later, their daughters continue the tradition, and, as the club continues, we learn each family’s secrets.

Food, culture, and generational bonds weave their way in, but it’s the friendships and connections that sit at the heart of Tan’s spectacular novel.

The Joy Luck Club is also one of our favorite foodie fiction books from the 1980s . Read The Joy Luck Club : Amazon | Goodreads

9. The Friendship List by Susan Mallery

A feel-good book about friendship for adults, The Friendship List is perfect for anyone looking for a lighthearted or beach read .

Single mom Ellen thinks she’s got it all together until she overhears her son saying that he can’t attend his dream college because his mom needs him too much.

In order to convince her son to go live his life, she’s going to have to start living hers.

Ellen’s best friend Unity creates a list of challenges – from wearing heels to getting tattoos – to push her out of her comfort zone.

Unity plans to complete the list too, but only for moral support…or so she thinks.

But somewhere along their road to convincing everyone else that they’re living their best lives, they learn to actually start living. Read The Friendship List : Amazon | Goodreads

10. Franklin and Winston: a Portrait of a Friendship by Jon Meacham

Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill weren’t just political allies and fierce world leaders; they were good friends.

Follow the epic and important friendship of a president and a prime minister who spearheaded the effort to preserve the free world during World War Two.

During their secret meetings and frequent correspondence, they forged one of the most crucial alliances and united their individual countries to fight tyranny.

But, Franklin and Winston is also the story of two men, born into very similar circumstances, who found friendship in one another.

They didn’t just share political goals, but talked often about their burdens and families.

Franklin and Winston is one of the most eye opening non-fiction books about friendship and allies during a transformative political era. Read Franklin and Winston : Amazon | Goodreads

11. The Soloist: A Lost Dream, an Unlikely Friendship, and the Redemptive Power of Music by Steve Lopez

Uncover the bestselling book and true story that inspired a major motion picture.

When journalist Steve Lopez discovers musician Nathanial Ayers, he is deeply moved by his story. A former student at Julliard, Ayers was playing a two-string violin on Los Angeles’s Skid Row.

Suffering from mental illness, neglect, and failure, he was the epitome of a fallen prodigy.

Lopez takes it upon himself to write about and help this violin man. But through an unlikely friendship and the power of music, Lopez himself changes too.

Poignant and compelling, The Soloist is perfect for anyone seeking one of those life-changing books about friendship and humanity. Read The Soloist : Amazon | Goodreads

12. Love and Saffron: A Novel of Friendship, Food, and Love by Kim Fay

Fifty-nine-year-old Imogen lives on Camano Island outside Seattle where she writes a column for a magazine.

After an article about digging for clams, she receives fan mail from twenty-seven-year-old Joan.

Joan, living in LA as a newbie food writer herself, offers some of her own advice for cooking the clams with a bunch of saffron to accompany her recipe.

Thus begins a friendship that sustains itself throughout the 1960s, including the Cuban Missile Crisis, the assassination of JFK, and their own personal life issues.

Through their correspondence, the two women learn about life, love, and new culinary adventures.

Love and Saffron is one of the best friendship books for anyone needing a respite from the uncertain times we live through. Read Love and Saffron : Amazon | Goodreads

13. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

TW: sexual abuse

Perhaps one of the best books about friendship and growing up ever written, The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a ’90s classic .

Charlie, a fifteen-year-old “wallflower,” struggling with recent trauma, writes letters to an unnamed recipient.

Patrick and his stepsister Sam – both with their own troubles – befriend him and accept Charlie into their group.

Amidst first dates, sexual encounters, family drama, drugs, alcohol, and friendships, we enter the world of a lost high schooler teetering between boyhood and adulthood.

While Chbosky pens one of the most relatable YA friendship books, he manages to weave in deep psychological trauma and the power of acceptance and inclusivity.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is also one of the greatest books adapted into a movie . Read The Perks of Being a Wallflower : Amazon | Goodreads

14. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

Steinbeck’s epic novel from the 1930s chronicles the lives of two migrant ranch workers: Lennie and George.

The two men move from place to place in California during the Great Depression, dreaming of one day owning their own piece of land.

Lennie’s strength and misfortune have gotten the men in trouble before, and it will again. At a new ranch, their boss’s son targets Lennie, while his overly flirtatious wife poses an even bigger problem.

Their dream is within reach, but Lennie’s strength will get him into trouble again.

Though the infamous ending is heartbreaking, Steinbeck reminds us that mercy can often be at the heart of a friendship.

This is one of those classic books on friendship that you might appreciate more as an adult versus a student. Read Of Mice and Men : Amazon | Goodreads

15. The Friend Zone by Abby Jimenez

Kristen is facing a medically necessary procedure that has a big caveat: undergoing treatment will mean she can’t get pregnant in the future.

While planning her best friend’s wedding, she meets the handsome and charismatic best man, Josh. The attraction is mutual, but Josh wants a big family one day.

While she knows Josh’s future might be more picture-perfect with someone else, Kristen can’t manage to keep him in her friend zone.

Another popular lighthearted book about friendship and the possibility of love, The Friend Zone will have you both laughing and crying. Read The Friend Zone : Amazon | Goodreads

16. Text Me When You Get Home by Kayleen Schaefer

Schaefer celebrates the evolution of female friendship and challenges us to consider the fact that our love stories can, and should, include those with our good friends.

If you’re looking for books about being a good friend, this will encourage you to rediscover the abundant value of friendship.

Readers will also reconsider the bias we often place on competitive female friendships and learn how to foster genuine connections. Read Text Me When You Get Home : Amazon | Goodreads

17. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

We can’t overlook Bridge to Terabithia . Despite being the second children’s novel on our list, it is truly one of the best books about friendship ever written.

Fifth-grader Jesse is artistic, angry, and anxious.

His life is transformed when he meets Leslie who is full of adventure and from a wealthy family.

She encourages him to release his fears, and together the two create a magical kingdom in the woods that they call Terabithia.

Tragedy strikes, but the friendship will live on forever. For books about best friends, this is one of the saddest. Read Bridge to Terabithia : Amazon | Goodreads

18. The Girls from Ames by Jeffrey Zaslow

Zaslow examines the bond between ten women from Ames, Iowa, making The Girls from Ames one of the best nonfiction friendship books that demonstrates the rewards of relationships – and the lifetime memories they create.

As children, eleven girls formed a special bond in a small town.

Their connections carry them across eight states, through relationships, motherhood, careers, tragedy, heartbreak, and even the death of the eleventh member.

As adults, the unbreakable friendships continue to shape their lives. Read The Girls from Ames : Amazon | Goodreads

19. Leonard: My Fifty-Year Friendship with a Remarkable Man by William Shatner with Davis Fisher

For more nonfiction books about friendship, Leonard is perfect for fans of Star Trek .

William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy first met as actors on the set of The Man From U.N.C.L.E .

They had no idea that their next roles as Spock and Captain Kirk would shape their lives in unimaginable ways.

In Leonard , Shatner recounts both personal and professional stories with the man who remained his good friend for over fifty years.

With humor and emotion, this is an introspective look into a remarkable man and a unique friendship. Read Leonard : Amazon | Goodreads

20. A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

TW: sexual, physical, and psychological abuse, suicide, self-harm, trauma

Four college classmates move to New York, each broken, lost, and bound by friendship.

Over the years, their relationships will be challenged by addiction, successes, failures, and by one of their own, Jude, who sits at the center of the story.

Jude struggles to be defined by anything other than his own trauma.

At over 800 pages, Yanagihara’s epic story is dark, moving, heartbreaking, and redemptive. Intense and often painful to read, it will be one of the most profound friendship books you’ll ever pick up. Read A Little Life : Amazon | Goodreads

More Of The Best Books On Friendship By Christine

21. Razorblade Tears by S. A. Cosby

TWs, including abuse, homophobia, violence, transphobia, racism, and alcoholism 

Travel to the South in one of the best modern books about best friends.

Razorblade Tears is a violent yet deeply profound story following a Black father and a white father’s growing friendship sparked by the murder of their gay sons.

As ex-cons, Ike and Buddy Lee have tried to lead clean lives since prison. Although refusing to accept their sons’ sexuality, they vow to seek revenge on their killers.

Full of grief and guilt, Buddy Lee and Ike set out on a journey of retribution and self-growth, learning more about their sons, their sons’ community, and themselves.

This is one of the heaviest friendship books on this list but truly a 5-star read. It won’t be for everyone. Read Razorblade Tears : Amazon | Goodreads

22. The Woman Next Door by Yewande Omotoso

Some of the best books on friendship start out with the main characters as enemies; that’s exactly how Omotoso presents Hortensia and Marion.

Set in South Africa , Marion’s husband has died and left her with nothing. As a white woman, she refuses to see systematic racism, the effects of colonialism, and her own innate prejudice.

Her Black neighbor, Hortensia finds Marion utterly reprehensible and is also dealing with her own anger against a cheating husband.

As Hortensia renovates her home, she accidentally destroys Marion’s. The two suddenly find themselves as housemates.

Through their interactions and growth, readers learn more about Apartheid in South Africa. The Woman Next Door is a slow-paced and contemplative book about friendship. Read The Woman Next Door : Amazon | Goodreads

23. The Broken Girls by Simone St. James

Travel to Vermont in the 1950s where four friends attend a boarding school for “unwanted” children. Idlewild Hall is also famous for its resident ghost, Mary Hand.

All who see Mary Hand tend to relive past trauma.

In the present day, Fiona’s sister’s killer has been convicted; yet, there are so many unanswered questions. Fiona cannot let go of the murder.

When Fiona learns that someone is mysteriously renovating the school where the killer left her sister’s body, she investigates under the guise of a journalistic story.

Even worse, the construction crew finds a child’s body, forcing the past and present to collide. Thank goodness for persistent friends.

The Broken Girls is one of the most popular dark academia books about friendship for ghost and haunted “house” lovers .

Devour even more paranormal books with ghosts .

Read The Broken Girls : Amazon | Goodreads

24. Marley & Me by John Grogan

Let’s talk about those famous pooches that make the best of friends too.

John and Jenny Grogan adopt Marley – the best-worst dog ever. Their energetic little tornado gets into everything, even getting booted from dog training school.

However, Marley becomes part of the family and is the ultimate devoted companion. Marley teaches everyone the value of unconditional love.

Marley & Me is one of the sweetest but also saddest friendship books on this list. Have those tissues ready.

If you’ve ever owned a beloved pet, this story is highly relatable. Explore even more books for dog lovers and unique love stories . Read Marley & Me : Amazon | Goodreads

25. Reckless Girls by Rachel Hawkins

How about an edgy book about friends that makes you snooze with one eye open at a sleepover?

A 2022 book release , Reckless Girls is quite the suspenseful and jaw-dropping read – also perfect if you enjoy friendship books set on remote islands .

With Lux’s mother gone, she travels to Hawaii with her new boyfriend, Nico, to start over. When two women ask Nico and Lux to take them to haunted Meroe Island, he’s game for an adventure.

Suddenly, this group of four becomes six, but does anyone really know each other?

When a seventh person arrives, we realize this story is quickly transforming from a party island to hell on earth rather quickly.

Will anyone make it off the island alive? Can we trust our friends and boyfriends?

Reckless Girls was one of the best 2022 suspense novels .

Read Reckless Girls : Amazon | Goodreads

26. Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close by Aminatou Sow & Ann Friedman

You may recognize Sow and Friedman from their podcast, Call Your Girlfriend , which inspired this story.

One of the newer nonfiction books about best friends, Big Friendship is a worthy mention because of its important discussion about maintaining friendships, especially as we age, as well as understanding and navigating interracial friendships.

Friendships are hard to grow, nurture, and sustain, especially over time and as circumstances change. We get busy, we become self-centered, values change, and we grow apart naturally.

Sow and Friedman share their friendship origin story and how close they come to almost losing their relationship until seeking therapy.

Both also note that while they are not professionals, they utilize mentors, therapists, psychologists, and scholars to inform their views.

Read Big Friendship : Amazon | Goodreads

27. One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston

While falling in love is at the heart of one of our favorite books set on a train , we want friends and roommates as cool and as wonderful as August’s newfound community.

At 23, August has all but given up on romantic love, and she’s also trying to find herself, especially having jumped from school to school around the country.

Now in NYC, August has incredible roommates and a life-changing encounter with a sexy and mysterious woman on the train.

Jane just happens to be from the 1970s and is trapped in the train’s energy. Can August – with the help of her friends – save Jane? And if she does, will she lose the love of her life?

One Last Stop is one of the best LGBTQ+ books on friendship featuring a feel-good romance. Read One Last Stop : Amazon | Goodreads

28. The Southern Book Club’s Guide To Slaying Vampires by Grady Hendrix

TWs, including domestic abuse, suicide, violence, and sexual assault

You might not think that a vampire story would be one of the best friendship books to read. However, this true crime book club might just surprise you.

Patricia is bored and disenchanted with her Southern life, especially when everyone’s husband writes off their partners as hysterical housewives.

However, friendship can be empowering, and Patricia lives for her true crime book club.

When townspeople start disappearing and dying, Patricia suspects that James is a vampire – he’s the attractive new guy in town, after all.

Unfortunately, the husbands love James as he’s making them rich.

Can Patricia save her family and this community? Will her friends help her?

Read The Southern Book Club’s Guide To Slaying Vampires : Amazon | Goodreads

29. The Boyfriend Project by Farrah Rochon

When Samiah Brooks learns from social media that the man she is dating is seeing and playing multiple women at the same time, she takes immediate action.

Storming to the restaurant to catch Craig in the act, all three of his dates unite to tell him off. The women decide to grab drinks, becoming instant friends.

From here on out, London, Taylor, and Samiah make a pact called “The Boyfriend Project,” agreeing to take 6 months off from the dating scene to work on and enjoy their own interests.

All goes according to plan until Samiah gets a hot new co-worker who has a few secrets of his own.

For a rom-com book about friendship and women in tech set in Texas, The Boyfriend Project will check all of the boxes.

Travel across all 50 States with these books .

The Boyfriend Project : Amazon | Goodreads

30. In Five Years by Rebecca Serle

If you love time travel books as much as we do, In Five Years is a must – and a story you will devour in half a day. Like Marley & Me, have the tissue box ready, though.

Since the tragic death of her brother, Dannie has been obsessed with her 5-year-plan, including the perfect career and marriage.

Thinking she has it in the bag, Dannie falls asleep on the night of her engagement and sees herself 5 years ahead with another man.

Was this a dream? A premonition? Did she just time travel? No matter what, this was not a part of the plan.

When Dannie wakes up and meets the man from her “dream,” she is utterly terrified of its repercussions, especially for her friendship with Bella.

Readers expect In Five Years to be a time travel romance. However, it turns out to be the ultimate book about best friends. Read In Five Years : Amazon | Goodreads

31. The Rose Code by Kate Quinn

One of the best 2021 books on friendship during WWII, The Rose Code will check all of the boxes:

Encounter strong women in historical fiction , a riveting WWII novel, and a story shining light onto women’s lesser-acknowledged contributions during the war.

Osla, Mab, and Beth – three women recruited to decipher German military codes – start out as the best of friends.

However, as the story begins, we realize that an alleged betrayal has split apart the women and one is currently residing in a mental health institution.

As they reunite to crack one last code, can they catch a traitor and repair their friendship amidst a royal wedding?

Although one of the longest friendship books on this list, Quinn is a goddess at writing captivating WWII historical fiction . Explore even more books with colors in the title . Read The Rose Code : Amazon  |  Goodreads

32. The Death Of Vivek Oji by Akwaeke Emezi

You wouldn’t typically think of The Death of Vivek Oji as one of the top books about friendship – but we promise, you won’t regret this one.

In fact, The Death of Vivek Oji was one of our top books of 2020 . An LGBTQ+ book set in Nigeria , non-binary author Emezi transports readers to Africa.

It’s no spoiler that Emezi begins with the actual death of Vivek Oji. Someone has left Vivek’s body on his mother’s doorstep.

Who killed Vivek, and why would he be left in such a manner?

Before this moment and throughout the story, Vivek struggles with who he feels like inside versus the way he must behave and look for society.

Only behind closed doors, including in cousins’ and childhood friends’ homes, is Vivek free to express himself – and is loved and safe.

The Death of Vivek Oji is a heartbreaking story about relationships. Emezi is one of our all-time favorite authors too. Read The Death Of Vivek Oji : Amazon  |  Goodreads

33. My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante

Translated in English by Ann Goldstein

Travel to Italy in Ferrante’s My Brilliant Friend – the first in the series – which was also made into a TV show.

It is the 1950s in Naples, and we watch 10-year-old Lila’s and Elena’s lives and friendship evolve over the course of 60 years.

Their roles, values, dreams, neighborhood, and relationships change throughout.

For slow-burn friendship books, learn more about working-class Naples and witness one complicated friendship. Read My Brilliant Friend: Amazon | Goodreads

34. Aristotle And Dante Discover The Secrets Of The Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Aristotle And Dante Discover The Secrets Of The Universe is one of the ultimate YA LGBTQ+ books about best friends.

Aristotle and Dante are both lonely with seemingly very little in common. However, when they meet at the pool, their friendship begins to grow in a sincere yet confusing manner.

Plus, Aristotle is constantly angry as his brother is in prison and his father struggles with PTSD. All of this trauma makes navigating high school and growing up even more difficult.

A slow-paced story about friendship transforming into love, this Printz Honor Book – along with many other awards – emphasizes coming of age and exploring our sexuality.

It’s incredibly endearing and one of our favorite YA friendship books.

Read Aristotle And Dante Discover The Secrets Of The Universe : Amazon | Goodreads

35. We Were Never Here by Andrea Bartz

For creepier books about friendship, travel to Cambodia and Chile – and maybe you’ll survive the night.

Emily and Kristen are best friends and fearless travelers. However, the men they meet at bars always end up dead after hanging out with them.

Are these accidents? Acts of self-defense? Or, is something more sinister happening here?

Back in Wisconsin, Emily starts to question all that she knows about Kristen, including her parent’s tragic death in a house fire.

Kristen is a bit…obsessive and controlling, adding to the suspense of the novel. Witness the effects of past trauma at their worst.

Toxic friendship books are sure to end badly. We Were Never Here : Amazon | Goodreads

36. People We Meet On Vacation by Emily Henry

One of the most popular friendship books of 2021, travel to Palm Springs, CA in Henry’s rom-com, People We Meet On Vacation .

Poppy is a travel writer for a luxury travel magazine, which sounds heavenly. However, she’s actually not happy or inspired in life.

While Poppy’s job grants her all-expenses-paid vacations to gorgeous destinations, she’s lost her creativity along with her best friend and vacation partner, Alex.

With one last chance to repair their friendship and a faulty AC thwarting their plans, Alex and Poppy’s escapades will make you laugh out loud.

People We Meet On Vacation is one of the funniest books about best friends with that spark and potential for something more. Read People We Meet On Vacation : Amazon | Goodreads

37. The Book Thief By Markus Zusak

One of the best WWII novels for teens , The Book Thief promises not only a book about friendship but also about the power of books.

Narrated by Death, travel to Nazi Germany in 1939 where Liesel’s foster family hides Max, their Jewish friend, in the basement.

Liesel is the namesake of the story, stealing books as her foster father teaches her to read.

While bombs drop around them, Liesel and Max’s relationship grows as they share their commonalities over books and words.

Unfortunately, Death is quite busy during war, making this one of the most somber friendship books on this list.

Read The Book Thief : Amazon | Goodreads

38. Heartstopper by Alice Oseman

While Heartstopper is ultimately an LGBTQ+ graphic novel and romance, it’s also a terrific book about friendship.

Charlie is one of the only people in his school who is openly gay, which is rough. Thankfully, he has the best of friends.

When Charlie realizes that a guy in his grade is just using him to make out but has a girlfriend in the public eye, Charlie isn’t sure he’ll ever find love.

Enter Nick, a rugby player who immediately befriends Charlie. Nick and Charlie love spending time together watching movies and playing with Nick’s cute dog.

Charlie assumes that Nick is straight, but Nick quickly realizes that he feels more than just friendship toward Charlie.

However, Nick is confused. Can he like both girls and guys?

Devour one of the sweetest and most heart-swelling books about best friends. We champion both the TV and book series. Read Heartstopper : Amazon | Goodreads

39. The Survivors By Jane Harper

If you enjoy character-heavy friendship books and murder mysteries, The Survivors is a satisfying slow-burn read worth the build-up.

Travel to the fictional island of Evelyn Bay in Tasmania where a group of guilt-riddled friends is still struggling with trauma and a mysterious death from their childhood.

Add in a present-day murder in a small community, and everyone is suspect.

With a deadly storm brewing, can they stop the murderer before anyone else dies?

The Survivors is one of those books on friendship where secrets are constantly unfolding. Someone – or everyone – is lying.

Uncover even more books set in and about Australia . Read The Survivors : Amazon | Goodreads

40. The Cartographers by Peng Shepherd

Nothing beats a dark academia book about friendship set at the New York Public Library .

Head out on a fantastical adventure that is reminiscent of Harrow’s The Ten Thousand Doors of January .

Nell’s NYPL cartographer career is over before it even started – and all because of a box filled with junk. 

Estranged from her dad – who was responsible for firing her – she is shocked to learn of his murder over a worthless highway map.

Who would kill over a map and why?

In order to answer that, follow Nell’s parents and their nerdy group of friends throughout college. Friendship books don’t get any more surprising than this.

Navigate even more books on cartography . Read The Cartographers : Amazon | Goodreads

41. The Ballerinas by Rachel Kapelke-Dale

One of the edgiest friendship books, The Ballerinas will certainly leave you thinking about the chosen people in your life.

Although the surprises shouldn’t be that shocking, they somehow are.

Travel to Paris to the Paris Opera Ballet where Delphine, Margaux, and Lindsay have schooled and competed to be a part of the most prestigious and iconic ballet company.

Although the best of friends, when there are only two open and coveted soloist spots, all three women do unthinkable things to get on top.

Guilty and chasing a relationship, Delphine heads to St. Petersburg, only returning to Paris decades later brokenhearted, motherless, and as a choreographer. Can she re-kindle her childhood friendships?

This is not a fluffy friendship novel. Encounter infidelity, scandal, lies, recording sex without consent, and older men sleeping with much younger women.

Examine loyalty to ourselves, friendships, work, and our bodies. Books about best friends don’t get any more thought-provoking and timely than this.

Explore more books about, from, and set in France .

Read The Ballerinas : Amazon | Goodreads

42. Pumpkinheads by Rainbow Rowell & Faith Erin Hicks

Books about best friends don’t get any more atmospheric than YA graphic novel Pumpkinheads , and you’ll fall in love with Deja and Josie.

Every Halloween season, Deja and Josie man the Succotash Hut in the best pumpkin patch in Omaha, Nebraska.

With high school graduation looming, it’s their last fall working here, and both Deja and Josie have some bucket list goals.

Josie has been crushing on Fudge Girl for years, and it’s finally time to talk to her. Meanwhile, Deja just wants to enjoy the patch as a guest instead of a staff member.

Throughout the course of their adventurous night, we watch their relationship transform. Will Fudge Girl be who Josie thinks she is, and will Deja get her favorite snacks? Will they be more than just seasonal friends?

Fall in love with the warm and autumn-colored illustrations in one of the best books about friendship and crushes. Read Pumpkinheads : Amazon | Goodreads

43. The Celebrants by Steven Rowley

TWs for suicide, drug addiction, and more

One of the best books about friendship released in 2023 , we cannot champion The Celebrants enough.

You might remember Rowley from his beloved The Guncle , and now he’s tackling the contemporary book version of the movie, Big Chill .

Follow a group of six friends that become 5 when one of them dies during their college years – potentially by suicide, but they’ll never know for sure.

From that moment forward, they form a pact to meet across decades to celebrate their living funerals, usually when a member is at their lowest – such as divorce or a parent(s) death.

They skydive, try a Ouiji board, go on vacation, and swim with the sharks.

The Celebrants is a friendship book filled with multifaceted middle-aged characters sure to make you cry, laugh, and cry some more. We never wanted it to end.

Read The Celebrants : Amazon | Goodreads

44. Legends & Lattes by Travis Baldree

For foodie fiction and queer fantasy lovers , one of our favorite friendship books of all time is all about delicious coffee – with a passion that rivals the Gilmore Girls.

Retiring orc, Viv, fell in love with coffee while on a murderous hunt – a lifestyle she is now hoping to leave behind.

Heading to the small village of Thune, Viv is sure that the Scalvert’s Stone she has in her possession is responsible for her new business’s success – and so are a few other threatening people who now want it…

Can Viv keep her shop open with the help of her new eccentric group of friends? And, what happens if she loses this precious stone? Will her friends, love, and newfound success also disappear?

Baldree has created the perfect recipe for one of the sweetest and best books on friendship that you’ll want to read in one sitting.

Thimble, Cal, Tandri, Gallina, Hem, and Pendry are just a few of the characters – and new friends – you’ll never want to forget.

Read Legends and Lattes : Amazon | Goodreads

Grab the best books on friendship for later :

Save These Books About Best Friends For Later:

What are your favorite friendship books?

What is your all-time favorite book about friendship?

And, which books about best friends should we add to our always-growing TBR piles? Let us know in the comments!

Before you go…

If you enjoy all things best friends and are in a movie mood, be sure to check out these great movies about friendship . Find films featuring weddings, road trips, overcoming hardship, and more. Some of these movies will make you laugh out loud while others might hit a heartstring or two. Genres include rom-coms, dramas, animated fantasy films, and horror.

Related Articles:

• Books For Sisters

Thank you to TUL contributor, Tori Curran from Explore With Tori

Tori (pronouns: she/her) is a children’s librarian and mom to two boys living in New York. She’s an avid traveler, nature enthusiast, and writer, encouraging families to get outside and start exploring the world. When she’s not hiking or traveling, you can find her lost in a historical fiction book, watching Bravo reruns, or obsessively decluttering her home.

Tori Curran

Tori (pronouns: she/her) is a mom to two boys, living in New York but adventuring everywhere, usually with a toddler on her back. She's an avid traveler, nature junkie, and writer, encouraging families to get outside and start exploring the world. When she's not hiking or traveling, you can find her lost in a book, watching Bravo reruns, or obsessively decluttering her home. Tori owns the family and adventure blog, Explore with Tori .

Christine Frascarelli

Christine (she/her) is the owner, lead editor, and tipsy book sommelier of The Uncorked Librarian LLC, an online literary publication showcasing books and movies to inspire travel and home to the famed Uncorked Reading Challenge. With a BA in English & History from Smith College, an MLIS from USF-Tampa, and a U.S. Fulbright Fellowship in Christine's back pocket, there isn't a bookstore, library, or winery that can hide from her. Christine loves brewery yoga, adopting all of the kitties, and a glass of oaked Chardonnay. Charcuterie is her favorite food group.

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The best books on friendship, recommended by lauren mechling.

How Could She by Lauren Mechling

Friendships: they can be hard to keep and even harder to understand. Yet so often they end up having enormous impacts on our lives. Lauren Mechling , contributing editor at Vogue  and author of the novel  How Could She , picks the novelists that best portray the thorny underside of friendship as well as its joys.

Interview by Stephanie Kelley

My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh

Quartet In Autumn by Barbara Pym

A Friend from England by Anita Brookner

How To Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Jenny Odell

Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage by Alice Munro

1 My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh

2 quartet in autumn by barbara pym, 3 a friend from england by anita brookner, 4 how to do nothing: resisting the attention economy by jenny odell, 5 hateship, friendship, courtship, loveship, marriage by alice munro.

S o, you’ve picked five books on friendship. What was your methodology for choosing this selection?

But you read lists and magazines with headlines like ‘Our top friendship novels!’ and usually it’s like Sex and the City with half as many characters: it’s either books about pairs of women or Thelma & Louise stories. There’s a lot of affirmation and mutual empowerment going on. My selections reflect my particular obsessions with friendship, which tend to be its darker underpinnings. I wanted to present books that would be surprising—that would perhaps open windows for people or help them think about friendship a little differently.

What makes a good novel about friendship? There are so many novels of human relationships, or that feature a dominant romance or friendship running through them. Zadie Smith’s NW , which orbits around a friendship of two women as they grow up and become adults, comes to mind.

It’s funny—I love that book, but I don’t think of it as a bull’s-eye friendship novel. To me, it’s more like two parallel stories: two women who had an intense connection, each of whom is running on their own tracks throughout the book. NW isn’t as much about their interactions with each other as it is the impressions they made on each other.

For me, a good friendship novel is not totally cuddly. In an ideal world, it opens my eyes to a dynamic that hits me straight and feels familiar, but which I hadn’t been able to articulate to myself before. I’m also interested in the changing geometries of dynamics. I love a friendship triangle, or a seesaw between two people where there are shifts in momentum. I like power dynamics that can be blown up from the inside. We all understand what the glossy, good side of friendship is. But as a subject, I don’t think friendship gets its due in terms of its depth, its complications, and the ramifications it can have on our lives and our sense of who we are.

You’ve just written a novel that features a friendship triangle. Can you tell us a bit about it?

My book is about the trouble of female friendship. Over the course of a hopefully fun-to-read, fast-moving novel, I try to articulate these formerly unspeakable dynamics, and the feelings that women experience in relationships with other women. Especially with the effect of time. In one way friendship is impossible, because once a dynamic has been sorted out—and is agreeable to both parties, let’s say—then time happens. Circumstances change, and a whole new set of realities come into play. It’s very difficult to keep up with changes all around us and keep a friendship. To set up every friendship so that it will continue to nourish both people.

The main storyline of How Could She takes place from New Year’s to New Year’s over the course of 2017. In it, there are three women who once upon a time were true peers, growing up together as young women. Through so much exposure to one another during this very pivotal period in self-definition, they became really important to each other. A little more than a decade later, they’re still intertwined, but they’ve all landed at very different stations in life. And it’s very difficult to navigate this or even speak about it. I don’t know anyone I’m friends with who’ll say, ‘It’s very hard for me that this good thing is happening to you’, but I’m sure people feel it. I’m not proud of my internal monologue, but I feel it, too. It’s impossible not to measure yourself against your friends.

That sounds so compelling. Beginning with your book choices, let’s start with Ottessa Moshfegh’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation . I love this book. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever read.

It’s funny, because that’s such a dark book, but it’s actually the lightest of the five. The friendship in it is very sweet, actually: it’s about two women, one of whom doesn’t have a name, and her best friend, Reva. They’re both brilliant comic characters, but Reva really lived on with me. Ottessa Moshfegh has this ability to say so much with little spiky details that linger. Though I read it over a year ago, I just vividly remember Reva, glugging Diet 7-Up, obsessed with her fake Gucci purses, or going to Pilates and talking about her nights going out to gay bars in the West Village. She’s just this hilarious creature of a moment: the basic girl from 2000.

But she’s actually the only source of love in the novel. She cares and worries for the narrator. In fact, the most poignant, life-changing moment in the book at the very end is about Reva. She’s a character who all along has had a comic element to her, so I was surprised by how profound the ending to do with her fate was. It’s what happens to Reva that ends our narrator’s stretch of total self-destruction.

“ My Year of Rest and Relaxation is the anti-wellness manifesto”

I read it as a rebuke to our culture of wellness, which was so refreshing. It’s the anti-wellness manifesto: this woman is basically poisoning herself every hour of the day with all sorts of pharmaceuticals. Coming from a culture where everyone is glugging turmeric juice and matcha powders and charcoal, reading about this woman who’s hilariously, greedily downing her medications—as much as she can get from the one other person in the book she talks to, her horrible psychiatrist, who’ll give her absolutely anything under the sun—was just great.

When I told a friend of mine that you’d picked this, she said that when it first came out, she mentioned it to her Upper West Side therapist, who just groaned and said something like, ‘You’re like the seventh person this week to come in destroyed by and needing to discuss this book.’ Which I thought was just hilarious.

That is hilarious. I wonder if the therapist went into this place of defensiveness—‘We actually don’t do that! Why is she depicting us as these thoughtless monsters?’

We also only see Reva through the narrator’s eyes; her kindness is often warped by the perspective of someone who is really sick and often cruel, right?

But the book itself is so prickly and so deranged, and that’s the only culture or environment in which a character like Reva could survive in a way that pleases me. If Reva were dropped into any other book that was a little more earnest or full of heart, she’d probably really annoy me, or I would’ve thought her more two-dimensional. But instead, there’s a contrast: Reva is this night-clubbing, narcissistic bulimic who’s actually really devoted to her friend.

The narrator isn’t necessarily a bad friend to Reva. She’s a very ill person; she’s a bad friend to herself , mostly. (Though she’s a good friend to herself by being friends with Reva). But Reva is a saint for putting up with this person, who won’t even accompany her anywhere. The narrator is a drag; it’s all about her problems. Reva has to operate in the world friendlessly, because her best friend is lying on the couch in a stupor for most of the book.

In a way, Reva is her carer. It’s not entirely one-sided, but it’s close.

Whereas in another kind of novel, some actual plot action would have to create that kind of disruption—so it’s really intriguing that novels about friendship can have that slow simmer. Next, you picked Barbara Pym, Quartet in Autumn .

I would pick her for any list. I named my daughter (Louisa Pym) after her! I love Barbara Pym. From the moment I found her, she has not left that special place on my bookshelf.

I press her into the hands of younger women and most have not read her. So many people who work in the world of literature, and who love humorous, poignant writing, still haven’t gotten to her yet. But that’s part of the beauty of Pym—she was so overlooked and so marginalized, and that’s why she’s able to write about that kind of character.

What is her novel of social manners like, for someone who’s never read her?

It’s many-layered. She’s known for writing about lonely women who have romantic fantasies about clergymen. They have jumble sales, live in small villages and survey each other for gossip as if bird-watching. There’s a very suppressed interiority in Barbara Pym: people are well-behaved, repressed, very English, and not generous with themselves. There’s always a scrimping and saving element, an emphasis on what would be suitable and not being extravagant or showy. But for me the real pleasure of Pym is less about the set dressing of her world—which I do adore—but her flavor, her point of view. Which is unsparing and melancholic, but a little twisted.

The novel you chose is definitely on the darker side, for Pym.

I re-read Quartet in Autumn a month ago. It’s a strange novel to re-read with much time in-between. The first time I read it, I thought it was a hoot. It was published in 1977, but it has this late 60s, early 70s flavor to it—this chartreuse aesthetic. It’s about four people who don’t feel comfortable in a changing, groovy London. They work together in an office. One thing I love about it is that it’s never made clear what they do. All that’s clear is that they’re completely marginalized. It seems like their colleagues put up with them, are waiting to get rid of them, and maybe give them little fake tasks. You get the sense from the book that there’s actual industry happening, but these four are not a part of it. [ Laughs .] It’s a little like The Breakfast Club ; there are these four losers who are united by virtue of that.

“The real pleasure of Pym is less about the set dressing of her world—which I do adore—but her flavor, her point of view”

When reading it for the first time, I thought it was the weirdest book of hers. Because it is weird. It moves out of cottage country: now we’re in London, and you get the sense of a more modern society creeping in on Pym-land. There’s a less jolly spirit. It feels more deranged and more tragic in a very appealing way. But little details stuck with me. There’s one character who has this strange compulsion to not recycle her milk bottles; instead, she hoards them in a shed, or sometimes she hides them on a bookshelf in a library. And she also obsessively collects brochures for holidays she’s not going to go on.

But re-reading it a month ago, I was horrified. Because it’s brutal and it’s so sad. Really, it’s a book about mortality—about the world truly having no need for you. I’m also interested in the idea of the context-based friendship: the deep connection that can form between people simply because they’re sharing some experience together. Nothing otherwise would’ve drawn these four characters—Marcia, Letty, Norman and Edwin—together, but they’re in the same boat, in the same strange office, and they come, albeit not in a warm, cuddly way, to be each other’s family. They’re each other’s only human connection.

Despite this sustained proximity, throughout the novel their boundaries never really let up with each other. It’s so delicious but so painful. It’s something I don’t relate to—that’s not how I am—but you get the sense, watching these people, that in a way they’re spying on each other. There’s a tenderness; they worry about each other, but they wouldn’t really dare say much to each other. A character won’t openly express her thoughts about the other person’s life choices, but they will obsess over them.

They’re observing each other’s loneliness, in a way.

Absolutely. There’s this one line: “It was a comfortable enough life, if a little sterile, perhaps even deprived. But deprivation implied once having had something to be deprived of, like Marcia’s breast, to give a practical example, and Letty had never really had anything much. Yet, she sometimes wondered, might not the experience of ‘not having’ be regarded as something with its own validity?” It’s at once tender and brutal and subtle. Classic Barbara Pym.

I love that line. I also found it really interesting that in this book and the others you’ve picked, the individuals in these friendships are themselves very, very much alone and often lonely. They live alone, or they’re single or older or somehow estranged.

Speaking of A Friend From England , do you want to tell us a little bit about Anita Brooker and her novels?

I feel like each book of Brookner’s is a continuation. She’s created this world with her novels. I haven’t read them all, but I’ve read several, and it’s like they’re part of a family. There’s very little dialogue and there’s a very rich texture to the prose. The prose itself is why I return to Brookner again and again. How to describe her prose? It’s sophisticated and a little musty. She’s known for writing about spinsters, or about women who are not in possession of the brass rings that maybe those around them have come to get. They’re outsiders, and often very curious observers.

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There’s something both calming and disturbing about her writing that brings me back over and over. And I love that she didn’t start writing novels until she was 53. I won’t call her a late bloomer, because up until then she had a full career as a historian of art. But she was a late adopter of a new métier, and she’s a master. She was a consistent writer, too; I think she wrote a book every year for much of her career. When she got older, she started slowing down—maybe one every two years. [ Laughs .] But really, she was on fire.

Why did you choose A Friend from England ?

I chose it because this book feels less lonely to me than the others of hers I’ve read. I also love this particular trope: a mismatch pairing of two women not naturally destined to be friends, and at different stations in life. One of them is a little more pitiful than the other, perhaps, and one of them is a little more glamorous. Other books like it include What Was She Thinking?: Notes on a Scandal by Zoe Heller, or The Woman Upstairs by Claire Messud.

A Friend From England is also more suspenseful and plotty than some of her books. It’s told from the point of view of a 32-year-old woman named Rachel, who’s essentially been chosen by 27-year-old Heather’s parents to be Heather’s friend and look after her and keep her company and make sure she’s okay. So there’s an obsession in this book with meddling concern. In a way, it’s crazy that Rachel and Heather have nothing in common. They have no past together. There’s no attraction. There’s no glue of a friendship. It’s simply this bond of duty—it’s a strange friendship where all the other elements are boiled away. That’s the focus: this attachment that’s based on a sense of obligation.

“How to describe Brookner’s prose? It’s sophisticated and a little musty.”

Really, it’s Rachel who’s trying to take hold of Heather’s life. She thinks she knows what’s right for Heather, and actually becomes a little untethered over the course of the novel. At the beginning, she’s very tolerant, maybe a little judgmental, and there’s a distance between the two of them in their companionship. By the end, we have Rachel travelling across the world to track down this woman and trying to shake her out of her life choices. The most amazing scene is at the end, where suddenly the distance between the two melts away and Rachel’s obsession with Heather is just thrown back in her own face. She sees herself completely differently, in a way that’s incredibly painful. There’s a lot in this book about knowledge, and not sharing knowledge. There aren’t very many characters, but there are definitely discrepancies among them about who knows what, and who has observed what about each other—all to varying degrees measuring the happiness of other people.

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In the end, the one person who has felt like she’s essentially drafted the shape of her own life is Rachel: she’s the outsider; she’s orphaned. She’s not part of this prosperous family where there’s always a sense of warmth, food and happiness surrounding them. She’s always circled around them, happy enough to get a taste of it when she comes to visit but resigned to being single. She’s not one of those women who becomes all atwitter about marriage or weddings; she holds men off at a distance. She’s engineered this life as a lonely woman, and there’s a sense of total self-deception, of explosion of self-awareness, at the very end that has absolutely nothing to do with Heather. And it boomerangs right back at our narrator’s self-consciousness.

At first, it feels like Rachel is so different from them; she’s fearlessly independent and principled about her loneliness.

She says at one point, “I had been softened and amused by the solemnity with which they had accepted all the farrago of romantic passion. For to me it was a farrago, both on the stage and in real life, something archaic and unmanageable, unsettling and devastating, and to succumb to such a passion would be a quite voluntary step towards self-destruction.”

Right. There and elsewhere, even if indirectly, her attitude seems like a withering critique of what we might think of as ordinary people: those cocooned by the emotional shells of community and supportive family—which could be painful for almost anyone to read. But by the end it seems to rebound in Rachel’s face, too. It’s just … grim.

Yes. Her worst possible path, or destiny, just flashes in her face. It almost feels like she just as suddenly shoots right to her death. Rachel feels throughout the book that she’s given herself space and liberty. She doesn’t have to put up with nonsense the way other people do, the nonsense of connection with other people. At the end, she’s essentially completely cut off from the family. But she’s not just back to being alone: she’s alone with her demons.

Do you hear a bit of Brookner in that? She was once quoted as saying “I have said that I am one of the loneliest women in London.”

In one sense, yes: she was the chain-smoking, cat-loving spinster. There’s obviously a reason people lump Brookner herself with the Brookner heroine. But my sense of Brookner is that she was more pleased in life, and that she was fascinated by the characters she wrote about.

In another quote, she says:

I am interested in people who live on their own, people who get left behind, who drop through the net, but who survive. They seem to me quite heroic characters sometimes, but no one inquires about them because they’re people who do without much conversation, whose loudest moments are internal. If such characters persist through my novels that’s because I don’t know much about them, not because I know them too well. I write to find out what makes them tick.

Speaking of admirable, your next choice is How To Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Jenny Odell. This is very different from your other selections. Why did you pick it?

Totally different. I chose it for a very autobiographical reason: a very good friend of mine put the book in my hands recently, and it was the greatest act of friendship. The book itself is a manifesto of how to be a good friend to yourself.

Odell writes about opening up to a new kind of experience: the experience being not having your nose pressed into your phone, and how fascinating the world around you is if you actually tap into it. As someone who’s constantly wired in—I do not want to tell you my screen-time hours; it’s terrible—the weird but fascinating thing about reading this book was the purifying element of it. Now I’m back on the internet, having read this book—and keeping it in mind—I find myself feeling less addled. I feel a little more zen, a little more grounded.

In a way, it’s an indictment against living on Twitter. She talks about Twitter being a very out-of-context ecosystem:

Compared to the algorithms that recommend friends to us based on instrumental qualities—things we like, things we’ve bought, friends in common—geographical proximity is different, placing us near people we have no “obvious” instrumental reason to care about.

On the internet, everyone is so isolated. There isn’t much nuanced connection, or a sense of a community coming together and figuring out how to solve a problem or enjoy themselves together. There’s a pervading alienation.

A bit like the Pym novel, it’s people observing each other’s loneliness.

Right. And she talks about the natural order of things: how people, especially after a disaster like an earthquake or something, are suddenly forced to scramble and help each other:

Not only did these neighbors organize and provide each other with food, water, shelter, medical aid, and moral support—often crossing social boundaries or upending norms in order to do so—but these local, flexible, and rhizomatic networks often got the job done better, or at least faster, than the more institutional aid that followed.

She’s talking about this democratic, criss-crossing world where there is no hierarchy; this deep, multi-connected world where things aren’t just essentially like Twitter—which, if you look at it, is a bit like blocks of different people basically yelling. Odell writes: “the platforms that we use to communicate with each other do not encourage listening. Instead they reward shouting and oversimple reaction: of having a ‘take’ after having read a single headline.” These people are not talking to each other, really—or rather, there’s no correlation among the different “takes” you’re seeing. As an internet addict, I go back and forth between to trying to be offline a bit more, but since reading How To Do Nothing I’m also just not feeling as wound up in it as I was.

“Odell writes about opening up to a new kind of experience: the experience being not having your nose pressed into your phone”

It’s also just incredibly smart: it’s a lot about conceptual art, philosophy, and activists in California. It’s a very interesting patchwork quilt of a book. It’s not a self-help book that shames people about the effects of the internet on our brains. Odell’s interests do not overlap with mine, and nevertheless I was fascinated to hear her tell me about, for example, the longshoremen in San Francisco in the 1920s and 30s and how their union, the International Longshoremen’s Association, was built up.

I don’t even know the name of the tree outside my building in Brooklyn, but Odell is really interested in looking at and classifying nature. Since reading it, I’ve stopped now and then outside my building and just tried the experiment of looking at a bunch of leaves sprouting out of it in the sidewalk. I’ll notice, say, a beautiful formation of ants moving around. I’ll stare at it for a little bit and think, ‘Life isn’t boring—you just have to get better at living it.’

I could definitely do with some of that.

Last, you picked a particular story, ‘Nettles’ in Alice Munro’s collection Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage . Tell us a bit about this story—it’s so unusual right from the off; the first page is in something like three different time-zones.

I feel like any Alice Munro story is a horrid story to boil down to an elevator pitch. It’s disorienting. I still don’t even know what the story is about, except I know that it’s about a woman who feels at home in the Alice Munro universe: she’s a writer, she’s a Canadian, she’s a mother, she’s sexually alive. She’s very connected to her past; there’s a modesty to her.

The reason why I thought it was an interesting choice for books about friendship is because even though the main meat of the story is to do with our narrator and men in her life, her friend Sunny comes in and out in little blips. Each blip is very intense—say, more intense than the narrator’s experiences with men: with the husband who she left, or even with Mike, the boy who as a man she reconnects with. ‘Nettles’ reveals how essential friendship is. Sunny is the bridge; it’s through visiting Sunny later in life that our narrator happens to be reconnected with this pivotal character from her past.

Munro’s description of how her and Sunny became friends very much resonated with me. It was during the time when they were both new mothers. Society expected them to be dopey and checked out, but in fact it was one of the most intense periods in their lives. They’d sit around together, discussing books, and art, and things that really meant something to them:

Our pregnancies had dovetailed nicely, so that we could manage with one set of maternity clothes. In my kitchen or in hers, once a week or so, distracted by our children and sometimes reeling for lack of sleep, we stoked ourselves up on strong coffee and cigarettes and launched out on a rampage of talk—about our marriages, our fights, our personal deficiencies, our interesting and discreditable motives, our foregone ambitions. During that time of life that is supposed to be a reproductive daze, with the woman’s mind all swamped by maternal juices, we were still compelled to discuss Simone de Beauvoir and Arthur Koestler and The Cocktail Party .

Our husbands were not in this frame of mind at all. When we tried to talk about such things with them they would say, “Oh, that’s just literature” or “You sound like Philosophy 101.”

Just in that single stroke, our character dismisses all men. She’s talking about the way that two women can come together and stay up at all hours, and really understand each other and feel each other. Then Sunny comes back, once our narrator decides to leave her first husband. I love Munro’s description of this moment, too:

Now we had both moved away from Vancouver. But Sunny had moved with her husband and her children and her furniture, in the normal way and for the usual reason—her husband had got another job. And I had moved for the newfangled reason that was approved of mightily but fleetingly and only in some special circles—leaving husband and house and all the things acquired during the marriage (except of course the children, who were to be parcelled about) in the hope of making a life that could be lived without hypocrisy or deprivation or shame.

That last sentence, in itself, is a novel. We don’t know the story of what happened in her marriage. What was the hypocrisy? Where was the shame? We don’t even know how long has passed between their initial bond and this moment. It’s like magic, what Alice Munro does.

It’s Sunny who our narrator seeks out. It’s through visiting Sunny that she sees what at first is a mystery to the reader. The first line of the story is: “In the summer of 1979, I walked into the kitchen of my friend Sunny’s house near Uxbridge, Ontario, and saw a man standing at the counter, making himself a ketchup sandwich.” We later find out who that man is, and he’s so significant.

There’s this one line at the very end of the story that’s so—I want to make the Italian chef’s kiss but I also want to cry. In the penultimate paragraph, she says, talking about Mike in this line, “I never asked Sunny for news of him, or got any, during all the years of our dwindling friendship.” So she kills this one relationship, this lifeline to her. Alluding to the death of a friendship is very provocative to me. It’s just fascinating that this platonic, wonderful, out-of-the-blue friendship is so closely intertwined with a passionate relationship that’s also carried on throughout most of our narrator’s life. Sunny is the portal to it, and she’s also the end (or the exit door).

To me, the story showed how much romantic or sexual relationships are energized by the mind’s subplots, internal fantasy or how we idealize others in our heads. With this friendship, how enduring and concrete and substantial it is, you start to wonder, is this an escape from that? Can people really know each other? Only for Munro to extinguish it in the end.

I know. Our narrator is so brave and so alone in the world. It breaks my heart, the idea that her relationship with Sunny, the one person with whom she feels understood and the person who she feels is a safe harbor, fades away.

One thing I found really relatable in your book about friendship was the experience of wondering, as years go on and people grow apart, whether someone’s generosity or hospitality towards you is out of genuine friendship or a sense of continued obligation.

Or control. You always wonder what the other person’s perception of what’s happening between the two of you is. I do think, especially in this triangle, there’s an element of care-taking and withholding, and striking that balance. There’s one quite needy friend at the beginning who does the unthinkable, something she’s been threatening to do for a decade that no one thought she’d actually carry out. At this point, people thought she was just going to die in her apartment because she’s so traumatized by something that happened a few years ago, and she hasn’t been able to move on. She announces at the beginning of the book, you know what, I’m going to come to New York, I’m ready to make it here, on the verge of 37.

This is what’s so disruptive to the other two women, and what brings them together. Originally, they were most distant in the triangle, but they converge out of a very mixed sense of generosity and caring. They’re also feeling a little put out by this new situation, because they don’t want to have a mess to clean up after. As the story progresses, there’s a new sense of horror, watching their expectations be proven totally wrong.

How long have you been writing this book? I’m just thinking it’s set in 2017.

That came in at the end, actually. It all kind of fell together and found a perfect place. As Trump was happening around me, I could tell how the flavor in the air had changed and I thought that was fascinating.

That’s interesting, because in many ways, My Year of Rest and Relaxation is a 9/11 novel—and that social context adds another layer of spectral doom to Moshfegh’s novel. Does the Trump presidency function in a similar way in How Could She?

I could see that. Our sense of borders was completely unstable. In New York a sense of frenzy set in; it almost became like a new social life—the new thing to go out to was, you know, the resistance party. It was this thing that brought people together. Sadly, that’s faded away. But that’s all anyone was talking about.

I was thinking the other day about how the Trump presidency and Brexit have changed the way my friendships operate. Maybe I’m imagining it, but an intense nihilism has crept in that wasn’t there before. A wild abandon that makes everything a little bit more extreme.

I think you’re right. Before, there was a sense of safety and complacency during the Obama presidency. And there was a sense of safety and complacency when it appeared clear that Hillary Clinton was going to be president. And suddenly, there was a sense that we were all delusional. Everyone who thought that what happened could never have happened. Nobody felt safe in their beliefs, and I think that led to this buzzed craziness that we’re all sharing together. It started right after the election with lots of people walking around like zombies, and hugging people who you never even used to say hello to but saw every morning. There were a lot of people brought together. And it continued. It was like one big end of times party.

“When people are all on a sinking ship together, they will act in very ugly ways”

There were a lot of get-togethers or fundraisers for things that maybe really weren’t going to change. We couldn’t turn back what had happened, but we were all brought out of our isolation. Maybe that is why or how on a very subliminal level the characters in the book end up acting a little out of character, and interacting with each other in a bolder way than they have been up until that point.

Everything’s upside down. And there’s a parallel of that in the industry in which they all work: media, which is also dying. Crazy things are happening. Suddenly podcasts are becoming the prime real estate in that world. I think there’s a sense that when people are all on a sinking ship together, they will act in very ugly ways.

Friendship when there’s no future.

June 24, 2019

Five Books aims to keep its book recommendations and interviews up to date. If you are the interviewee and would like to update your choice of books (or even just what you say about them) please email us at [email protected]

Lauren Mechling

Lauren Mechling has written for The New York Times , The Wall Street Journal , Slate, The New Yorker online, and Vogue , where she writes a regular book column. She's worked as a crime reporter and metro columnist for The New York Sun , a young adult novelist, and a features editor at The Wall Street Journal . Her debut novel for adults is  How Could She .  A graduate of Harvard College, she lives in Brooklyn with her husband and two children, and can be found on Twitter @laurenmechling .

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The 5-Day Friendship challenge

The Secret to Refreshing a Friendship

Today’s challenge: ‘Repot’ a relationship and connect with an old friend in a new way.

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By Catherine Pearson

This is Day 2 of the 5-Day Friendship Challenge. To start at the beginning, click here .

We’ve all got them: work friends, college buddies, playground dads. Whatever you call them, they’re the discrete groups of friends from different facets of our lives. Even our “weak ties” seem to exist only in certain settings, like the neighbors you nod at while walking the dog, or the barista who has memorized your coffee order.

But there is value in decompartmentalizing such friendships, said Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist and the author of “Platonic,” a book about making and keeping friends. Research has found that connecting in different settings or contexts can help bring friends closer, she added.

Friendship Challenge Day 2: ‘Repot’ a friendship.

“Repot” is a term coined by Ryan Hubbard, who heads up Hinterland, a social lab that has generated reports on friendship. And it’s simple: Think of friends you tend to interact with in one setting. Then invite them to join you for something else.

Ask a colleague you usually gossip with on Slack to sneak out to a matinee with you. Ask a friend you normally meet for dinner to join you for a walk through a museum. Or maybe raise the stakes a bit and invite a friend on an overnight trip — you really get to know someone once you’ve hung out together in your PJs, Dr. Franco said — or to try something totally new to you both. ( Clown cardio , anyone?)

Dr. Franco pointed to research showing that sharing unusual or extraordinary experiences can sometimes help bring people together. And researchers who study romantic love have long known that novelty can nourish relationships. But it’s not all about finding activities that are unconventional or adventurous.

You can repot a relationship by asking a friend for help, Dr. Franco said, or ask if that person wants to meet your family, something we do naturally all the time as kids. You can also “integrate” your friendships, inviting people who don’t know each other to meet up.

Whatever you settle on, your overarching goal should be to “challenge the norms” of your friendship, Dr. Franco said. If you feel unsure of whom to reach out to, she recommends simply asking yourself: Is there someone I would like to feel closer to in some way?

Repotting has risks. Your friend might screech at the idea of taking a beginner’s trapeze class with you, rather than meeting for your usual glass of wine. But the only way to know is to ask, Dr. Franco said. You might also discover that you don’t like spending time with your friend in another context, which can be valuable information as well, she added.

When it works, repotting can lead to a greater sense of ease and comfort with friends, Dr. Franco said, because you are each getting a more complete picture of the other person. “Every setting,” she said, “brings out a different side of us.”

Catherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships. More about Catherine Pearson

Five Books for People Who Really Love Books

These five titles focus on the many connections we can form with what we read.

My dad likes to fish, and he likes to read books about fishing. My mom is a birder; she reads about birds. There are plenty of books on both subjects, I’ve found, when browsing in a gift-giving mood. These presents don’t just prove I’m familiar with their interests. They’re a way to acknowledge that we read about our pastimes to affirm our identity: Fly-fishers are contemplative sorts who reflect on reflections; birders must cultivate stillness and attention. What we choose to read can be a way of saying: I am this kind of soul.

For my part, I like reading more than I like almost anything else. And so, in the manner of my parents, I like to read books about books . Writers who write about writing, readers who write about reading—these are people I instantly recognize as my kind. We’re people who are always in the middle of a chapter, who start conversations by asking, “What are you reading right now?” For us, a meta-book is like coffee brewed with more coffee. It’s extra-strength literature.

If you really love books, or you want to love them more, I have five recommendations. None of these are traditional literary criticism; they’re not dry or academic. They take all kinds of forms (essay, novel, memoir) and focus on the many connections we can form with what we read. Those relationships might be passionate, obsessive, even borderline inappropriate—and this is what makes the books so lovable. Finishing them will make you want to pick up an old favorite or add several more titles to your to-read list.

U and I , by Nicholson Baker

I can now say that I’ve been reading Baker for more than 20 years, or more than half my life. But I didn’t know that would happen when I found U and I in a college friend’s car, borrowed it, and never returned it. The subject, not the author, appealed to me then—I loved John Updike. And so did Baker, though love is probably not the right word. This book-length essay is not quite, or not merely, an appreciation of Updike; it’s a hilarious confessional “true story” of Baker’s anxieties, ambitions, competitive jealousy, and feelings of inadequacy in the face of Updike’s abundant body of work. It’s rich too, with wonderful observations on reading and writing in general, as in a passage considering how much more affecting a memoir becomes once the author is deceased: “The living are ‘just’ writing about their own lives; the dead are writing about their irretrievable lives , wow wow wow.”

A poem by John Updike: 'Half Moon, Small Cloud'

Dayswork , by Chris Bachelder and Jennifer Habel

I almost prefer to keep certain books on my to-read list forever, where they remain full of magical possibility and cannot disappoint me. Moby-Dick is one of them. What if, God forbid, I chance to read it at the wrong time or in the wrong place and it doesn’t change my life? So I turn to Dayswork instead, which feels like cheating—you get some of the experience of reading Moby-Dick without any of the risk. This very novel novel, written collaboratively by a novelist and a poet who happen to be married, is sort of a sneaky biography of Herman Melville, framed by a meta-narrative about a woman writing a book during lockdown. This narrator delivers a parade of delightful facts and quotes and anecdotes, which she’s been collecting on sticky notes. You could think of it also as a biography of Melville’s most famous novel, which has had its own life after his death and touched so many other lives. Dayswork is fragmentary, digressive, and completely absorbing.

Read: The endless depths of Moby-Dick symbolism

Written Lives , by Javier Marías, translated by Margaret Jull Costa

Marías is one of my favorite novelists, but I only recently encountered this work, a collection of short, dubiously nonfictional biographies in a very specific style. In the prologue, Marías explains that he had edited an anthology of stories by writers so obscure, he was forced to compose their biographical notes using odd, scanty evidence that made it all sound “invented.” It occurred to him that he could do the same thing for authors much more famous (Henry James, Thomas Mann, Djuna Barnes), treating “well-known literary figures as if they were fictional characters, which may well be how all writers, whether famous or obscure, would secretly like to be treated,” he explains. The result is marvelously irreverent, packed with unforgettable details (Rilke, supposedly, loved the letter y and used any excuse to write it) and endearing patterns (Marías would have us believe that many writers loathe Dostoyevsky). Written Lives immediately earned a spot on my shelf of most treasured objects, and every friend I’ve recommended it to has been equally enchanted.

Read: An introverted writer’s lament

Dear Friend, From My Life I Write to You in Your Life , by Yiyun Li

This sad and incredibly beautiful memoir from a writer best known for her fiction takes its title from a line in a notebook by the New Zealand author Katherine Mansfield. For Li, correspondence, diaries and journals, and literature in general are forms of consolation and companionship that make life worth living even in times of overwhelming despair. The memoir is a record of the reading experiences that saved Li from a dangerous depression. It made me want to dig more deeply into the work of all her favorite writers—Thomas Hardy, Ivan Turgenev, Elizabeth Bowen, William Trevor—because she describes them so warmly and affectionately, as if they were friends. Here, as in her novels, Li is philosophical, with a gift for startling aphorisms: “Harder to endure than fresh pain is pain that has already been endured,” she writes. And “One always knows how best to sabotage one’s own life,” or “What does not make sense is what matters.” Li’s work is so moving and so very wise.

Madness, Rack, and Honey , by Mary Ruefle

The American poet Mary Ruefle is one of those writers people like to call a “national treasure,” which always has to do with something beyond brilliance or talent, an additional spectacular charm that makes you wish you knew them in “real life.” This collection of lectures on poetry and topics adjacent to poetry (sentimentality, theme, the moon) is the perfect introduction to Ruefle’s particular charisma. She’s unabashedly devoted to poets and poems, but you don’t have to love poetry to fall in love with her voice. She’s plainspoken yet mysterious, always asking curious questions, about death and fear and secrets, and then answering herself with surprising authority. Ruefle is inclined toward quirky asides, but all roads lead back to books: “I offer my dinner guest, after dinner, the choice between regular and decaf coffee, when in fact I don’t have any decaf in the house,” she writes. “I am so sincere in my effort to be a good host that I lie; I think this probably happens all the time in poetry.” Ruefle offers a beautiful example of how a life filled with reading opens and alters the mind.

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