how can i get my son to do his homework

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Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...

How To Motivate Child To Do Homework (7 Practical Tips)

Kid is on almost every parent’s mind right now.

Getting kids to do homework is not always painful.

In fact, it can be outright fun!

In this article, I will share the secret on motivating your child to not only do homework but also love homework.

Yes, you read it right.

It is possible to love doing school work.

No yelling, screaming, threatening or crying required.

Table of Contents

Why Do Kids Hate Homework

Let’s start with kindergarteners.

For many children, kindergarten is their first formal experience in school.

Kindergarten has changed a lot over the last decade.

Once a place for socialization and play, kindergartens now emphasize the importance of learning to read, to count, to sit still and to listen to the teachers.

Going from playing all day at home to behaving or sitting still in a structured environment for hours at a time is a tough transition.

To add to that, many kindergartens also assign homework to these little children, further reducing their available play time.

It’s no wonder that some kindergarteners are not motivated to do homework.

Homework Motivation

Remember when your child was still a toddler, he/she would get into anything and everything?

They were curious and they were eager to learn about everything around them.

They were passionate learners .

Children naturally love learning, if we provide the right environment and motivate them appropriately.

Here’s the problem…

When you hear the word “motivate”, what do you think of it?

If you’re thinking about toys, money, iPad time, points, stickers, etc., you’re not alone.

Rewards (and sometimes punishments) are many parents’ go-to motivators.

Parents love them because they work almost instantly.

You present the prize and the child complies to get it. Problem solved.

Simple and effective.

But very soon, you will notice some unintended results.

Here is an example.

Some years ago, after a lecture, Professor Mark Lepper was approached by a couple who told him about a system of rewards they had set up for their son, which had produced much improved behavior at the dinner table. “He sits up straight and eats his peas and the Brussels sprouts and he is really very well behaved,” they reported. Until, that is, the first time the family dined at a nice restaurant. The child looked around, picked up a crystal glass from the table and asked, “How many points not to drop this?” A fine example, says Dr. Lepper, of the detrimental effects of over-reliance on rewards to shape children’s behavior. Mark Lepper: Intrinsic Motivation, Extrinsic Motivation and the Process of Learning By Christine VanDeVelde Luskin, Bing Nursery School at Stanford University

This example is far from rare.

In fact, it is very common when a child is motivated purely by an external reward.

Once the reward is removed, the child will no longer be interested in continuing the behavior.

What’s the right way to motivate children ?

The answer is intrinsic motivation.

Intrinsic motivation for kids refers to engaging in an activity for its pure enjoyment.

This enjoyment comes from within an individual and is a psychological satisfaction derived from performing the task, not from an extrinsic outcome.

In other words, to get your kid to do homework, first help them enjoy doing it .

It is not as crazy as it sounds.

It’s unfortunate that homework is called “work”.

We like to separate work from play.

So naturally, we feel that homework is drudgery.

But it doesn’t have to be.

Homework is a tool for children to learn and get familiar with the knowledge taught in class.

To enjoy homework, the child has to enjoy learning .

How To Motivate a Child To Do Homework

To motivate kids, we first change our mindset, from a working mindset to a learning mindset .

The goal of going to school is not about getting into college, finding a good job, earning a stable income, etc.

Of course, all of those are wonderful, but that’s a working mindset – you’re doing all that work for reasons other than enjoying the learning itself.

Going to school is about learning , acquiring knowledge, exploring new subjects and growing as a person.

In the US, the average expected years of schooling is 16.7 years.

If a child doesn’t like school, that will be 16.7 years of misery.

You don’t want that for your child.

But here’s the good news.

If you can intervene early, like in kindergarten or even before kindergarten, your child will be getting off to a good start.

So, convince yourself to change from the working mindset to the learning mindset.

It sounds abstract, but here are 7 tangible steps for moving toward that goal.

1. Stop referring to kid doing homework as your child’s “job”

When you call it a “job”, you are implying that it will be all work and no fun.

Doing that is setting up a child to feel bad even when it’s not.

2. Don’t tell your child, “you cannot play until you finish your homework”

Again, by putting homework in a category separate from play, you are saying that it cannot be enjoyable.

The importance of play cannot be overstated. So make it count.

Tell your child that they can do both (of course, only healthy physical play like basketball or biking, but not watching iPad).

They can decide the order of doing them as long as they do both by the end of the day.

You’d be surprised – giving a child autonomy over their homework schedule is one of the biggest motivators.

3. Don’t use “no homework” as rewards

I once heard that some teachers would give students with good behavior “no homework tonight” as a reward.

I was horrified.

Homework is for practicing what we’ve learned in school.

It helps us understand and remember better.

It’s not a punishment or torture that you need a “break” to feel better.

Don’t give your child the impression that homework is something you want to get away from.

4. Do not nag, bribe or force

Do not nag and do not force your kid to do homework, whether through rewards or punishment.

“But then, how to make kids do homework?” parents wonder.

Don’t make your child do homework. Period.

Forcing or bribing will only backfire and reduce your child’s intrinsic motivation.

The motivation to do homework needs to come from within the child themselves.

5. Let your child face the natural consequences

“But what to do when my child refuses to do homework?” many frustrated parents ask.

When your child refuses to do school work, let them… after you explain why doing homework is important for learning and what may happen in school if they don’t.

Walk them through the natural consequences for not doing homework – they won’t retain the information well and they will need to accept whatever natural consequences in school.

They will have to explain to the teacher why the homework was not done and they may lose some recess time, etc (but first confirm that the school doesn’t use corporal or other types of cruel punishment).

Wait… What?!

You think I should let my child fail?

Well, not doing homework in lower grades is not the end of your child’s academic career.

Think about this, you cannot force or bribe your child through college.

Help them understand the purpose of learning and doing homework now .

You’re helping them make the right decision by letting them understand and face the natural consequences sooner rather than later.

6. Do homework with your child

Don’t tell your kid that homework is important, show them through your action.

Do the homework with them.

You are telling your child you value this so much that you are willing to take the time to do it together. Besides, parental involvement is associated with better school performance.

7. Make doing homework fun and positive

There are many ways to make homework for kids fun.

Let’s take a look at two methods I’ve used and the results.

You can try them or invent your own.

Method 1: Use doing homework as a “reward” (younger kids like kindergarteners)

Wait, you said that using rewards wasn’t good a moment ago.

Now you say, “use homework as a reward”?

Well, I said rewards were bad because you would be implying the activity you’re trying to motivate your child to do was not as good as the reward.

But here, I am using homework as a reward.

I am signaling to my child that doing homework is so good that she needs to “earn it”.

How to earn it?

You can try different things.

We used “If you behave, you can do homework with me. If you don’t behave, you can’t do homework.”

We started at preschool and it worked very well.

Parents who have tried this report good results in motivating their children to do homework, too.

But some of them have concerns…

Some parents are uncomfortable with this idea because it feels manipulative.

That’s because these parents do not believe in the idea that homework can be fun.

So they feel like they’re lying to the child.

But I genuinely like homework! (Yes, I’m officially a nerd)

So I have no problem helping my child learn to love homework like me.

If you are not convinced yourself, you may not want to try this method.

Or if your child is older and already hates homework, it won’t work.

However, although I don’t agree with using manipulative measures in general, I don’t see this particular one harmful to children even if the parents do not like homework themselves.

Method 2: Turn doing homework into a game and a bonding activity

When my daughter was in preschool, I bought colorful homework books and we did them together.

Sometimes we took turns – she did one problem and I did the next and so on.

Sometimes we raced to see who would finish the page faster.

Sometimes I did them wrong intentionally so that my daughter could point out the wrong answers.

It was actually very empowering and satisfying for her to be able to catch Mom’s mistakes!

We celebrated when we both finished or got the right answers.

It was a lot of fun and my kid enjoyed doing that so much.

By the time she started kindergarten, she already loved homework.

In kindergarten, I couldn’t do her homework because, well, that’s her homework.

So I bought homework books that were similar to the ones she brought from school. Then, I did problems alongside her as she did hers.

We still raced, celebrated, and had fun doing it.

The result?

At the beginning of her kindergarten year, my daughter was given two homework books to take home.

The teacher would assign homework from the books every week.

They were supposed to be used for the entire school year.

But my kindergartener liked doing homework so much that she finished it all in one month!

No yelling, screaming, threatening, or crying is required.

Final Word On Motivating Your Kid To Do Homework

Getting your kid to do homework is only the first step in building a good learning habit.

Finishing homework or getting good grades is not the purpose of going to school.

Instill the love of learning in your child early on and your child will benefit for life.

• 1. Ginsburg KR. The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds. PEDIATRICS . Published online January 1, 2007:182-191. doi:https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2006-2697
• 2. Lepper MR, Greene D. Turning play into work: Effects of adult surveillance and extrinsic rewards on children’s intrinsic motivation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . Published online 1975:479-486. doi:https://doi.org/10.1037/h0076484
• 3. Nye C, Turner H, Schwartz J. Approaches to Parent Involvement for Improving the Academic Performance of Elementary School Age Children. Campbell Systematic Reviews . Published online 2006:1-49. doi:https://doi.org/10.4073/csr.2006.4

Disclaimer: The content of this article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for medical concerns.

Ten Homework Motivation Strategies for Children and Teens

Use these 10 strategies to end the homework wars..

Posted September 6, 2015 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

When it comes to homework, parents get burnt out hearing these hollow and suspicious words: "I did it at school," "They didn't give homework today," "It hardly counts for my grade," "My teacher never looks at my homework anyway," "That assignment was optional." As parents, hearing these words is enough to drive you crazy.

As I write in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child , parents must not let their emotions get the best of them when their kids are not getting homework done. The strategies below are for helping your child or teen get unstuck:

• Nix the nagging! Pestering creates an adversarial, shaming dynamic that backfires. Instead, try my Calm, Firm, and Non-Controlling approach. Gently empower your child or teen by supportively saying, "I see that you are frustrated. Let's think of ways to help you get back on track with your homework/schoolwork."
• Encourage effort over perfection. Be mindful that kids tend to get intimidated when they have a hard time understanding material. They may get into negative self-talk like, "I can't do this." Even if they're truly thinking this way, parents may instead hear comments like, "I hate this." or "This is stupid." Remind your child or teen that doing his best effort is better than not doing it at all.
• Prioritize. Coach and encourage that the order that homework is done based on urgency, complexity, and workload. At the same time, realize that some students do better by starting with easier tasks and that this can help spark them to tackle more demanding assignments.
• Break it down. Reinforce breaking up homework time into manageable chunks and encourage taking regular breaks. Encourage moving around and walking away for a bit. Remind that an apple really does provide the same effect, and is healthier than an energy drink.
• Think "15 minutes of pain." Have the student set a timer for only 15 minutes. Keep it lighthearted and explain that even if it "hurts" doing the work, she can stop after 15 minutes. Like most things in life, once we push ourselves and get going, it's not so bad.
• Don't be consequence ravenous. Imposing consequences for homework not being done can backfire with defiant behavior. If you use consequences, don't present them with yelling. Keep them reasonable and ask the student to help you be able to move towards rewards (don't go overboard) and minimize consequences. Remember that real, natural consequences are the best motivators.
• Encourage connection. Encourage the student to make or re-establish a connection with his teacher. I have seen hundreds of kids "shoot themselves in the foot" with incomplete homework if they don't have a decent relationship with their teacher.
• Change up the homework/study surroundings. Try putting an inspirational poster by the desk, moving to a different room, or silencing the cell phone. New changes can create more changes.
• Use those study halls. Encourage the use of them as much as possible. Some kids lose sight of that more done at school, means less to do at home.
• Allow for some fun. Notice if your student is racing through the homework just to have fun. Fun time like, TV, phone time, or surfing the web, is welcome, but make sure you put limits on it.

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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The Homework Struggle: How to Encourage Kids to Do Homework

• September 21, 2017

Most parents have been there—the nightly homework struggle.

Students rarely look forward to completing their homework assignments after the last school bell has rung for the day. However, homework is part of being a student—and one that has an impact on future academic performance. This makes it important to figure out how to encourage kids to do their homework without a nightly quarrel.

The Importance of Homework

Homework supplements the education that children are getting in the classroom. Its role is to increase comprehension and give students the chance to study, practice, and understand the material. This type of “outside-the-classroom” thinking can help increase the development of positive study habits, improve cognition and memory, and encourage time management.

So, why the resistance?

Students often have trouble seeing the value in homework. After all, they just spent an entire day in school, so why should they sacrifice their valuable free time to do more work? Other factors, from attention and motivation issues to poor time management and organizational skills can also lead to students having trouble completing their homework.

How to motivate kids to do homework

Students who don’t do their homework or continually battle with their parents about it often experience higher levels of stress. This stress can lead to a lack of motivation both inside and outside of the classroom, causing them to fall behind. It’s important for parents to take an active role in making sure students complete their homework so their performance doesn’t suffer.

How can you make homework time a smoother process? Rather than making your child do homework, focus on how you can make homework more a more enjoyable experience for your child. Don’t worry—it’s easier than it sounds!

Follow these tips on how encourage good homework habits in your child.

Create structure

Creating a schedule your child can follow makes it easier to get him or her to sit down and complete homework assignments. Set a time and create a special study space for homework to be completed, making it part of the child’s nightly routine.

Give kids a break after school

Don’t force your child to do homework as soon as he or she gets home. Let him or her have some time after school to give his or her mind a break before starting homework. This break can help improve motivation and focus when it is time for your child to do his or her homework.

Provide motivation

Show encouragement and appreciation of your child’s hard work when he or she has completed his or her homework. Something as small as a high five or words of praise can boost your child’s motivation. You can also offer small rewards, like a trip to the store or a special treat.

Lead by example

While you child does his or her homework, don’t engage in other preferred activities, such as watching TV. Read a book, do some research, or scratch a chore off your to-do list.

Talk about the benefits

Rather than yelling, have a calm discussion with your child about why homework is important. Fighting with your child will increase stress and frustration, leaving him or her unable and unwilling to focus on homework.

No More Homework Arguments!

By encouraging—rather than forcing—your child to complete his or her homework, you can help your child become a more organized, proactive student. This will save you a lot of arguments down the line, letting your child use his or her energy to reach his or her potential rather than avoiding homework.

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How to Help Kids With Homework

Helping your child with their homework is an opportunity to connect with them and improve their chances of academic success. As a parent, you can reinforce concepts taught in the classroom and nurture good study habits . Helping with homework shows your child that you believe their education is important.

What Is the Best Way I Can Help My Child With Homework?

You don’t need to be a certified teacher or an expert in a subject in order to help with homework. You can help by developing your child's time management skills, introducing strategies to stay organized, and offering words of encouragement. 

Here are some homework tips for parents:

• Know their teacher . Attending parent-teacher conferences, getting involved in school events, and knowing how to get in touch with your child’s teacher can help you better understand homework expectations.
• Family study time.  Set aside time every day for homework. Some kids do best by jumping into homework right after school, while others need a break and will be better focused after dinner. 
• Set a good example. Family study time gives you the opportunity to model studious behavior. Demonstrate the importance of organization and diligence by paying bills or planning your family’s budget during this shared time. Reading while your child completes their homework instills the idea that learning is a lifelong and enjoyable pursuit. Your example will be far more impactful than your lectures.
• Designate a homework space.  Having a designated space for homework can help your child stay on task. It should be well lit and have extra school supplies within reach.
• Help with time management.  If your student has a lot of homework, encourage them to break the workload into smaller and more manageable tasks. Create a schedule for the evening to ensure they get through their long to-do list , including opportunities for breaks.
• Don’t do the homework for them.  Helping your child with homework isn’t the same as doing your child’s homework. You can make suggestions, but your child must do the work for meaningful learning to take place. Have patience, allow them to struggle a little, and resist the urge to simply give them the answers.

How Do I Help a Child Struggling With Homework?

Struggling through challenges is an important part of learning. Research shows that something called “productive struggle” is essential to learning new concepts. Too much struggle, however, can be demoralizing and counterproductive. So where's the line drawn between productive struggling and counterproductive struggling? You know your child better than anyone, so trust your instincts and step in before your student becomes overwhelmed.  

Consider these tips if your child's struggling with homework:

• If your child's already stressed out or frustrated, start with taking a break.
• Engage your child in a conversation so you can understand where they're stuck 
• Offer hints or guidance to help them move forward
• Resist the urge to do their homework or give them the answers
• As soon as your child understands how to resolve the issue, step back and let them continue without your direct assistance
• Avoid stressful cramming and last-minute panic by helping your student plan ahead for tests and long-term assignments.
• Offer your child encouragement and praise them for their perseverance.
• Work on your own paperwork or read nearby as your child completes their homework to help them stay on task.
• Reach out to the teacher if additional assistance is needed and remind your child to ask questions at school when they're confused

Should I Help My Child With Math Homework?

Math is taught differently now than it was twenty or thirty years ago. The Common Core Standards are used in 41 states, and most other states follow the same principles even if they don’t call them the Common Core. Instead of memorizing specific ways to solve math problems, students today are asked to solve problems in several different ways and explain the strategy they used. 

For many parents, their child’s math homework seems complicated and confusing. The goal of this newer method, however, is a deeper understanding of mathematics. Just because you learned math in a different way doesn’t mean you can’t help with math homework. 

• Focus on non-academic help . You can help your student by offering encouragement, tracking assignments, and helping with time management. Create a distraction-free time and place for them to focus on their math homework. 
• Learn how it’s taught. Understand how math is taught at your child’s school. Some school districts offer parents a math night or online resources to help them better understand the way math is taught at schools.
• Reach out to the teacher. Ask the teacher for insight on how you can support your student at home. They might point you towards resources that align with their curriculum or offer additional help to your student at school.

At What Age Do You Stop Helping With Homework?

Some research has shown that the connection between student achievement and parental involvement in schoolwork is strongest in the elementary years but declines in middle school. By the time your child enters middle school, parents helping with homework can do more harm than good. At this stage, parental help with homework is associated with lower student achievement.

While you should be helping a lot less with homework, middle school isn't the time to retreat from your child's education. Non-homework forms of parent involvement are strongly associated with higher academic achievement. There are many ways you can support your middle schooler’s success. 

• Monitor assignments and test scores
• Attend school events
• Participate in parent-teacher conferences
• Ask questions about classes and what your child is learning
• Continue to encourage a regular study time and place at home

Ideally, you laid the groundwork in the elementary years and good study habits are well established by middle school. While your child will outgrow the need for your direct homework assistance, they'll never outgrow the need for your support and encouragement. 

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Nudge, Don’t Nag: 9 Ways to Motivate Your Child to Do Well

Nine ways to get your child with adhd to the starting line — and to finally cross over the finish line of assignments, goals, and day-to-day tasks..

“She could do it if she only tried” or “He’s just lazy.” How often have you heard people say this about your child, or thought it yourself? Your child seems capable, yet getting him to do assignments or homework is like having to move mountains.

Attention deficit disorder ( ADHD or ADD ) has been called a disorder of motivation . Some experts believe that ADHD affects motivation more than attention.

The reason children and teens with ADHD have difficulty getting started and completing tasks is neurologically based. ADHD usually involves executive function deficits — not being able to organize one’s thoughts or getting started, for example. In addition, those with ADHD have lower dopamine levels than their neurotypical peers. Dopamine allows us to regulate emotional responses and take action to achieve specific rewards. It’s responsible for feelings of pleasure and reward. With ADHD , dopamine is not transmitted efficiently, so a child doesn’t have the motivation to complete tasks.

What can you as a parent do to motivate your child to start assignments, finish homework, and just get stuff done? Here are some simple solutions that have worked for me, as a mom and a teacher:

• Monitor your child’s medication. Medication for ADHD improves neurotransmitter function. Check in with your child’s doctor to be sure the dosage is optimal. Also make sure that the medication is active during times when she needs it for homework and other schoolwork.
• Elevate your child to a decision-maker. We are less motivated when someone else tells us what to do. No one likes to be nagged to start a chore or an assignment. Giving your child a sense of control will encourage him to start and finish a task. Ask your child how long she thinks a task will take, and have her compare the actual time with her prediction. Encourage her to come up with solutions for getting started sooner.

[ Free Webinar Replay: Tips and Tools to Help Your Child Start — and Finish — Homework ]

• Set goals. Research shows that setting goals makes it more likely that they will be achieved. Have your child create a “vision board” at the beginning of the school year. She can cut out pictures from magazines or print photos from websites, and make a collage showing where she wants to go and what she wants to be at the end of that grade or beyond. Ask her to write down one specific observable goal that relates to that vision. The goal should be time-limited—like read 10 pages in a book in one week. Agree on a time for her to report on her progress, so you don’t have to nag her.
• Use “if… then.” There are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. We all want our children with ADHD to do something because they are interested in doing it, not just to earn a reward. But until they internalize the pleasure of accomplishment, students with ADHD may get more done with external motivation — namely, rewards. Research has shown that giving material rewards works best with short-term activities, not long-term achievements. Instead of rewarding your child for a good report card, reward him for completing assignments due the next day.
• Make it into a game. Have your child choose his favorite tune, and ask him to practice all of his spelling words before the tune is over.
• Connect uninteresting activities to areas of interest. When my son was in third grade, his teacher told me, “He’s just not interested in learning!” I had observed him since birth and knew that the little boy who tamed butterflies was curious and loved to learn. The subject needed to be interesting to him. If your child is interested in baseball, relate math to sports activities, such as calculating a batting average. If he likes cooking, show him how to use fractions to measure ingredients for a favorite recipe.

[ Free Resource: Transform Your Teen’s Apathy Into Engagement ]

• Keep him moving. Allow your child to stand while working. Punctuate school assignments or other quiet tasks with short movement activities, such as yoga poses or “musical chairs.”
• Be realistic. When your child experiences success, he will want to repeat that experience. Determine how much your child can complete in a given time, and ask him to take that on. When my son was a young teen, I had a list of chores for him to complete that never seemed to get done. I nagged him. Finally, I took a close look at what he could realistically get done. We talked things over and he chose one chore he was willing to do — the laundry. Apparently, that held more intrinsic interest to him than taking out the garbage. Once we determined how often the laundry needed to be done, he took charge. I still had to wash the dishes and take out the trash, but he finally experienced a sense of accomplishment from doing his own laundry, and that translated into future success in school.
• Praise effort over ability. Studies show that students do best when they believe that improvement is due to putting in lots of effort rather than to fixed intelligence or innate ability. When a parent praises a child for doing a task, she is underscoring a child’s control over the task.

SHARI GENT, M.S., NCED, works at Mind Matters Educational Therapy and is an educational therapist in private practice in Fremont, California. You can reach Shari here.

[ How to Motivate (Not De-Moralize) a Student with ADHD ]

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How to Get Your Kids to Do Their Homework

Last Updated: May 10, 2023 References

This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Latorre . Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 466,036 times.

Parents around the world would love the magic formula to encourage kids to do their homework. Alas, it's not as simple as waving a wand, but there are some methods for encouraging your kids to develop and stick to a regular homework routine. For some parents, effective encouragement will also be about changing your own approach to homework enforcement. Don't worry, it's not hard, it's just about taking a moment to work it through. Create a homework space and schedule, establish clear expectations, rewards, and consequences, and approach homework positively.

Creating a Homework Space and Schedule

• For example, if your kids do their homework at the dinner table, unpack the box to give them access to their supplies when it’s time to do homework. Pack up the box and move it off the table when they’re finished.

• Allow your kids to have a say in creating the schedule. If they feel like their opinions have been heard and considered, they’re more likely to stick to the plan.
• Agree on homework-free times, such as Friday nights or one weekend day, and allow them to plan how they use this free time.

Establishing Expectations, Rewards, and Consequences

• Occasional rewards for a special project done really well can be a great boost but regular material rewards are best avoided.
• When your child does their homework, tell them that you are really proud of them for being organized, timely, proactive, etc. It is important to define the exact reason why you are proud so that they know what to keep up.

• Keep your message simple, reminding your kids what you have agreed upon together when discussing how they'd approach homework and expressing both disappointment and a hope to see things return to normal the next day.

• For example, if your child forgets their homework or books at school, don’t spend hours tracking down a maintenance worker to let you into the building so you can retrieve their forgotten items. If they can find a way to get them, great, and if not, they’ll have to suffer the consequences.

• Naturally, if you have a child with learning or other disabilities, you may need to adjust this hands-off approach. Don't be afraid to seek support from professional people skilled in your child's particular disability; they may be able to provide you with additional strategies.

Approaching Homework Positively

• You should still keep a positive attitude toward homework. Don’t agree with your kid when they say, “Homework sucks. I wish I didn’t have to do it.” Instead, reply with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but once you finish your homework you can invite a friend over.”

• For example, if your child wants to be a marine biologist, tell them that they’ll need good grades in school to get into a college where they can earn a degree in biology, zoology, or ecology.
• For example, tell your would-be actor that they won’t be able to memorize their lines if they’re not a stellar reader. Encourage them to read and memorize parts of their textbook for practice.

Altering Your Own Involvement

Expert Q&A

• When the teacher asks that you have a part in your child's homework, do it! Working with your child's teacher will show your child that authority figures at school and home or on the same team. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
• Encourage professional presentation and neatness. If they're producing messy homework, try to catch them in the process and encourage a neater effort. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• Keep up to date with your child's school life. Talk with their teacher regularly to ensure you know the purpose of your child's assignments and understand the rules in class. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

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• ↑ https://sparksofgenius.wordpress.com/2007/05/14/train-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-arguing/
• ↑ http://sparksofgenius.wordpress.com/2007/05/14/train-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-arguing/
• ↑ https://fosteringperspectives.org/fp_vol1no1/articles_vol1no1/ignoring_effective_way.htm
• ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-homework-battle-how-to-get-children-to-do-homework/
• ↑ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/08/100819173846.htm
• ↑ http://www2.ed.gov/parents/academic/involve/homework/part_pg2.html#2

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A Fine Parent

A Life Skills Blog Exclusively For Parents

9 Simple Tips for Teaching Kids How to Focus on Homework

by Cate Scolnik . (This article is part of the Positive Parenting FAQ series. Get free article updates here .)

Five minutes into my daughter starting it, she’s asked 4 irrelevant questions and walked across the room twice – for no reason .

She had a break when she first got in from school, and had a snack. Then we agreed to a little outside time before starting homework.

She’s got the book open and a pencil in her hand, but that’s the sum total of her achievement so far.

Her mind doesn’t seem to want to sit still – preferring to bounce all around the place. It’s like her mind is a magnet, and when it’s put near homework, it repels away from it.

When she was 5, I thought she would grow out of it; but at 8 years old I was beginning to worry.

As someone who likes to get in and get things done, it drives me nuts .

Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter dearly. But the way she gets distracted every 5 minutes during homework time is enough to make anyone go crazy.

She’s highly intelligent, has loads of positive energy and is warm and engaging. She can focus long and hard on anything she is interested in. But getting her to focus on homework she isn’t keen on? Damn near impossible.

I just couldn’t sustain parenting positively unless I got this under control. I wanted to take some action.

At one point when her distraction was driving me nuts, I had started to wonder if I should get her tested for attention deficit disorder (ADD). My research on this topic led me to discover some behavioral techniques used with ADD kids, that are also applicable to any child having difficulty focusing.

I decided to try them for teaching my daughter how to focus on homework. Some worked better than others but overall it has been a great success. Here are the ones that worked for us –

#1 Keep It Short

When it came to doing homework, we kept it short and broke it down. Generally, that meant one ten-minute stint a day, instead of one 30-40 minute block each week.

Each time she wandered off task (mentally or physically), I would gently guide her back to the homework.

I kept the focus light and pointed out the fun parts of her work. And I bit down hard on my tongue every time I felt like screaming “If you just stuck to the task and focused you could be done already!”

#2 Use A Timer

So, if I estimated a task could be completed in about 2 minutes, I’d set the timer for 5 minutes. Each time she started chatting about something, I’d say something like “I hope you beat the timer!” or “Don’t forget – you want to beat the timer!”

#3 Wear Them Out

My daughter has loads of physical energy, so I made sure she got lots of exercise . Even now she needs to do lots of running around, or physical activity to wear her out a bit.

I’m not talking about making her run a marathon every day. Just encouraging and supporting her to move her body.

I worked with her natural rhythms as much as possible. I realized she had more energy in the afternoon, so we often went on outings in the morning.

If she’d been to school for the day and we were going to spend a few minutes on homework, I’d encourage her to go and jump her jiggles out on the trampoline before we sat down to focus.

#4 Kept It Positive

I focused on her positive outcomes as much as possible. Whenever she breezed through an activity I would give her positive feedback .

“Look how quickly you finished writing out your words! You stayed focused and you finished that in no time. Well done!”

We’d always start homework early and allow extra time to get things done, so I had to be organized and plan ahead. This meant I could sometimes say, “Wow! You finished your homework the day before it’s due. Great effort!”

If we’d been working on a homework task for a long time and she was just getting less and less focused, I’d call a stop to it. When a five-minute task is only half done after 25 minutes, and there’s no momentum, there really isn’t any point continuing.

This is a tricky one, and I didn’t use it often. She’s a bright girl and she knew she hadn’t finished what she set out to do that day. But if we kept trying and getting nowhere, we would both become very frustrated and dejected – no good ever comes out of that.

So, I’d suggest we leave it for now and come back to the task when we were fresher. This way she wasn’t failing, it just wasn’t the right time.

#6 Eat More Fish

Crazy as it might sound, eating more fish or taking fish oil supplements , is apparently helpful.

Now, I’m not a nutritionist and I understand that the fish oil theory is unproven. But there seems to be research to support the fact that fish oil high in EPA (rather than DHA) can help improve focus.

I figured it was something that couldn’t hurt, so I did it. It seemed to me that each time her fish oil consumption dipped, she became less focused.

I’ve no real evidence to support that – it may just be in my head. 😉

#7 Encourage Self-Management

The Tools of the Mind program produces brighter children who are classified as gifted more often, but more importantly, it also produces kids with better behavior, greater focus and control.

Classes involve role play and each child creates their own detailed plan of their part. If a child gets off track, the teacher refers them back to their plan.

One of the ways the program helps is through encouraging planning and time management by setting weekly goals. This helps to wire up the part of the brain responsible for maintaining concentration and setting goals.

The Tools of the Mind philosophy is that every child can become a successful learner, with the right support. Children learn by using the skills they currently have – such as drawing and play. They think through their play plan, then draw a detailed record of it, then carry it out.

Using their skills in this way teaches children to set achievable goals, work out how to reach them, and stay on track. They learn they can be responsible for their own outcomes. We’ve been using this to teach my daughter self-management .

#8 Work Together

My daughter is nearly eleven now and has matured a lot over the last year. And I’ve just started using self-management techniques to help her set goals and plan how she’ll achieve them.

Earlier this year she said she really wanted to improve her grades, which I said was a great goal. Then she said she wanted to be involved in band, which means taking some band lessons in class time.

I asked her to plan how she intended to achieve both goals, given she has other extra-curricular activities she wants to keep up.

She created a plan to practice her instrument regularly and do more homework than she has previously. We’re at week 7 of our school year here in Australia, and so far she’s on track.

She dives into homework without being reminded and gets it done early. She’s also completing homework tasks to a higher standard, rather than madly (and messily) rushing through them .

Since starting band she’s been practicing twice a day, every day – without being asked. I know that if she loses momentum, or strays off track, I can direct her back to her own plan.

#9 Understand The Scale

We all have different strengths and weaknesses. And attention and focus can vary wildly, particularly in the early years.

It partly depends on the environment, and partly the child.

Try and take the pressure off, and work with your child’s strengths.

Break tasks down and keep them fun.

Aim for a balance between physical and mental focus, and remember it’s OK to give up if the timing isn’t right.

Have realistic expectations, and know that your child’s focus will improve with age.

Don’t be scared to quit when things really are not working. Not doing a perfect job on the homework once in a while is not the end of the world. If it comes to a choice between quitting for the moment or screaming and yelling at your kids through the task, choose love and call it quits.

And finally, hang in there. It’s all going to be OK.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

Take a moment to consider your child’s behavior.

• How does it compare to other children? Either their siblings or a number of other kids of a similar age? (Try to compare them with a range of other kids – rather than one or two)
• Does your child seem to have age-appropriate behavior and focus? If you’re concerned, do you need to seek help?
• How can you start breaking down big tasks into manageable (snack-sized) sections?
• Is your child able to focus on things they like doing? Can you use that in your favor?
• Are your kids distracted by things that could be controlled?
• What strategies can you put in place to keep your kids focus?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

• Brainstorm some roles that you can use to elicit certain behavior. If you need your child to be quiet and still for a few minutes, what can they pretend to be? A King or Queen on a throne? A soldier on guard? Good posture during homework is a good idea, but if the only way to get your child to do it without a fuss is to let them pretend to sit on a throne or stand at attention, go for it!
• Think back over the things that your child struggles to focus on. How can you get them to use self-management techniques to improve?
• If it seems impossible to get your child to focus and pay attention ask yourself this: “If it were possible, how would it be achieved?” Make some notes.
• Take a moment to check out why Tools of the Mind works so well and think about how you might use their strategies at home.

About Cate Scolnik

Cate is on a mission to help parents stop yelling and create families that listen to each other. She does this while imperfectly parenting two boisterous girls of her own and learning from her mistakes. Download her free Cheat Sheet to Get Your Kids from "No" to "Yes" in Three Simple Steps and reduce your yelling today.

May 16, 2016 at 6:21 am

This is a great article and there is some mention of it but I feel it has to be emphasized- that no homework should ever trump connection with your child. If homework struggles are causing you to butt heads time to re-think! Your child needs you in their side ALWAYS, there have long difficult days in School where social interactions and the system challenge their resources all day long. The need to come home to an ally. Here in Canada we are seeing tons of research that shows that homework before high school produces little increase in assessment scores – I imagine education philosophy will move toward reducing or almost eliminating primary homework! So don’t sacrifice your living connected relationship at home iver homework

May 16, 2016 at 2:35 pm

Totally agree with you on the point that “no homework should ever trump connection with your child”, Kim.

I’ve read some of the research about homework, but I’m not entirely convinced. To me, even if homework does little to increase assessment scores, it builds the habit and discipline of getting things done on your own outside the classroom… So IMO there is some merit to it. The question for me is more of how to teach our kids to focus and build this habit in a kind and gentle manner without butting heads…

May 16, 2016 at 11:29 pm

You’re right that we shouldn’t let homework damage relationships. I’m fortunate that our school has homework as an optional thing, but we do opt in. Like Sumitha, I think it’s more about getting a routine established.

Thanks for your comment. 😉

May 10, 2017 at 3:50 pm

Agree with #Cate. I asked school to increase the home work for my daughter to help her develop the habit of focus, responsibility, self – discipline and also prepare them for high school where they should not get shocked with the name of home work thinking it as a monster.

Apart from this, these tips are life saving and work word by word. Thank you so much for sharing and I liked these so much that I shared the page with my facebook friends.

May 16, 2016 at 1:35 pm

My child’s PRE-SCHOOL had homework. It was age-appropriate (“Color the baby chicks yellow”) but surprise, surprise–my daughter didn’t want to do it. She wanted to run around the playground and then jump on the sofa. I mentioned this to another parent (of a typically developing child) and she said, “Oh, we don’t do the homework. It’s not developmentally appropriate at this age.” Boy, did my life improve when I followed her advice and ignored the homework! I told the school, nicely, that I got home from work too late in the evening to do homework. And that was the end of it! Now, in elementary school, we don’t do the homework every night. It is BORING (math worksheets) and turns her off to everything related to school!

May 16, 2016 at 2:42 pm

Wendy, homework in preschool is probably pushing it too much… but as kids grow older, I do believe there is some merit to homework in terms of building habits and discipline of doing things on your own outside the classroom and being accountable for something that is assigned to you.

I personally feel that telling kids you don’t have to do something because it is boring sends the wrong message (listening to any grownup is boring for a kid… so if they can skip doing homework because it is boring, why not also skip listening to what grownups tell them?) To me, building the habits of accountability and sticking to a task even if it is sometimes boring and learning tricks to focus even when you sometimes don’t want to are important life skills… Homework is one of the ways to do this, and I would rather look for kind and gentle ways to do this than give up on homework entirely.

June 29, 2024 at 8:25 pm

I teach at a local nursery in order to have something to do. In addition I give them two tasks each week. For example a upcoming task will involve pumpkins. They recently as a entire preschool class painted a picture of a sunflower. They are little so I do the research for them instead. In the past we have focused on music, gardening and cooking. Best wishes. Planning a October visit to a pumpkin patch.

We also once did baking. From time to time we study animals and learn about other people. If it is hot we either do gardening or ride child friendly bikes. Recently we have gone on picnics and tried tennis. Each task has a theme. Drawing is fun.

Considering a museum trip and so on. In terms of future tasks, I’m planning one that is wholly based on Halloween. I’ve also got a idea for Christmas. Other activities include pond dipping and farm outings. Yet more such fun activities in consideration will involve poster design and card making. I’m keen on easy sports like table tennis. I believe that they have a sports day. Have a nice day.

Last week I decided on a whim to try sand art and water play. I also want to teach them to cook. Two weeks before we rode bikes and assisted in the garden at the nursery. Once or twice a day we do singing and reading in question. I’m also keen on classic board games and stencilling. I want to try out new activities like pottery and face painting. We do a lot of reading. I love origami.

Bingo wouldn’t fail either. They have never played simple games like Monopoly Deal or Scrabble. Additionally I love the idea of introducing them to other classic games. We have previously tried creative writing and poetry. I really do like to focus on basic skill development as far as possible. This includes story telling and independence building. For example making friends and being healthy.

Snap is cool. So is making fresh lemonade and the like. I’ve never tried either activity. I love to play UNO. Coding is hard work. One day in the near future I’m organising a class trip to a library and a zoo. In the past I’ve shown them how to use a shape sorter toy and puppets. We use the puppets to tell a simple story. And we have a sensory room.

May 16, 2016 at 7:49 pm

I don’t believe in most homework and glad it’s not generally a part of Montessori. At my kids’ school they don’t start handing out homework until 4th grade, and even then it’s a packet they have all week to complete so they can choose their own pace for finishing it. I like that no homework leaves time for other things like piano and violin and volleyball and Latin, not to mention the chance for my kids to help me cook, etc. When my oldest got to the adolescent program and we started to struggle with homework, we realized in her case the best approach was to back off and leave her to fail or succeed on her own. I think for many children there is much more value in unstructured time to play and explore. They have to be disciplined at school all day. I don’t see why they have to extend that into home time. I love watching my kids come up with their own projects which are often far more interesting than anything a teacher would send home as an assignment. Most homework is busy work. Life is too short for that.

May 16, 2016 at 9:20 pm

If the homework was long and unending, I would likely agree with you (at least to a certain extent ;)), Korinthia. Fortunately, my daughter’s home work assignments usually take just 10 – 15 minutes which she actually finishes up in school. It is busy work, but it reinforces the facts that she has learnt that day in school. Her teacher’s take is that it helps her gauge if the kids are grasping what they learn, and lets her know if she should repeat any concepts or slow down the pace etc. I love that idea of using homework (and tests) as a feedback loop. Her school also specifically tells parent not to get involved unless the child asks for clarifications. This also helps the homework serve as a mini-token of responsibility and self-management… which is all good in my book.

I love how every time this discussion comes up, we come at it from such opposite perspectives 🙂

May 16, 2016 at 10:14 pm

I think one of the trickiest things in parenting is realizing people can do the opposite of what you do and still not be wrong. We’re all so vulnerable in this area that people get defensive fast! I love that you are so thoughtful with every response, and that there is more than one way to be right. And I keep coming back here because I feel it’s a safe place to voice a different perspective without people taking it as a challenge to their own parenting decisions. That’s a rare and wonderful thing and you should be proud of this site. (For that and many reasons!)

May 16, 2016 at 10:23 pm

Thanks, Korinthia. I needed to hear that today (for a reason unrelated to this site and the comments here). And of course I lapped up the compliments about the site too. I never tire of that 🙂

And you stretch my thinking more than anyone I know and I learnt a lot about writing responses from studying your responses… so thanks right back at ya!

May 16, 2016 at 11:35 pm

Hi Korintha,

You’re right that we can use homework as a valuable learning experience. For years my older daughter (now 11) has ‘hoped’ for straight As, but hasn’t achieved them. She’s getting better for years she did the bare minimum with homework, and did it rather … messily too! While I don’t push her too much, I do make the point that A grades are the result of hard work. They’re achievable for anyone who puts in the effort – including her. But getting As means you’ve done the best you possible can, almost all the time.

It doesn’t stop her hoping every time her report comes home, but she knows she can set goals and strive to meet them (they’re just usually in non-academic areas!).

Anyway, your point about homework being a mutli-faceted learning opportunity is a great one. 😉

May 17, 2016 at 7:27 am

Grades are a weird measure of things, though, because they aren’t universal. Does getting an A mean it’s the best you as an individual can do, even if it’s not great? Does getting an A mean there is some objective level of excellence that few people can reach? Does getting an A mean the grade was on a curve and you are simply the best in this particular crowd? A’s on a single report card can mean all of those things or none of them.

I remember in college I was upset one semester because my perfect 4.0 was marred by a B in tennis which I was simply taking for fun. I felt I should get an A for showing up and doing my best every time. Apparently the teacher had a different measure. And how do you grade music (which was my major)? One person can play every note perfectly and leave you feeling cold with their performance, and another can make mistakes but be electrifying. In orchestra it was pure participation–you started with an A and every class you missed you went down one letter grade. The A says nothing about if you did well or even improved. (You could get worse and still get an A.) When I was in 6th grade I used to alternate between A’s and failing grades in reading based on if I handed in the book reports. Those grades said nothing about my reading ability.

Grades do say something, but I’m skeptical about what. And every time I get worried about grades I remember my grandma telling me that nobody ever asked her her GPA once she graduated. No one has ever asked me mine, either. People only care what I can actually do, and that I try to prove every day, and that’s what I tell my kids to aim for. They may or may not get the grades they deserve to reflect that, but they need to mentally grade themselves to stay honest.

May 20, 2016 at 8:19 pm

Your points are spot on, as always. Grades are an arbitrary measure.

I think it’s far more important that my daughter is satisfied that she’s done her best, and that she’s proud of her efforts. Having said that, I do think it’s useful to learn that you can set goals and strive towards them.

Arbitrary or not, we spend most of our lives being assessed. Either at school or university or in the workplace. It’s usually one person’s opinion of certain traits or activities, and it’s often arbitrary.

Whilst I’ve certainly been the victim of a manager who’s had their own agenda – and rated me accordingly – I think that’s the exception. I also think it’s important that my kids feel that they have some control over the assessment. If they put in greater time and effort, they will usually get greater results.

It’s important to know that grades and assessments are only one person’s opinion and that they may be flawed. That is, we need to keep it in perspective. But given we’ll have these assessments throughout our lives, we need to learn to feel we have some control over them and we need to learn how to handle them. How to digest them, how to cope with them, and how to use them too.

It’s a complicated, complex, multi-faceted issue! And I certainly appreciate your perspective. Thanks for commenting 😉

June 29, 2024 at 8:44 pm

I played table tennis once a week in order to keep fit. I also had to assist with the gardening and cooking. At only five years old I had to learn five new simple numbers and words each week. At Christmas we went to a local church. There were many family beach picnics. Best wishes. My parents loved to recite four line poems each night at bedtime.

As a entire family we played table tennis early on a Saturday afternoon once a week. I was expected to know first aid and learn how to fix a broken down car. Once a year we grew a pumpkin at home. On the warm beach we sang and read storybooks. And we went on Sunday nature walks. I even did the food shop and mastered the rather basic one times table in addition. I learnt how to cook, prepare a hot cocoa plus make the beds.

On a weekly trip to a farm shop at a nearby garden centre I had to count up or down in fives. I had a short numbered list of things to buy. I had to teach myself to play the guitar and how to use a camera. That was fun.

At home I washed the car and babysat at church. Other activities and skills included washing up and making bookmarks. On family days out we soaked up the sun on a cycling trip or a walk. We did woodland walks. I learned how to prepare a entire tray of scones and tasty biscuits. I also discovered how to make cakes and identify the trees and flowers.

May 17, 2016 at 4:28 pm

Thanks for this article! We are in our last week of kindergarten homework before the summer hits. That first sentence! So funny and spot on. Like “where are you going sit back down!” I find my self saying frequently. My son gets a packet of homework on Monday that he has to complete and turn in by Friday. I like the idea of using the timer! I’m not sure about play before homework.. I see the need for a break. My issue is that after eating and a play break its already so late then he’s not focused because he’s just getting tired. Also other than getting a 5 year old to focus on homework is doing the homework correctly. He will speed through it sometimes brag about how many pages he completed but he sometimes just writes down whatever to make it look like its complete! This has been driving me crazy, I have to erase so much! I’m trying to find the balance between getting him to work independently and me sitting there for every question. They do homework time in after school too and this is also when he makes it look like he’s doing homework and sometimes just draws pictures on the back of his homework pages. I think the amount of homework for kindergarten is a bit much, but I don’t think that not doing it is an option. I want to encourage him and be proud of him for completing his homework and also try to only let him play on the tablet after the whole packet is done… which also kinda leads to him speeding through it. Ugh and this is just year ONE! OMG!

May 18, 2016 at 3:57 am

Hi Amber, You’re right – you need to find what works for you. And if your kids are in after school care, it’s a bit too late to get them to concentrate when you get home. When I get my kids home it’s nearly 6pm, and there’s no way I can get them to focus on homework.

I’m lucky that I have two days a week where I don’t work late, so they are our ‘homework days’. The other option for us is to do a few minutes in the morning, before school, when the girls are fresh. Of course, this depends on what mornings look like in your house.

You say you want to be proud of him, but it’s also important that he’s proud of himself. That’s why I often ask my girls if they’re proud of their homework. It’s a great technique to get them to reflect on their efforts. 🙂

January 23, 2018 at 9:41 pm

Thanks for the tips for getting kids to do homework better. My son struggles with math, and he never wants to do his homework. I really like your idea to set a timer. That way, he knows exactly how long he needs to work before he can take a break to play. We will definitely give this a try.

April 7, 2018 at 9:49 am

Yes!! I totally agree with Korinthia! I have 5 kids from high school to a 2 yr. Old and it frustrates us as a family when we cannot take a walk, go out and play, or do any sports or extracurricular activity or even help with dinner because they have so much homework! How can kids get their 60 min. Of physical activity or eat healthier or spend time with family if we barely have time to eat a rushed meal to do homework? Including on weekends and vacation!

July 16, 2018 at 6:07 am

Homework is one word that makes every school child – and many parents – cringe. Follow these handy tips, and soon, homework related tension will become a thing of the past. https://www.parentcircle.com/article/exclusive-tips-to-make-homework-easy-for-your-child/

August 8, 2018 at 3:21 am

Awesome post!!! Homework is very important for students to get great results in academic. It is also essential to complete your homework on time. Thanks for sharing this information.

September 4, 2018 at 12:25 am

Good tips and very informative. Homework is a very important thing to get good grades n academic. Today, Focus on Homework is very essential. So, Students must do homework on time.

June 24, 2019 at 6:52 pm

October 15, 2019 at 7:55 am

It’s really useful tips for many parents and their kids. I think that right focus on homework is an important part to stay productive for a whole year in school.

January 7, 2020 at 11:13 am

Learning to focus is extremely important especially with the distractions that surrounds us in today’s world. Your article has been tremendously helpful and I am grateful so Thank you for sharing .

September 30, 2020 at 5:13 am

Nice!! I agree with the fine parent/this website.I tried all of them and almost all of them worked.Keep it up.👍👌👋

January 14, 2022 at 6:55 am

Nice tips, I’ll be sure to remember them. So I can try them out when I become a parent. Or I could just tell some parents around me.

May 27, 2024 at 7:54 am

Thank you for such great tips and ideas. I even enjoy and get inspired from reading the comments! I will be passing this article on to my friends with kids! It is definitely a life saver!

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When Your Child Has Too Much Homework

• How Much Time Is Ideal?
• Time Management
• Set Up a Homework Corner
• Have a Homework Routine

Are you concerned about the amount of time your child spends on homework each evening? Perhaps you feel like your child is spending a lot of time on their homework, and they are not getting anything out of it.

If your child is overwhelmed by homework, you can help them by examining their habits to find the source of homework trouble. Once you have identified the root of the problem , you can guide your child to a solution.

1) Find Out How Much Time Your Child Should Be Spending on Homework

While there are no set rules on exactly how much homework a child should have, there are some guidelines to help you decide if the amount of homework is too much or just right. 

The most common guideline is the 10-minute rule, which states that a child should have about ten minutes of homework per night for each grade they are in.

With this rule, a first-grader would average 10 minutes of homework, a second grader would have 20 minutes per night, and so on.

The 10-minute rule is recommended by the National PTA and the National Educators Association. Keep in mind that it is a guideline—some high school classes and advanced work classes may have more homework than the general guideline.

Often, teachers will send home a letter explaining their homework policy in the first weeks of school. This policy will often include more personalized guidelines, including how much time homework should take each evening.

2) Check How Well Your Child Uses Their Homework Time

If you realize your child is spending more time on their homework than expected, you will need to do some troubleshooting to solve the problem. Is your child or teen sitting with their homework out, yet they are doing something else, like texting friends or watching a TV program. Check to make sure they are focused on their work during the time they are working.

You want to check this first hand.

Your child or teen may simply not be aware of how distractions can impact their homework time.

If you find your child is not focused on homework, use the following suggestions to help them stay focused during homework time.

3) Make Sure Your Child Has a Homework Corner at Home

Your child or teen will benefit from having a specific place where they can work on their homework. The area should be someplace that is comfortable to work, allows for an age-appropriate amount of parental supervision, and access to any needed supplies or resources.

Completing homework in a specific place will help reinforce habits.   Your child will get used to doing their work in that specific spot.

4 ) Have a Regular Homework Routine to Prevent Procrastination

Sometimes, school-age children will put off doing larger homework assignments rather than trying to complete them a few days before they are due. Rather than spending 10 to 20 minutes for several evenings on the large assignment, they will have to spend hours to get the work done.

Having a regular homework set time in their daily schedule will give them the time to work on their assignments on most days. Tweens and teens will need to make sure they keep track of the different due dates in their different subjects.

Work Straight Through or Take Breaks?  

Remember that 10-minute rule stated earlier? That rule would lead to an eighth-grade student doing 1 hour and 20 minutes of homework each night. High school students can expect even more time on homework.

If your child needs a break and tries to push through, they often find it difficult to maintain focus. They may be seated at the table, but their work will slow down or stop altogether.

Some children and teens are able to sit down and work straight through until their daily homework is completed. Others may find they need to take a short break every 40 minutes.

Some children or teens may also experience a condition that affects their ability to focus for long periods of time. Examples include ADHD, depression , and anxiety .

Children and teens who struggle with focusing for long periods of time will need to keep their abilities in mind when they plan to do their work. They may benefit from a distraction-free area, splitting homework time between before and after school or another creative arrangement that accounts for their needs.

5) Check for Reasons You Need to Follow up With the Teacher

Sometimes homework overload is not something that can be solved only at home.

Your child does not know how to do the assignment. If your child or teen does not know how to do the work, they may take a very long time trying to complete it. Sit down with your child and watch them try to do their work. Do they understand the directions for the assignment? Are they missing skills they need to complete the work?

If it is the first time your child has struggled to understand how to do the homework, encourage your child to discuss the problems with the teacher in the next class session. If your elementary or middle school child is starting to fall into a pattern of struggling with work, you will want to be included in the conversation over the struggle with the material. If your child is in high school, use your knowledge of your teen to decide if they should handle it completely on their own.

You want to let the teacher know quickly if your child cannot do the homework so that the teacher can help address any gaps in knowledge early.

Nationwide schools are adopting rigorous curricula that build from grade to grade. Missing a skill in one grade level can lead to missing building blocks for following years.

Fortunately, teachers can find ways to address gaps in learning. The earlier a teacher is aware of a gap, the faster the gap can be addressed before it becomes a larger gap in learning.

Your child takes an excessive amount of time to complete their homework. Perhaps your child does sit down every evening in a distraction-free area and focuses on their school work, only an assignment that should 10 minutes actually takes 40 minutes. Your child might be working hard and know what to do, but they are very slow, especially compared to other kids in their class.

This may be caused by a learning disability . Children with dyslexia may struggle to learn to read and then read very slowly.   Children with dyscalculia, a disability in math , may take an exceptionally long time to complete work involving numbers, estimation, and math.   Fortunately, there are teaching and learning methods that can help children with these issues once they have been diagnosed.

Your child has multiple assignments due at the same time. This is a situation that you may only expect in high school when you know your teen will have several different subjects and teachers, each with their own calendar of assignments. Teachers may assign a large project with a due date right before or after a break, believing it would be convenient for everyone to have it due. Sometimes school calendars have other days, like the midpoint in a quarter, that seems ideal to have work due.

It's often the convenience of certain dates in the schedule that can cause multiple assignments to be due in middle school. Children in elementary school who see different teachers throughout the day in an effort to individualize to skill level may be surprised to find themselves caught with too much work due at the same time.

Ideally, teachers will plan out large assignments far in advance of the due date so that even if multiple subjects require work to be turned in on the same day, children can plan ahead and work slowly. Sometimes, this doesn't happen.

Teachers are often somewhat isolated from one another in schools, each working in their own classrooms, so teachers may not even know that they are assigning work that will all be due at the same time.

If your child has a truly unreasonable amount of work due at once, talk with the teachers involved. Some schools have set policies limiting the number of large tests or projects that can be due on a single day. Even if your child's school does not have a specific policy, teachers may be able to change due dates or come up with a plan that will allow your child to get the work done without being overwhelmed.

A Final Word From Verywell

Learning to get homework done regularly can help your child develop a growth mindset, where they know that their hard work will lead them to learn and opportunity. Finding ways to overcome difficult periods in school will also help your child or teen learn that they can find ways to meet challenges and be successful in school.

National Education Association. Research spotlight on homework. NEA reviews of the research on best practices in education .

Xu J. Why Do Students Have Difficulties Completing Homework? The Need for Homework Management . J Educ Train Stud . 2013;1(1):98-105. doi:10.11114/jets.v1i1.78

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Other Concerns and Conditions With ADHD .

Hulme C, Snowling MJ. Reading disorders and dyslexia . Curr Opin Pediatr . 2016;28(6):731-735. doi:10.1097/MOP.0000000000000411

Kaufmann L, Mazzocco MM, Dowker A, et al. Dyscalculia from a developmental and differential perspective .  Front Psychol . 2013;4:516. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00516

By Lisa Linnell-Olsen Lisa Linnell-Olsen has worked as a support staff educator, and is well-versed in issues of education policy and parenting issues.

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How to Get Your Teen to Do Their Damn Homework

Raising teenagers is tough. They’re still dependent on you for their everyday needs, but they also have a mind of their own—so while you can nudge them in certain directions, there is only so much you can do if they refuse to do something. When it comes to schoolwork, you can tell them about the importance of working hard and set an example of fulfilling obligations, but if they’re refusing to study or do their homework, your options are limited. Of course, you can take away their phone or ground them from seeing their friends, but there’s a chance they’ll still dig in their heels (while ruining your relationship in the process). If a teenager is refusing to do their homework, what can you do?

There’s usually an underlying reason  

Generally speaking, most kids—teenagers included—want to do well. However, if there’s something interfering (say, confusion about the instructions, difficulties with the subject, or an issue with their ability to focus), then it can lead to a situation where they feel it’s easier to just refuse to do it rather than admit that they’re struggling. As parents, it’s our job to try and figure out what is really going on, even if all you are getting from them are monosyllabic answers and eye-rolls.

“We have to get curious, as adults, to figure out what is underneath,” said Elaine Taylor-Klaus, founder of the organization Impact Parents and author of the book The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety, and More. What looks like refusal on the surface might be a teenager shutting down because they’re being asked to do something that feels too big, difficult, or impossible to the point that refusing to do the work, even with the associated consequences, seems like the easier option. “Ambiguity can really shut our kids down,” Taylor-Klaus said.

This can be especially true if they’ve been made to feel ashamed or uncomfortable for asking help in the past, whether it’s from seeing their classmates do the task with ease, a teacher who hasn’t been particularly helpful, or parents who are too far removed from the work to remember how difficult it can be. This can also be true is a teenager is a perfectionist, as not doing something may feel less terrifying than doing something wrong. “Not doing homework is a symptom,” Taylor-Klaus said. “We want to figure out what it is a symptom of.”

If your teenager is having extreme difficulties with math or reading, or struggling to stay focused or organized in spite of their best intentions, then it’s a good idea to talk with their pediatrician to see if they need to be evaluated for dyscalculia , dyslexia ,  ADHD , or other treatable disorders. If the issues are due to an underlying disorder, diagnosis and treatment will offer strategies that can help support their specific needs, while also providing some much-needed context for their struggles.

Teen independence comes in four stages  

By the time your child reaches their teenage years, they’re getting to a point when it’s time for them to be assuming responsibility for getting their work done. As Taylor-Klaus often advises parents, this process of gradually becoming independent has four phases: Phase 1 is director mode, when the parents hold the agenda; Phase 2 is collaborator mode, when parents and kids work together to problem-solve; Phase 3 is supporter mode, when kids come up with the solutions to problems while parents offer support; and Phase 4 is cheerleader mode, when parents are on the sidelines cheering their kids on.

As Taylor-Klaus notes, a parent-teenager relationship often switches back and forth between collaborator mode and supporter mode, depending on how much support they might need for a particular task. “We want to problem solve with them, to help set them up for success, and to be part of their own solution,” Taylor-Klaus said. “Our tendency as parents is to just throw a solution at them.”

If your teenager is struggling with getting their schoolwork done, helping them may either require collaborating to identify what the issues are and how to solve them, or supporting them by offering to lend assistance to whatever solution they’ve identified. This could be in the form of figuring out an organizational system that helps them stay on track, getting them extra tutoring to help with a subject they’re struggling with, or checking in with them regularly on what their progress is looking like and offering whatever support they might need. The important part is making sure that they are actively involved in their own success. “They need to feel ownership,” Taylor-Klaus said.

AWARD-WINNING BLOG

How do i motivate my child to turn in homework.

Motivation for things like homework can be hard for complex kids. How do you motivate your child to turn in homework?

Does your kid do their homework and then neglect to turn it in? Does that make you frustrated, but your child doesn’t seem to care? Here are some thoughts on helping kids turn in homework. It starts with a question about whether it’s even important to you.

Elaine: All right, so we have a question that we want to read to you from a mom who says, "How do I motivate my inattentive kid to do homework ?" But then she goes on to say, "Personally, I don't believe in homework. My kid spends six hours at school, gets home after 4 p.m., and then faces three to four hours of homework a day, so there's no down time, no time to spend with friends, or even just relax."

Diane: It's hard when our values are questioned –

Elaine: ...or are out of sync with what's expected.

Diane: Part of this is about understanding what your child really wants, and so it may be that your child's in line with you, and says, "I really don't want to do homework either." Or your child might be, "My gosh, I really want to get it done." A lot of our kids are focused on pleasing , and doing really well, and so that's the first thing, is to just check in and make sure you're in the same groove that your child is, on this.

The second piece of it is to know that you really do have choices in the matter, and it doesn't always feel like that, because one of the choices probably feels pretty stinky. But this is taking me back to the decision I made to let my son fail band class in 7th grade. It was a lot of work for him to fill out all those little things that said he practiced, and he actually practiced, but he was failing because he wasn't actually turning in his stuff. So we made the choice. I think that that's part of it, is just reflecting on what choices you do have, and being conscious about that.

Elaine: What I would add to that is bringing your kid into that conversation like we did. My son was in an exam period, and was really struggling with a paper that he didn't like the topic , he didn't like the book, he didn't like anything, and he was really having a hard time. I finally looked at him, and I said, "So what if you don't write it?" And he paused, and processed it, and figured it out, and then he came back and he said, "No, I'd lose two grades, too many grades – It's not worth it." But then when he went to finish the paper, he had a different motivation . It was his decision to do it, instead of just something he had to do, and that made a huge difference.

Bottom Line: At the end of the day, whether our kids do their homework, or choose to turn it in, is about how invested they are, and how reasonable it is. Start by getting clear on the real challenge before you focus on the goal of turning in homework.

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6 Tips to Teach Children to Do Their Homework on Their Own

Ask the Expert: How can I get my son to do his homework?

Q It is a constant battle to get my nine-year-old son to do his homework. On the advice of the school he was assessed last year and was found to have "traits" of attention deficit disorder (ADHD) but not the full diagnosis. He finds it particularly hard to sit down and apply himself to his homework and would rather do other things such as sport and being out and about which he loves. He is a bright fellow and I worry that he is underperforming.

We are constantly fighting over getting homework done and sometimes it takes hours. It means that I am not spending time with the other children and when we have a "bad" homework day, it can ruin the atmosphere for the whole evening. Otherwise he is a kind helpful boy. He is happiest when we are on holidays and he is not in school. I am worried about his future. What can I do? I don't want him to miss out.

A At the bottom of the “homework battle” between parents and children are usually well-intentioned parents determined to help their child reach his/her full potential in conflict with a child who may be unmotivated or struggling with formal learning.

Once this battle becomes a frequent occurrence, it is generally counter-productive and can makes matter worse. Children frequently dig their heels in and refuse to learn, parents become frustrated and even family life can be negatively impacted.

Even if you do manage to “coerce” an extra bit of homework out of them, it can be done with great cost to the parent-child relationship and does not really increase the child’s learning and may actually reduce their overall motivation to learn.

Once you find yourself caught in a battle of wills, it is very important to pause and take a step back to understand what is going on between you and your son so you can adapt your approach accordingly.

His homework will be successful only if it is a largely positive experience which helps him learn so you need to think of a different way to help him. Support

his attention In assessment he has been diagnosed with specific attention problems.

This should provide you with clues as to how to organise his homework and learning.

Go back to the psychologist or other professional who made the diagnosis and ask for information on how to structure homework to help him.

Many children with attention problems benefit from more experiential learning and, when engaging in formal homework, benefit from frequent breaks and the task being broken into manageable steps, perhaps with a visual schedule to keep them on track.

Creating a relaxing, distraction-free homework environment can be particularly helpful. Tune into what works for your son. While TV or screens are usually unhelpful, some children find it easier to study with background music playing.

Make contact with ADHD support organisations for more ideas (eg hadd.ie).

Work closely with his school Ask for a meeting with the teacher and the principal to discuss your son's learning needs and work with them about creating a specific plan to maximise your son's learning.

They should be able to give you guidance on homework and share with you strategies that they find helpful in the classroom. In addition, the more you know about the specifics of the goals for your son’s learning, the easier it will be to help him at home.

Agree a homework routine with your son Sit down with your son and plan the ideal homework routine with him. Generally, this might involve a brief break once he comes in (for a chat and a snack), before starting his homework for an agreed minimum time (30-45 minutes each day), to be followed by a rewarding activity of his choice (for example, TV time).

With extra-curricular activities and family commitments over the course of a week, it can be hard to have a fixed homework time.

In those situations it can be useful to develop a weekly family routine where a daily homework slot as well as rewarding activities are scheduled clearly. Where possible, the ideal is always to have homework happen earlier on in the evening and for a rewarding and relaxing activity to follow it.

Have a daily homework review with your son It is a good idea to help your son plan his homework each day before he starts, to be there to check in periodically with him as he does it and to review it when he has finished.

Be careful not to “do it for him” and your role is largely to praise his efforts and to help him focus – “Well done on doing that bit, what is the next step now?” Have a ritual at the end of homework of reviewing what he has done and what he has learnt.

Combine this with signing his homework journal and writing a note for his teacher on his progress.

It can also be helpful to set up a reward system with him whereby he gets points for completing his homework each day which he can convert into tangible treats at the end of the day (such as extra pocket money, choosing a favourite meal, and so on).

Ideally, let him self-evaluate his efforts and award himself between one and five points depending on how much work he has done and how much effort he has put in.

Encourage other activities that he loves It is important to continue to encourage other healthy activities that your son does, particularly those which emphasise his strengths and where he is successful.

For example, if he is good at sports, continue to support this (and do not make it dependent on homework completion) but also look for other areas he can be successful in, whether this is crafts, music, chess or joining the scouts or doing voluntary work.

Your goal in the long term is make sure he grows up with solid self-esteem and confidence. While he might be able to make some progress in his academic work, it may not be his forte in the long term and you want to make sure he discovers his niche in life wherever that might be.

Dr John Sharry is a social worker and founder of the Parents Plus Charity. His book, Positive Parenting , is available from Veritas. solutiontalk.ie

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Homeroom: I Can’t Keep Prodding My Son to Do His Work

How do I know that he’ll be able to work independently when he gets to college?

Editor’s Note: Every Tuesday, Abby Freireich and Brian Platzer take questions from readers about their kids’ education. Have one? Email them at [email protected].

Dear Abby and Brian,

My son, whom I’ll refer to as “Sean,” is heading off to college next fall (if, God willing, colleges are open), and I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t think he knows how to organize his work or complete assignments on his own. He’s a decent student, but for as long as I can remember, he’s been handing in assignments late, or asking for extensions, or staying up until the early hours of the morning to complete them. And the truth is that, with the possible exception of a term paper or tricky new math concept, his work in high school hasn’t been particularly difficult! I’ve been the one to push and prod him along, and now that he’s likely going to be on his own next year, I’m starting to get scared that he’ll flunk out when he doesn’t have my guidance. For his sake and mine, I don’t want to be involved in the day-to-day of his schoolwork when he’s 19 years old.

Nancy Columbus, Ohio

Dear Nancy,

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Sean is fortunate to have a parent who is present enough to help him through school but who understands the benefits—for you both—of his being autonomous when college starts. A student’s transition from high school to college provokes a variety of emotions in every member of the family: nostalgia, terror, and, hopefully, plenty of excitement. But in this moment of transition, we agree that now is the time for Sean to gain academic independence. The key is to replace your pushing and prodding with a system of routines and checklists that Sean can use to stay on top of his work. Routines and checklists might not be able to parent, but with them, Sean won’t need you anymore—at least, not for completing his schoolwork.

Before we lay out some strategies for short- and long-term assignments, a word about executive function—that is, the suite of skills that help us focus, plan our work, and exert self-control. Repetition and routine are crucial for building these skills. So every time Sean sits down to do his homework, he should try to repeat the same series of steps: figuring out what he needs to do, when it needs to be done by, and then doing it in a deliberate order.

Read: How can I get my child to finish her work?

Sean should start his evening by looking over the assignments that he must complete, and then begin with the task he dreads the most. This is counterintuitive, but it will ensure that he completes the hardest work when he has the most energy and focus. That way, he won’t find himself at midnight with most of his reading done, but none of his essay written.

Sean should then try to estimate how long he thinks each assignment will take, and develop a schedule accordingly. Even if his estimates are off, the process of thinking through timing will allow him to make the evening ahead less intimidating, helping him internalize when to take breaks or transition to the next assignment. (Certain supplies will help Sean in this process. We recommend folders and notebooks for organizing his work, and a physical planner or online calendar that he makes a habit of consulting.)

For long-term assignments such as major papers, developing a schedule is even more important. Sean can make sure that he hands them in on time by breaking them down into manageable pieces. Understanding how to split these bigger assignments into small parts is necessary, because if Sean procrastinates on them, his work will pile up and make it more likely that you’ll feel the need to step in. So Sean should note in his calendar not only a due date, but also each step of the assignment that he’ll need to complete. For example, if he has a big English essay due in two weeks, his list of tasks might look something like this:

• Start formulating a thesis and gathering quotes from the text.
• Write the body paragraphs.
• Write the intro and conclusion paragraphs.
• Check the essay one more time, and hand it in.

He can then put self-set deadlines next to each task, and add them to his calendar. You two can implement the system together over the first few weeks, but after that, Sean should take the lead. Once he gets in the rhythm of planning out assignments, try to remove yourself from the process. We know that this is the hardest part, but Sean probably doesn’t want you to be involved any more than you do.

As luck would have it, these final few months of high school are a great time to put into practice the habits that will get Sean through college and the rest of his life. Spring-semester seniors tend to have more latitude academically, which will help Sean ease into these routines. These skills will be all the more necessary in college, where major assignments are more labor-intensive, and students’ schedules are less structured, so building them now is crucial. And with an organizational framework internalized, Sean will have taken an essential first step toward independence as he sets foot on campus without you by his side.

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7 Ways to Stop the Parent-Child Power Struggle Over Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Do you find yourself in full-on homework battles most nights of the week? It’s no surprise that most children and teens will dig in their heels when it comes to doing schoolwork. Think of it this way: How many kids want to do something that isn’t particularly exciting or pleasant? Most would prefer to be playing video games, riding their bikes or driving around with friends, especially after a long day of school and activities.

As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under her control.

The underlying truth here is that you and your child might already be caught in a power struggle over this. Like most parents, you probably want your children to do well and be responsible. Maybe you worry about your child’s future. After all, doing homework and chores are your child’s prime responsibilities, right? Let’s face it, it’s easy to get anxious when your kids are not doing what they’re supposed to be doing—and when you know how important doing schoolwork is. And when you believe you are ultimately responsible for the choices your child makes (and many of us do, consciously and unconsciously), the ante is upped and the tug of war begins.

Nagging, Lecturing and Yelling—But Nothing Changes?

If you’re in the habit of threatening, lecturing, questioning your child, nagging or even screaming at them “do the work!” (and trust me, we’ve all been there), you probably feel like you’re doing whatever it takes to get your kids on track. But when you’re in your child’s head, there’s no room for him to think for himself. And unfortunately, the more anxious you are, the more you’ll hold on in an attempt to control him and push him toward the task at hand. What happens then? Your child will resist by pushing back. That’s when the power struggle ensues. Your child, in essence, is saying, “I own my own life—stay out!” Now the battle for autonomy is getting played out around homework and chores, and exactly what you feared and hoped to avoid gets created.

This is very aggravating for parents to say the least. Many of us get trapped into thinking we are responsible for our child’s choices in life. As long as you believe you are accountable (or to blame) for your child’s outcome, you are under their control. This is because you will need your child to make those good choices—do the work—so you will feel that you’re doing a good job. Your child’s behavior becomes a reflection of you. You are now at your child’s mercy as you trying to get him to do what you want him to do so you can feel validated as a good parent. Your child does not want to be taking care of your emotional well-being, so he will naturally resist.

When kids are not following through on their responsibilities, it can easily trigger a number of feelings in parents. Note that your child did not cause these feelings, but rather triggered feelings that already belong to you. You might be triggered by a feeling of anger because you feel ineffective or fear that your child will never amount to anything. Or you might feel guilt about not doing a good enough job as a parent. Here’s the truth:  You have to be careful not to let these triggered feelings cause you to push your kids harder so that you can feel better. One of the toughest things parents have to do is learn how to soothe their own difficult feelings rather than ask their children to do that for them. This is the first step in avoiding power struggles.

Why are power struggles important to avoid? They inadvertently create just what you’ve feared. Your child is living his life in reaction to you rather than making his own independent choices. Learning how to make those choices is a necessary skill that develops self-motivation.  How can you avoid ending up in these battles? Here are 7 tips that can really help.

1. You are not responsible for your child’s choices

Understand that you are not responsible for the choices your child makes in his life. It’s impossible to take on that burden without a battle for control over another human being. Measure your success as a parent by how you behave — not by what your child chooses to do or not do. Doing a good job as a parent means that you have done all that you can do as a responsible person. It does not mean that you have raised a perfect person who has made all the right choices. Once you really get this, you won’t be so anxious about your child’s behaviors, actions, and decisions. You will be able to see your child from objective, not subjective, lenses and therefore be able to guide their behavior, because you’ll have seen what he actually needs.

2. You cannot make someone care—but you can influence them

You cannot get a person to do or care about what they don’t want to do or care about. Our kids have their own genetics, roles, and ultimately their own free will. So focusing on getting your child to change or getting something from her will not work long-term and will most often turn into a power struggle. What you can do is try to influence your child using only what is in your own hands. For example, when it comes to homework, you can structure the environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done.

3. Think about the “fences” you’d like to create for your child

Take charge of your own best thinking and decisions rather than trying to control your child’s. Pause, think and decide what fences you want to create for your child. What are your bottom lines? Know what you can and can’t do as a parent. Recognize that what will make the biggest difference to your child (and helping him become a responsible kid who makes good choices) will be learning how to inspire him, not control him. Building a positive relationship with your kids is your best parenting strategy. Children want to please the people in their lives that they have loving feelings toward. You cannot ultimately make them accept your values, but you can inspire them to do so. Getting a child to listen to you is primarily about setting up the conditions under which they choose to do so. In order to do this, make a conscious effort to sprinkle your relationship with more positive interactions than negative ones. Hug, show affection, laugh together, and spend time with one another. Point out your appreciations most instead of constantly correcting, instructing, teaching, yelling, complaining, or reprimanding.  Don’t get me wrong, you need to correct and reprimand as a parent. But make a conscious effort so that every time you do this, you will follow it with many positive interactions. The human brain remembers the negatives much more than the positives. Most kids will be happy to listen and be guided by the people in their lives who they like and respect.

4. Should you give consequences when kids don’t do homework?

Parents always ask whether or not they should give consequences to kids if they don’t do their homework—or instead just let the chips fall where they may.  I think you can give consequences, and that might work temporarily—maybe even for a while. Perhaps your child will learn to be more responsible or to use anxiety about the consequences to motivate themselves. You can’t change someone else, but consequences might help them get some homework done. You can’t “program” your child to care about their work, but you can create a work environment that promotes a good work ethic. Kids who regularly get their homework done and study do better throughout school and overall in life.

5. How structuring the environment can encourage studying

Again, you can’t make a child do anything that he doesn’t feel like doing, but you can structure his environment to create the greatest probability that the work will get done. When your child’s grades slip, or you find that he’s not getting his work in on time, you are automatically “invited in” to supervise and help him get on track. You can make sure that for certain periods of time, he will not be able to do anything other than schoolwork. The rule is during that time, no electronics are allowed—just homework and studying. By doing this, you are providing a structure to do what your child probably can’t do yet for himself. The hour and a half that you set aside should be a time when you will be around to enforce the rules that you have set. Give a fixed amount of time and once that time is up, your child is free to go elsewhere, homework done or not. Stay consistent with this plan, even if he fights you on it. This plan will accomplish the possibility that your child will get some homework done and maybe over time, create some better work habits. That’s all. This plan should be in place, whether or not he has homework. He can read, review or study if he doesn’t have any during that time. Let him know that these rules will change when his grades begin to reflect his potential and when you are not getting negative reports from teachers about missing homework. When he accomplishes this, tell him you will be happy to have him be fully in charge of his own homework.

6. Parents of Defiant kids

 Extremely defiant kids who don’t seem to care about consequences really try their parents. Some of these kids suffer from ADHD, ODD, learning disabilities, emotional issues and many other issues. Defiance has become a way for them to try and solve their problems. With defiant kids, parents need to be very cognizant of working to develop positive relationships, no matter how difficult. Above all, work to avoid getting pulled into a power struggle. Your child will need many more learning opportunities and more rewards and negative consequences—and more time to learn these lessons than less defiant child. And if nothing changes, and your child continues to be defiant, you must continue to work on your own patience and be thoughtful about your own bottom line. Most important, continue to love your child and keep showing up.

7. Your simple message to your child

Be clear, concise and direct. Your simple message to your kids, which does not require lectures or big sit down conversations is, “Your job is to take care of your responsibilities, which includes getting your homework done and helping out in the house. That’s my expectation for you. Once you’ve done that each day, you are welcome to do what you’d like.” Remember, as a parent your job is to essentially help your child do her job.

Related content: What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled from School “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over School Work

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frustrated mom This is by far the very worst parenting advice I have ever heard. Can it be anymore vague and general? There’s literally nothing in this article that deals with actually doing homework! In fact it is more so a guide on things that most parents already know and should More be doing! The other part of this article is basically saying that you should allow your child to be their own authority. Do kids not need to learn to obey rules in today’s world? A lesson in life is that your children aren’t always going to be given a choice and when they are given a choice, it doesn’t mean they’re going to like any of the possible outcomes. Allowing them to think they have a choice in order to circumvent basic responsibilities is completely and utterly counter productive! I had to do homework when I was a kid whether I liked it or not! I knew this even as a small child. Children historically do not make the best decisions on their own. There’s a reason we have an age where it’s considered by society that you’re officially an adult. Until children reach that age, they don’t have a choice!

I am a special education preschool educator. Yes, I do send homework home for the following reasons:1. It starts good habits relating to reinforcing skills taught at school.

2. It allows me to educate and inform parents on what skills children need to be learning.

3. Some skills need more effort to be learned- such as name writing.

4. I want my kiddos to have a headstart and school is important! Homework is a way of getting kids ahead.

Hands down- my kiddos who learn skills at home- for example "economics homework" are more likely to master this skill when taught at school AND at home! It helps! Trust me! and all kiddos undergo assessments when entering kindergarten and often it is considered a predictor in success for the year!

georgeesmith Very methodical, can give a try to make it possible :)

lisakelper9 Sounds good but very hard to implement in reality. But still its a good attempt.

JackRusso1 I disagree with this as a whole. This person has no idea what children are really like. Children are stressed a lot, nagging them won't help. They don't want to talk about homework at home because then the parent asks irritating questions. It's not that they don't care, it's that More they need to do things on their own. When a parent is constantly on their backs the child gets stressed out. In my eyes, few parents understand this. Believe it or not...I'm 13 and I can do better then you. This isn't a helpful list of tips, it's a list of how to make the situation worse!

Oh my goodness!   This all sounds very charming but has no real application!  

Let me give you my scenario of raising a "Defiant" child:

Our homework structure is that she work at her well organized desk...quite charming in fact.  

She is expected to work 15 minutes per subject which is a grand total of an hour and 30 min.

No tech unless all work is complete and no matter what, no tech before 6:30 pm.

Down time for reading (which she loves) is after homework and her home chore is done.

we have a rewards currency.  We have a consequence system.  

Guess what?  It is not that simple.  She will waste her time "studying" so we require her to log notes on what she is reading so does not just sit and stare at her books for an hour and a half (which she will do).  We periodically check her log as she is working and help review info.  Again...quite charming.

She is failing most of her subjects because she does not bring ANY assigned work home.  None.  And then she lies about the work that we track down.  

She is not internally nor externally motivated. 

Sometimes a child is not emotionally mature enough to handle things like this and their brains are unable to really connect action and consequence.  Sometimes you need to let your child fail.  I hear from her teachers "I have no idea what to do with _________"  My response is....there is nothing YOU can do.  Only what ______ can do and she chooses not to.

A child who is unable to focus on learning is focusing on something else instead.  For my daughter it is the undying need for acceptance....peer acceptance.  So how to retrain the brain is tough.  Wish me luck because THERE IS NO ANSWER!  THERE IS NO FIX!

I often wonder about the value of homework. While I appreciate the article and noted some key takeaways here that will be very helpful to me, such as "Learn how to inspire, not control" and "Measure your success as a parent by how you behave"...I often find myself yelling at my seven year old angel because she just doesn't have an interest in learning..and then I spend the rest of the night disgusted with myself for being angry with her. She is the sweetest, most lovable little girl filled with street smarts. But she's behind in school, slow with reading, and fights me constantly with her homework.

I stepped up over the summer and had assignments all summer long so she could hopefully catch up. But little has changed. She continues to have no interest, which I interpret as lazy. She would much rather watch Netflix or play; something I try to balance. I wasn't a great student in school but I did love homework. I hated the "institution" and rebelled against control. But I've managed to make a good life for myself because I've been highly motivated, driven and disciplined. My concern is she doesn't seem to have those traits...yet. It might still be too soon. However, I struggle to push too hard (contrary to how it sounds) because I'm a big advocate of work-life balance.

She is busy all day with school and activities and the idea of having her do more when she gets home before she rests, plays or unwinds, seems like corporal punishment. Yes. And I'm not dramatic. But really? I get the importance of establishing a good work ethic. However,  I work all day. When I get home, I'm tired. I take a break before I tend to house chores. Nothing gets neglected but I pace myself. I also take home work but that's done later in the evening, after I've tended to my family AND had some down time. Don't kids deserve down time too?

I hate putting this pressure on my child, yet I know the pressure she feels being a slower reader, struggling with phonetics, etc. is as great if not worse. I can see her as a very successful person later on because she has very strong social skills and a kindness that far surpasses most of the other kids I've seen. But I struggle with finding that balance between pushing academics and just letting time prove itself. I am a big advocate of moderation and balance, yet I really struggle with applying that value in today's academic world which starts as young as kindergarten!

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• 1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
• 2. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
• 3. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
• 4. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
• 5. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
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I Thought I Knew My Mom. Then I Found A Grainy Polaroid That Forced Me To Reconsider.

Guest Writer

A few weeks before moving out of my parents’ house for college, I stumbled upon a grainy Polaroid of my mom in her 20s. I stared, dumbfounded, as two questions formed in my mind. First, who was this person? And second ― why didn’t I know her?

The mom I knew threatened to divorce my dad frequently and required me to wear camisoles under shirts to cover my stomach. We fought often about when I could hang out with friends, and where, and for how long. She also stayed meticulously up to date on my life by insisting I catalog every minute of it in a ritual I called Tell Me About Your Day. It went like this:

“So, tell me about your day. What happened in first period? Did you talk to Mr. Gallaher like I asked you to? What about the book report, did you turn it in? OK. What did you do in second period? Nothing? Come on, what topic are you learning? Did they assign homework? OK, I want to print the assignment description.”

As I grew older, this questioning felt like endless nagging at the end of a long day. I began approaching the conversations like interrogations to be endured. I didn’t appreciate that my mom wanted to be involved in my life. Instead, I saw Tell Me About Your Day as part of a wider pattern in which she tried to control me.

For instance, in middle school, when my mom overheard my friends’ parents using my chosen nickname, Jackie, she yelled, “Don’t call her that!” and lectured them on why the name was “trashy.” Similarly, she disapproved when I wore makeup or anything form-fitting. Being told to cover up made me feel uncomfortable in my body and ostracized from peers who wore what they wanted. I began to rebel by changing into prohibited outfits at school.

As an adult, I recognize how my mom’s role as the primary authority in our home made it easier to reduce her to a rigid micromanager. While my dad traveled for work, my mom was constantly around. The sheer amount of time she spent with me made her the parent who enforced rules and also the parent most likely to annoy me.

But this awareness did not come until later. Back then, I simply complained, until one day, when I was 16, I decided that I wouldn’t do Tell Me About Your Day anymore. No. The first time I refused to describe my day, the word thudded like a heavy book on a table. My mom protested for a while before she lost track of how many summaries I owed her and focused on my siblings.

From then on, I wielded the power of a no . When my mom tried to convince my teenage siblings and me to read children’s books with her — no . When she begged us to create Pinterest crafts for holidays and birthdays well into adulthood — no . The knowledge that she couldn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to do was freeing.

However, exercising this right came at a price: I was now an outsider in my own family. Passing through our kitchen, I’d catch glimpses of my brother, sister, and mom cuddled together on our couch watching a travel documentary. I’d feel a dull longing for intimacy, but after a series of my no s, Mom had stopped asking me to join them.

“Ironically, although she noted every minute detail of my life, my mom rarely shared stories about her own childhood or young adulthood.”

I felt as if I were peering at a misty landscape from a distance, wishing to cross a lake to reach the shore yet knowing I had no oars to paddle. I missed being involved in my family landscape, but by that point, I had been moored for so long that I was afraid to disturb the water.

This distancing didn’t help me add to my meager knowledge of my mom’s pre-kids life. Ironically, although she noted every minute detail of my life, my mom rarely shared stories about her own childhood or young adulthood. Her reticence was overcome only by her annual remarks about the anniversaries of her parents’ deaths, and she never mentioned her sister, whom I haven’t seen in over a decade, or her brother, whom I’ve never met. And every time I commented on what seemed like a less-than-perfect marriage to my dad, she changed the subject. My mom protected these topics with her own implicit no s ― shrugging, evasive language, silence.

So, when I found the photo of her at my age, looking carefree and lovestruck, it felt like seeing a flash of light rebound off a mirror. In the image, my dad grins at my mom through round glasses, and she reclines in a large leather chair, her shoulders scrunched up in laughter as if she and my dad are sharing a hilarious inside joke. She’s even wearing a crop top!

I had to know more to make sense of it. I wanted to show the photo to everyone and beg for more information, but I knew my dad, a private person, would be upset if the picture were shared. Instead, I asked him questions under the guise of a college assignment, and his answers shocked me. I learned that my mom worked in Finland, frequented Chicago’s jazz clubs with my dad, and loved living in Colorado. Listening to my dad talk, I imagined my mom as an easygoing voyager, exploring the world and carving out her place in it.

After months of building the courage to talk to my mom directly, I discovered the details of how she had watched both her parents die, on her own. She called 911 when her dad collapsed from a heart attack, but the ambulance arrived too late. She was 17. Years later, one August, she took a semester off grad school to care for her ailing mother. By Christmas, cancer had taken my mom’s only remaining parent.

With these revelations, suddenly I saw my mom as a complex woman who had survived unthinkable trauma, and I better understood her desire to learn everything about my life. When both of your parents are stripped away with little warning, of course you cling to the people you have left. I thought about all the ways my mom expressed love that I had disregarded, blinded by teenage frustration.

At 23, I feel guilty about distancing myself from her. With her parents dead, she stands on a shore of her own with no way to paddle closer to them except by imperfect remembrance. I don’t want to stand on that untraversable shore any earlier than necessary. And when the time does come, I want to remember more than just my mom’s rules. I want to know real stuff ― her dreams, the places she’s lived, the people she’s loved, and the sacrifices she made.

The first step required closing the distance between me and my mom. Now that I’ve grown up and can dress however I want and go by any nickname I like, I find myself reaching for my phone to call her more. I followed my sister’s lead and started intentionally scheduling one-on-one time with my mom to go on bike rides or explore my Pittsburgh hometown.

Last April, my mom visited me in New York. At a fancy restaurant, I said, “So many weddings must happen here.”

My mom’s face wrinkled as she shared that her mother used to work as a bridal consultant helping women find wedding dresses. It was another flash of unexpected learning, and I listened raptly, feeling like I was with the woman in the photograph. Maybe that woman was always there; I just hadn’t noticed.

I wonder now how much of my limited knowledge of my mom’s past results from my lack of asking. Who was she? Who might she still become? How has saying no precluded the chance of knowing her more deeply?

These are much more difficult questions than my mom’s queries about homework. These questions require an openness between us that may be painful. They emerge from the fundamentally unequal relationship between parents and children: While parents witness every stage of their children’s lives from prenatal growth to adulthood, children know their parents only as caregivers. For many of us, this means we wake up one day and realize that we don’t know the people they are outside of parenthood. But there’s so much to discover.

I’ve apologized to my mom for some things in the past; she’s done the same, and now our relationship is stronger than ever. (The main thing we fight over is when I write about her – sorry, Mom).

Mostly, I’m thankful I’m no longer standing on that impassable shore, peering at my mom through the mist. I haven’t asked all the hard questions yet, but I’m proud that I’ve grabbed an oar and rowed closer to her.

Jacqueline LeKachman is a New York-based freelance writer and English teacher who has contributed to The Washington Post, WIRED, Business Insider, and Shondaland. She is writing a book about complex family dynamics and can be found on Twitter @JacquelineLeKa .

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How parents can juggle work and support their child’s education.

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When students start the year eager and prepared, they not only set a positive tone for their studies ... [+] but also make it easier for teachers to identify any changes in their performance.

In the U.S., school start dates vary significantly by region, with some states like Georgia beginning the academic year as early as July. No matter the age, starting the school year on the right foot and establishing good work habits are crucial for academic success. When students start the year eager and prepared, they not only set a positive tone for their studies but also make it easier for teachers to identify any changes in their performance.

Parents can provide practical support in a myriad of ways. Remote working parents even have an advantage- it’s never too early to teach the importance of a dedicated workspace. Establishing a consistent routine for homework and study time helps children develop good habits and reduces last-minute stress. Creating a designated, distraction-free space for homework can help children focus and work more efficiently.

Staying Informed and Involved

Leverage lunch hours during work to maintain regular contact with teachers through emails, parent-teacher conferences, and school apps. Staying informed about their progress and areas needing attention is crucial. Put some of the onus on children as well; encourage children to ask questions and engage actively in their classes, fostering a love for learning by showing interest in their studies. At home, have children use school-specific portals and educational resources for extra practice.

Building Independence and Resilience

While it may feel awkward at first, try adopting a manager/employee dynamic with children during homework and study time:

• Encourage children to tackle challenges independently before seeking help, building resilience and critical thinking.
• Students should maintain open communication about their school experiences and any difficulties they face to alleviate anxiety and create a supportive environment.
• Establish structured rules and expectations for recreational screen time thereafter.

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Best 5% interest savings accounts of 2024, enhancing learning and development.

Foster a love for personal development by reading together. Engaging in mutual book discussions can enhance comprehension and critical thinking skills. (A child’s teacher will have recommendations for them, but here are a few to add to your list .) If budget allows, consider online tutoring services for personalized academic support.

Providing support as a working parent involves helping children find a balance, similar to how demonstrating effective work-life balance in a professional setting can garner employer support and potentially benefit career growth.

Help children balance schoolwork and extracurricular activities, which are crucial for social and emotional development. Support their sports, arts, music, or coding interests through after-school programs, community centers, or online classes. Teach children to organize their work, manage their time, and set achievable goals. Most importantly, teach kids techniques for managing stress and balancing school responsibilities with relaxation and leisure activities.

Preparing for College Success

Excelling in advanced courses is crucial for college applications for high school students. Addressing skill gaps and familiarizing themselves with upcoming courses can ensure a strong semester start. Encourage virtual study groups for collaborative learning and peer support. Alicia Carpenter, president of New York tutoring and test prep network Forum Education , notes that grades are irreplaceable in college admissions, and early low grades are hard to recover from.

“These days, top applicants looking for an edge are almost universally taking time at the end of the summer to preview new content and — just as crucially — build study skills relevant to new frameworks. As a result, these students enter the school year with the confidence and tools to succeed from day one, securing top grades and freeing up mental and emotional bandwidth to manage a rigorous course load and extracurriculars.”

Employer Support for Working Parents

Arranging childcare during the school year can significantly impact productivity. The nonprofit organization Afterschool Alliance reports that lapses in after-school care can result in parents losing up to eight days of work annually, costing businesses upwards of $300 billion annually.

“The schedule misalignment of traditional school hours and the traditional workday is a silent killer of workplace productivity that employers cannot afford to ignore. Once that last school bell rings, working parents are suddenly distracted and sometimes absent from work as they are forced to quickly shift from work mode to parent mode,” explains Wes Burke, CHRO of Care.com.

Addressing these challenges with effective strategies is essential for both parents and employers. Employers can help by supporting their working parents in various ways:

• Offering flexible work schedules allows parents to align their hours with their child’s school schedule, making them available for homework help.
• Subsidizing after-school programs and childcare service s ensures children have a safe, structured environment with academic support.
• Creating a family-friendly workplace and encouraging parent support groups provide parents with a network for sharing homework tips and resources.
• Resources like employee assistance programs (EAPs) helps parents manage stress, allowing them to be more supportive during homework time.

In their 2024 Future of Benefits Report , Care.com found that 80% of employers report child benefits positively impacting productivity. As a result, Burke believes a child’s education is not a personal issue that working parents have to navigate alone. “Employers have a role to play here, too. It’s simple: the businesses who foster family-friendly workplaces are the ones that thrive, witnessing increased productivity, retention, and recruitment across the board by supporting the needs of their working parents.”

Supporting a child's education as a working parent means planning ahead and using all available resources. It might feel strange at first, but treating homework time like a manager guiding an employee can help. Creating structure, even for young kids, builds a supportive learning environment.

This setup reduces stress by establishing a predictable routine, making juggling work and home responsibilities easier. It also improves work-life balance by helping everyone use their time better. Parents have more free time as kids become more independent with their studies. Getting involved in your child’s education strengthens family bonds and communication, leading to a happier and more productive home life, which benefits both work and personal time.

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